Just want to drop a super short post for now to say "hi" to everyone! I've been in back-to-back retreats these past two weekends-- they've been such incredible experiences that my gratitude to the Lord and to all of you is beyond words. God bless each and every one of you!

For those of you who have not gone to a TEC retreat, I can't recommend it enough. It was an astonishing experience!

I've been writing a lot of correspondence this morning, and am going to spend the rest of the day playing Forza Horizon 6 on PC, Grandia on Saturn, and Metroid Prime 4 for Switch 2, which I ordered at a huge discount during Amazon's recent sales.

One thing I've increasingly noticed is that God wants unity, while the Evil One wants division. Love is both a reciprocal act-- meaning, it requires at least two persons to exist-- and a unifying act, in that it draws and ties the persons involved into communion with one another.

God models both of these things for us.

The reciprocation part is easier to explain, so let's start there. He is three persons so that love could exist even "before time began", so-to-speak. He also created us so that He would not only have this additional way of expressing His love, but so that His creation-- us!-- can love Him back.

How does He model unity then?

While God is three discrete persons, the three persons of God share the same nature, or essence. All three persons are perfectly omniscient and whole: none of the three has something the others don't have, because that would imply that something is lacking in the others.

In other words, God models perfect communion-- a communion born via the exchange of love.

Being imperfect, we can't model God exactly in this regard. It is impossible for us, due to our fallen natures, to share natures: as humans, each of our essences has a one-to-one relationship with our person.

But God doesn't expect of us perfection! That's why He's infinitely merciful and just. He loved us so much that He sent his Son not just to die for our sins, but also to model for us, in the flesh, how to think, act, and behave.

So the three persons of God set for us a mode we should emulate, a way of being we should emulate to the maximum extent to which it is possible given our humanity.


Communion in Society

God gave us a most incredible gift in Free Will. Love, and the communion which is a manifestation and consequence of that love, is a voluntary act.

Purely voluntary political ideologies and economic systems which tend towards common purpose and shared sacrifice are the ones which will enable us to most closely emulate God. Conversely, those realities which lean into atomization will take us and our society further from God.

The very operating principle of Karl Marx was class conflict: dividing everyone into two competing camps. "Woke intersectionality" takes Marx's model and pumps it up with steroids, formulating dozens of groups, and pitting them all against each other in a perpetual power struggle.

These models have nothing to offer us, other than hatred, intolerance, and never-ending infighting, in a Godless culture.

It must also be said that voluntary societies, such as those based on free market principles, can run aground if not rooted in the humility and sacrifice Jesus exemplified for us in the Paschal Mystery.

While the Lord sanctifies our labor and wants us to put our best selves forward to glorify Him, "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" can and often does tempt people to ego and lack of humility: to put everything on their shoulders-- rejecting communion with both others, and most of all with God.


Communion as Church

"Catholic" is derived from the Greek word "katholikos", which means "universal". It is not a coincidence that Duncan and I chose that very term as the first word for the name of this blog.

God created His church on Earth so that we may all be members of the Body of Christ, each performing distinct and equally important functions based on the charisms He has bestowed on every one one of us.

God also created family, right from the beginning: from Adam God created Eve; God bestowed on His creation the ability to pro-create; and from this ability-- an act of communion in and of itself-- Adam and Eve brought Abel, Cain, and Seth into the world.

Father, mother, and children.

Like our own families, Adam and Eve's had brokenness and sin: the side effect of their decision to go against the will of the Father. But God made good from it: through the genealogy came descendants leading all the way to Noah. Ultimately, through God's continued acts of providence came our entire story of salvation through Jesus.

It's no coincidence that the same forces promoting "intersectionality" very often encourage us to disassociate from our families, and to practice a disposition of zero-tolerance for those who disagree-- as opposed to dispositions of understanding and reconciliation. It's also no coincidence that Satan's favorite tools of depression and rumination serve to turn us inward and so to atomize ourselves.

God wants His church to be the organizing principle of love and communion on Earth. And He wants husbands and wives to be fruitful and multiply. God gave us a small slice of His power: the ability to create new life. We should treat this special, most sacred gift with great respect.


Communion and Joy

Communion brings with it great joy. We have all felt this with our brothers and sisters at our churches, or when spending time together with much-loved family and friends.

The opposite is true when we feel isolated, or that this communion has somehow eluded us. We feel despair, despondency, even depression, or worse. In those moments it is helpful to reflect on core truths:

• God quite literally never leaves us: even in the most dire of circumstances imaginable-- people conscripted into hard camp labor, for example-- He and His light are always there, beside us and within is.


• Things of this world are axiomatically ephemeral: only God is eternal. So as people come and go in our lives here on Earth, take solace in the fact that the creator of the universe is within you, and always-- always, unceasingly even!-- wants you to talk to Him; to share all of your troubles, your joys with Him.


• If we are acting in accordance with the Lord's will, then He will take care of us and our needs! You must truly believe that, and never forget it! Repeat it like a mantra in your head. Pray: "God, please provide for me." Then when He does, give him praise: "God, thank you for having provided for me." Use this virtuous cycle to increase even further your own obedience to His will.


• When feeling isolated, not only cling to God for that much-needed hug, but recognize and praise God that He has granted the isolating party Free Will. Although they are causing you distress now, pray for them to feel that unity with God which you feel. We can get "out of our heads" by focusing on the needs of others, even-- or especially-- those who have caused us discomfort.


• Hold up your loneliness as an offering to God. This can and should be done in private prayer, naturally! But it especially can be done during the summit which is the Holy Mass, during the Collect-- early in the Mass, when the priest says "Let us pray", we are invited to offer up our intentions. Not only that, but during the Eucharistic Prayer we are called to put on the altar our joys, sorrows, and whatever else is in our hearts, as a sacrifice.


• Enumerate those with whom you do feel communion, starting with our Lord and Savior. Perhaps in writing them down, you will realize just how large that list is! Work to make those bonds even stronger; offer prayers together with them, on behalf of those who are causing you and others to feel estranged.


• Estrangement is like a bastard sword; dual-edged: it harms the other party as much as it does you. Or perhaps it harms them even more, since by engaging in estrangement, there is a likely possibility that they have interior "blocks" preventing them from fully receiving God's grace. This is a sad state, for which we should offer our prayers and support.


• Continually remind yourself that God works for good in all things. We can't fathom God's providence since we are not God. But if we set ourselves in a disposition of gratitude, we will see the Holy Spirit moving in everyone around us, at all times. God grants all prayers offered with intentions aligned to His will. As we know He wants communion, our prayers can efficaciously invite and lead the estanging parties back into the fold, in whatever mysterious ways or timelines the Lord knows will be best for them, and for us.

May the peace of Christ be with you always!

The diaconate retreat this past weekend was incredible! It took place at an abbey built by Benedictine monks back in the 1950's. You can see a full video tour here so I didn't bother taking pictures of things they do much better on their website.

But nonetheless, here was my room! Click on any of the pictures in this post for full-sized originals:



The whole place still had a lot of original, or very old, fixtures and things which I loved. Even the little fan in my room was clearly from the 1970s based on its style. The showers were communal, and had this very old looking pale green floor tile. Each stall had two shower curtains, so you could get undressed without anyone seeing you.

The first morning, I struggled to get warm water out of the shower head. I looked at the brand, and it was literally the original fixture from the 1950s. It said: Hydapipe "64". And yes, the "64" was in quotes, haha, boy did I get a good laugh out of that. Was it an N64 game, or a Phantasy Star reference, or both? And why was it "hyding" the warm water from me?

Lining the hallway were some amazing paintings. The first one below is, subjectively, probably the coolest painting I've ever seen-- but the others are neat as well:







A video game like Streets of Rage 2 transcends the medium, because while it has amazing art, music, and gameplay, put together it's also making an expression which is even greater than the sum of its parts. That's what I think about those paintings above. They aren't just well done, like "Gee that's a really nice mountain you've got there"; while that's undoubtedly true, the works as wholes go way beyond that.

The third and final shot below shows outdoor Stations of the Cross via these trails they cut through a nearby copse of trees. One of a million significant moments of this retreat for me came from the deacon who led us through this path: he put so much emotion into the prayers that at the thirteenth station, when Mary holds Jesus's body in her arms, he was completely moved to tears and had to frequently pause to collect himself.







Liturgy of the Hours provides such a nice cadence to communal life, now I understand why monastic communities use it: off on our own, waking up, but then gathering together as what felt like a brotherhood for morning prayer; then off on our own, but coming together again to pray and eat breakfast, or lunch; then off on our own, but all together again for evening prayer; and so forth.

From the minute we new guys walked in the door until the minute we left, all the other men had taken us under our wings. I had so many special interactions, so many beautiful conversations, I was telling Ellyn last night that I didn't even know where to start in explaining all of it.

But one I do want to mention here specifically for the people at my church who read this blog: I've received such an unbelievable amount of support, joy, and affirmation from all of you; God bless you all for that! Part of the reason for the excitement is because we are all one big family, and as family we celebrate each other's blessings.

An equally if not even larger aspect of the excitement though has nothing to do with me specifically: rather, it has to do with the legacy of who I suppose one could call my predecessor!

Our church hasn't had a "regular", "here every single weekend" permanent deacon in many years-- so people are hoping and praying that I can help bring that aspect back! We have had my wonderful deacon mentor, Tony, there to help bridge that gap which is a real blessing-- but like many deacons, he is very much divided between our multiple churchs. Mathematically, we simply need more deacons to go around.

But back to the story: there was a deacon at this retreat who looked so familiar-- I kept looking at him, and I felt like I'd seen him a hundred times before; I was right on the cusp, but couldn't quite grasp how I knew him. Finally, on the second day of the retreat, it dawned on me. In excitement, I sent an SMS message to my good friend Dennis, who knows just about everything about the history of our church:

"Dennis, what was the name of the last permanent deacon we had?" Within minutes Dennis replied, with pictures. And then I remembered: "the picture of Fr. Mark's first Mass, in the basement." The deacon was in that photograph.

This particular man had to partially retire early due to the onset of a significant health disability, so I wasn't sure when I would see him next at the retreat. I prayed to the Lord: "Please let me come into contact with him, I want to talk to him." I left my room, went down the stairs-- and within seconds there he was, right on cue; Deacon Stan.

I immediately followed him into the church for morning prayer, sat down next to him, and had a wonderful conversation with him. He affirmed to me how beautiful his time was there, how wonderful you all are, and that he misses you!

The 86 and I are leaving on a big road trip to South Dakota tomorrow for the annual, all-weekend diaconate retreat for my diocese! I've heard the place we're going is absolutely beautiful, and very relaxing. Great for prayer and reflection.

We're having Mass all three days, and people weren't really signing up for the ministries. So it looks like I'm lectoring both Saturday and Sunday. If that holds, Sunday will be the first time I will be a minister in a Mass presided by a bishop, which is kind of cool.

I also had a few video game screenshots sitting around just waiting to be shared. The first one is an astonishing example of what hardware ray-traced global illumination and reflections can get you: Forza Horizon 6 with everything maxed out on PC. The other two screenshots are from the Switch 2, in docked mode. Click on them for full versions.







I'll probably be staying away from technology during the weekend, but if I get a chance I'll take some pictures and share them when I get back. Otherwise, God bless!

So proud of Henrietta-- she is starting PSEO soon at the college here in town this Fall, with the intention of going into graphics design. For practice, I asked her if she could try to come up with a simple business card for Universal Zeal. With no formal training and no direction from me, she intuitively gathered the necessary requirements from me, went off, and came back with this:



I asked her how she even came up with this, and she said "Well, your logo is kind of futuristic looking, and I know that futuristic designs often incorporate sharp edges and angles." Wow!

Now, it took us a few iterations to tweak some of the details, but that's also part of what impressed me so much: she naturally, with no instruction, worked in an Agile sort of fashion-- "What do you think of this? Let me tweak it, ok, how about now?"

I steered her towards Figma as a next tool she should learn-- then I can ask her for, "Try to design a mobile-first website." If she can tackle that, and I have zero doubt she can, she could hop right in as part of working with clients right here at Universal Zeal!


Grief Support

I had the great privilege of meeting and having the opportunity to pray alongside some amazing people on Sunday evening, from whom I learned a lot. One of them was Deb Hadley. For those who don't know her, she is a national speaker who runs a foundation called KT Humble Hearts. They specialize in providing hope and healing to people experiencing even-- or perhaps especially-- the most profound grief. So if you are experiencing grief, now you know where to go!

Deb is one of those perfect examples of the principle I often articulate on this blog: God does not want us to suffer, and does not want tragedy-- but as those things are side effects of the pure gift of love He gave us in Free Will combined with the fallen nature of our world due to Original Sin (and so suffering and tragedy do exist), He at least always makes good from tragedies and suffering when they do occur.

Sometimes the effects are outside of our purview. Other times they are very visibly manifest. Deb's public speaking is an example of the latter. You can read all about her story on the website, or of course go listen to her talks!

Incidentally, Deb, along with the Father Dan you all read me writing about so often, is one of the instrumental components in setting up the new healing prayer ministry in my neck of the woods, and to which I feel so drawn. It will bear much fruit in our community!


God's Grace

While I try to always give praise to God, on some days I'm simply bowled over by the blessings-- there are so many I can't even enumerate them all! But here are just a few:

• Ellyn's growth; from so shy even 1-1 conversations were difficult, to exhibiting astonishing leadership and communication skills growth on a pretty much daily basis. How? By doing the will of the Father. And I'm watching Him bestow His grace on her pretty much in real-time.


• The incredible growth of my children, strong in Faith, their charisms really starting to shine.


• My new business partners, who are incredible. And all of the ways going on where the work is starting to take form; so many threads all coming together, to the point where even my dad seems to fit in this puzzle on the IT side, which is a real blessing.


• Speaking of my dad, I'm thankful for my parents' health, and the bond I have with both of them.


• The connections I'm making all over the place, like one big web of people leading everyone else to love God.


• The diaconate formation. I can't wait to get started.


• The future of my Area Catholic Community, which looks so bright.


• I have learned the true nature of suffering, and how to turn it upside down, all thanks to dispensations of God's grace.

My whole life, the good the bad and the ugly, God formed for this moment in time.


Tabletop Mode

The best mode of both the original Switch and its successor is the tabletop mode. It's the mode I've leveraged the least in terms of playtime, but it's the most useful when it's relevant since it can't be reproduced by any other platform. Click on the image for a full-sized version.



Now that I'm working at home again, it's so useful to have this little "TV" just sitting there-- when I need a ten minute break, I can very quickly just grab the joy-cons, play for a few minutes without even leaving my chair, then turn it off again.

Just wanted to point out that I have a couple of new Commodore 64 reviews up on the 'Wharf:

• Bomberland
• Jumpman

I also very hastily renamed my Google account's YouTube channel and uploaded a few things, just because I needed a place to host them:

• PSVR2 Fun
• Switch 2 Montage
• Forza Horizon 6 Goofiness

Leaving to serve at Mass in about twenty minutes. Then it will be some work-related things, followed by healing prayer ministry in town. Incidentally, if any of you wants to be prayed over for healing, or wants to pray over someone else, just go to chapel at "the big church in town" at 4:00pm-- you know the one!

A couple of days ago I thought of this passage from scripture, and decided to really sit down with it:



Many years ago, as my inline skating skills were finally starting to accumulate, I would be merrily cruising along without overthinking things. But then I would have a dawning moment of self-realization: I was actually skating! And in every single one of those instances, one of my wheels would locate the nearest rock, and down I would go.

I'm going through the same thing right now, with several aspects of my life. For the first time, I'm starting my own business; I'm attempting to overcome my self-consciousness and ego by learning to say spontaneous prayer over people; I'm about to begin college for the diaconate formation.

In the morning, I'll write a well-crafted email message to a business client; I'll write some code, and see that it works; or I'll serve at the altar; or I'll run a meeting with large groups of attendees. Or, I'll be praying over someone, and feel the Holy Spirit working through us.

I'll be doing all of these things, effortlessly via the grace of God. But then, that foul heart lurch! That tightness in the chest! That difficulty breathing! I suddenly become self-aware, and I get sucked into every anxiety.

"I'm running a meeting with twenty five people, I'm too shy for this! How am I going to support my family on my own? I'm going to trip and fall in front of all of these people! I don't know what to say to this hurting individual!" And there I go, beneath the waves. I'm not possibly talented enough, or skilled enough, or smart enough, or holy enough, to do any of these things!

I was recently being goofy with Duncan. I said "I don't believe it's actually you, I think it's a hologram." What I meant to say next was "Say something only we know." But what came out was, "Say something only I know." Being the logical kid Duncan is, he just smiled and said, "I think that's going to be difficult."

But this is what Peter does with Jesus!

Peter sees Jesus approaching on the water, and he believes so strongly in Jesus that he gives Jesus that very test: "If it's you Jesus, make me walk over to you." Because Peter knows, and truly believes, that only Jesus could make such a thing possible. If Peter thought a demon could do it too, then why would he have bothered issuing the challenge as proof of Jesus's identity in the first place?

So Peter believes that Jesus can make him walk on water. That's a great testament to Peter's faith. But then the same thing which happens to us, happens to Peter: that moment of self-awareness. Where we no longer feel God's protection. Like Adam and Eve, realizing they are naked.

In that fallen state in which we exist, in our Original Sin, we fear and doubt: "This good and fruitful thing which is happening, and happening effortlessly by God's grace-- it can't possibly be happening to me."

But after that moment when Peter begins to sink, a few absolutely critical things occur.

First and to his great credit, Peter calls out to Jesus to save him: "Lord, save me!" That's the first critical thing: that in our distress, we turn to God. The second critical thing: Jesus reaches out and takes Peter's hand. We must know that God will save us, if we ask for it. And the third critical thing: the wind ceased. When we let go and put our full faith in God, those fears and anxieties will go away.

That's the formula then: have faith, ask for Jesus's help, and know that we will receive peace.

But there is another aspect of this passage which bears careful consideration. Jesus sent the disciples on the boat, and stayed back to pray by Himself. As every facet of Jesus's behavior models for us how we should act, so too should we engage in peaceful solitary prayer.

That was sometime in the morning though, or afternoon. Jesus didn't walk out to them on the lake until the next morning! Think what a long time that is! And that whole duration, poor Peter and the disciples, being battered about on the lake! How many times may they have invoked Jesus's name during that time period? We can't know, but they probably did more than once!

The takeaway is that Jesus came to them on His time, not their time! We can't know why Jesus waited so long, who can know the will of God but God Himself? What we can see is Jesus's love for them as He gently and perhaps even playfully admonishes them after the fact, "You of little faith!" And this is how Jesus feels for all of us: pure, gentle love.

So in those sinking moments, when you become self-aware and feel unworthy of God's grace, or simply can't believe that He's made you strong enough to do what you're doing, remember that the Lord wants us to walk on the water. And He loves us the same, even when we do start to sink!

In those difficult times, just close your eyes, and know that Jesus is literally standing right there, with his hand extended.

Business stuff is going great! Learning more and more about the whole grant sphere every day. My brain has always been good at making connections between seemingly-unrelated things, and I'm finding that skill is useful in this new field. I'm really enjoying it!

The biggest blessing is all of the amazing people I'm meeting in the local community-- one organization in particular so far, plus my two business partners who are the best.

I've also been drawing up a full enterprise Azure-based architecture for delivering web sites, mobile apps, and chat bots, complete with security, performance, and effort level to implement each piece. I have a few business contacts I plan to reach out to over the next week or so.

But the most important thing is to pump the brakes a little: every single person around me is telling me, "you need to take a little time for rest". Sure enough, my sleep is healing little-by-little, and my passion for video games has really come soaring back. I took some time this morning to, for the first time in eons, update my games list:



And by the way, the above list doesn't even include the Commodore 64, which is a whole separate set of titles I want to play!

Today I plan to update the OLED Steam Deck-- can't believe that thing is a $1000 device now, brand new-- plus my PSVR2 headset and controllers. Then I'm driving Henrietta to work, and stopping at the 4H brat stand where Ellyn and Duncan will be working.

Slowing down is the hardest thing for me: I'm kind of a workaholic, going one hundred miles per hour for like thirty years now.

I need to chill out a little, give myself a little more leeway, and gradually ease back into things, making sure to budget my time so things are not just sustainable for me, but so I can continue to let God form me. Indulging in my hobbies, in moderation and balance, like what I describe above will help bring me closer to God by relaxing me.


Twin Cities Trip

I went down to the Twin Cities to visit my parents, and went to some awesome places with my dad! I'll let the pictures speak for themselves, click on any for full-size versions.

After Mass we went down for refreshments on a whim, and my dad and I made new connections with a group of regulars there. One guy is going to wind up being my "book buddy" I'm sure, we'll be making lots of recommendations back and forth I'm sure. My dad explained to them that I was entering the diaconate formation as well, so now there is a group at the seat of the arch diocese who are familiar with my name and face as well.

At a museum we went to, I randomly got talking to a Catholic lady, and here my deacon mentor is one of her family's oldest and closest friends-- he literally married her daughter, what were the odds of bumping into this person? Holy Spirit at play.





























Major "Horizon Zero Dawn" vibes from the outdoor areas we were at.

Also, that tractor-looking thing is actually a mobile steam-powered generator from the 1880s; you put coal and water in it, calibrate all of the no-fewer-than-fourteen-valves, then literally fire it up. It only crawls in terms of movement speed, but once you get it sitting where you want it, you wrap a belt around the giant upper wheel and use it to power something else.

Apparently the one in the museum is miniscule (and it was huge!)-- there are giant versions of these, still functional today!

Ellyn and I went to our church to pray last night. My mind was feeling very "staticky." My prayer was not fruitful; I could "hear" God talking to me, but couldn't make out the words. Too much interior noise after a very busy day.

In this condition, I started to walk around the place-- dark, and empty, other then Ellyn off in one corner praying the rosary. I often think better when I'm pacing. Maybe movement would help me pray better too? While meandering, I asked the Lord, "What is the key to getting out of our own minds?"

Of course, I already know the answer to this: to put the concerns of others ahead of our own. To the extent we do this, is the extent to which we "bust out".

But when we're tired, it can be difficult to fully absorb or comprehend that notion. Instead of allowing God to fill us in our emptiness, it's oftentimes easier to simply wallow in it, and to ruminate. Unfortunately, I was falling into that old habit, as I'm particularly susceptible to it.

"Lord, how can I reinforce the solution within myself?"

Feeling somewhat despondent, I slowly lapped the church and wound up back at the sanctuary, I looked up at the statue of Peter on the high altar. I stood there for a minute, hands in my pockets-- just looking. In one hand, Peter is holding a scroll-- the Word? In his other hand, the keys to heaven. Interesting. I kept walking.

Click on any of the images for the full-size originals, by the by:



My gaze then shifted to the crucifix. At the bottom is Earth. At the top is heaven. The vertical component of the cross connects the two. Heaven and Earth. And in the middle of that connection hangs Jesus-- suffering. He not just suffered-- he died.

"Why did he die..." I continued to muse. Ah, to unlock the path to heaven, from Earth of course. I know that answer already too! He purchased for us the opportunity for salvation: eternal union with the Father. What do you normally unlock things with? Of course-- keys. I smiled, amused, and kept walking.

Then Jesus ascended into heaven. Then what? Oh right, the Holy Spirit descended on the Apostles, during Pentecost. So God went down the cross as the Word became incarnate; then up the cross as Jesus ascended into heaven; then down the cross again in the form of the Holy Spirit.

Love requires two parties because axiomatically it's a two-way deal. Fr. Dan's homily last Sunday. And Jesus is in the middle of that bi-directional vertical road: the key to the Father communicating to us (by sending his only son to us), and us communicating with the Father ("the only way to the Father is through me").

But how does this connect to Peter? Well right on cue, here he comes again during my next lap of the church-- this time in stained glass form:



The keys, again. And this time not a scroll, but a book. Definitely the Word.

Oh, the Word! Jesus is the Word! That's right! And Jesus is also the key to unlock the path to heaven! The Word is the key. That's why Peter has both in his hands! And Jesus gave the keys to Peter, making Peter the rock of the church.

I made another slow lap, thankful that my church has all of these devotional items and imagery to help us understand God better.

I wound up in the front corner again. "What is this yellow flag over here? I've been coming here for years, but have never unfurled it before." Ellyn had wrapped up her prayer, so I asked her to unfold it for me. As she did so and the image began to be revealed, I laughed out loud. More keys.



Yes, this is the Holy See's flag. The Church. Jesus's bride. Built on the rock of Peter. The keys came from Jesus, who is the Word incarnate. Apostolic succession. It is only through the Word that we can access the Father. The Word is the key which unlocks the path to heaven.

By now amazed at God having answered my prayer for "the key" by showing me literal keys everywhere, Ellyn and I walked into the sacristy to shut the lights off.

I put my elbows on the counter, and took a deep breath. I offered up a little prayer of gratitude to the Lord. There was this little metal holder which caught my eye, with a gazillion different pamphlets haphazardly placed in it, this way and that. On a whim, I casually plucked a brochure randomly right out of the middle of the mishmash, and opened it up:



Oh sure, because why not, haha. More keys.

And what is the brochure about? The very darned thing I had asked God to reveal to me: the key to getting out of my head: overcoming fear. Specifically? Healing prayer ministry. One of the very spiritual concerns I aluded to in my previous post, with which I was wrestling.

What is it they say about coincidences again?

I've been wrestling with a couple of spiritual matters over the past few days. I could hardly sleep last night, I was in such a combination of both happy spiritual excitement and uncertainty, simultaneously.

Still in the midst of this, I finally decided to crack open the PDF of Pope Leo's encyclical, and right there on page six he had the exact two pieces of scripture I needed!

I realized that I'd been trying to build a Tower of Babel, so-to-speak, when what I should be doing is rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem, with everyone. In light of this, I wrote up my concerns and sent them to my Spiritual Director for advice.

One of the things I am struggling with is how, in the presence of other people, to let my guard down so I can enter into deep communion with the Holy Spirit, and with them. The irony is that I was trying to "go it alone" in my discernment regarding this matter!

Letting my guard down... it may be the greatest struggle in my continued human formation that I will face over the coming months and years. I've healed a lot over the past couple of years, but there are still old wounds keeping me from fully connecting in social situations.

I hope everything is going wonderfully for all of you. Know that you are in my prayers!

Fr. Dan gave a wonderful homily today about the Trinity: one of the things he explained is, axiomatically-- since it is the act of giving-- there must be more than one participant for love to exist. The Trinity illustrated this even "before" time existed: three persons sharing that love.

Pope Leo said today during the Angelus that the Holy Spirit "unites the Father and the Son, and has been poured into our hearts. The Church becomes... where heaven and Earth already touch." So it is through prayer and participation in the sacraments that we enter into communion with the Trinity, and through the giving of love to one another.

Incidentally, Fr. Dan also wore the perfect chasuble for today: it is white, with three maroon-colored upward arcs. As he stood at the altar during the Eucharistic epiclesis, the two side arcs bent to his shoulders and up to each of the two sets of three high altar candles on either side; while the middle line went straight up, to Jesus on the cross.

Communion via the Eucharist, uniting heaven and Earth, all to the Blessed Trinity.


All Things in Truth

If we see something good in someone, we should give them affirmations. But like all things, the affirmations must be spoken from the truth in one's own heart-- not for deceit or flattery. Like all of our actions, they should be provided through prayerful discernment.

I heard a quote from a fifty year jubilarian priest recently, but I don't know what it means. I feel like there is something profound here, but maybe someone else can explain it to me in a way I can understand? Otherwise I will continue to meditate on it. Regarding seminary formation: "They taught us to keep in mind the truth of our faith and the manner the truth is expressed and celebrated. For example, they taught us to think of a small child who receives a gift but plays with the ribbon instead."

A friend of mine provided the personal, written correspondance of her father, and used Copilot to generate a summary of his character as a man. It came so close to accurately describing him, that she felt moved.

The moment brought her closer to God, and increased her love for her dad. While I think this is a very novel use for AI, and it provided her with succor, there is also a risk that people could use it on themselves, then mistakenly treat the AI's feedback about their own tempermanent as some kind of false, digital, substitute "Illumination of Conscience."

Large Language Models only play with statistics and words: "What is the next most probable word to use." They are not a replacement for the human mind, they only produce derivative works by definition, and they are most certainly not a replacement for God or prayer.

Using these tools should fall into the same rubric as recreation, or other things of that nature: "Is this activity-- 'talking' to the AI model-- bringing me closer to, or taking me further from, God? Does it give me an increase in holiness, or is it tempting me to evil action or sin? Does it bring me peace, or distress?"


Diagnosis

A very close friend of mine shared today that she has been diagnosed with cancer. You can refer to her a "R", the Lord will know the intentions on our hearts and for whom they are intended. Please pray for her healing, both physical and emotional.

I can't even express my gratitude towards God enough for putting such amazing people in my path. I need to full-time start carrying around a notebook with me, just to write down all of the profound things people say to me-- everyone has so much to teach me, I'm floored with humility.

Today it was saying goodbye to my coworkers. I had countless incredible hallway conversations with so many people, God bless all of them-- you! if you're reading this-- and I not only wish all of you the best, but am really going to work hard to intertwine all of our paths together in the future, as part of this amazing local community we are all a part of. I hope this can be the start of our collaborations, not the end!

On that note, there is so much opportunity in front of me that I'm going to take lots of prayer and discernment time this upcoming week just to try and make heads and tails of it.

The Lord is being almost unfathomably generous with this bounty He is setting in my sights: God gave me a mind for making connections-- how can I tie all of this together, not just in terms of the execution but even more importantly on a human level-- cleverly integrating all of you in some way, so we can accomplish God's work together, as one big family?

I think there is a solution here! It's like a giant Sudoku puzzle, just sitting there in front of me waiting to be solved. I have more or less a partial day at work on Monday, then Tuesday through Thursday I will really dive into formulating some concrete answers.

Today has been a great day! I haven't felt actual joy in months: it feels good! Since I knew I had no commitments today, and after several weeks of very little sleep, my Apple Watch told me I got 2.65 hours of REM last night.

But the biggest factor: during his homily yesterday, our pastor said that the surest sign of the Holy Spirit's presence is joy. Inspired by that, this morning in the shower I prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill me with that joy. In turn, I prohibited myself from doing anything even remotely work-related.

Instead, I spent the entire day tinkering around with my Commodore 64 Ultimate! I was in the very first batch last fall, but due to the new job I haven't really felt like playing with it, so it has very few hours on it. I wrote up some notes as I was studying how to use it:




I also set the unit up on my desk, so I can look things up online as I go-- click on the image for the huge, original version:



The cool part about the Sony PVM monitor I have is that it can do both NTSC and PAL-- I almost couldn't believe it, but there it was in the display's settings, and it does work! A lot of C64 games are designed to be played at PAL speeds, so it's super cool to have that option available to me. And also via this route, I'm able to use S-Video-- it looks so crisp on there I can hardly believe it.

Now that I have a Microsoft Business account for my LLC, I have full access to Copilot-- it is generating real, working C64 BASIC code for me! Combining it with my understanding from the C64 Ultimate manual, which covers BASIC in great detail, I feel like I can get a simple game prototype up and running pretty quickly.

I found an awesome online tool here, where I can draw game boards and then export them as "BYTE" statements. From there, I can convert those-- plus the color values-- into interwoven "DATA" statements, which I can then use to draw the colorized stages.

For now my game is just going to be text mode, and moving a character around the screen. So BASIC should be plenty fast! Once I get that going, I'll try swapping the character and enemy out for sprites, and see if I can get that working.

To copy files into my D64 floppy image, I installed the "VICE" emulator, and am using the "c1541" command-line tool. Then I just copy that D64 file to my USB thumb drive, plug that into the C64 Ultimate, mount the disk image, and away I go!

I think I'm going to really like my "new" life: I just have to survive five more work days of this crushing grind, then I'll be back to working from home again, with all of the flexibility I need to for sustainable mental health. I just need to keep my eye on the prize: June 2! Then the real healing can start.

On a couple of random notes: Gattuso in at Lazio; not certain how that will solve anything with Lotito still there, but we'll see. And Pope Leo's first encyclical is up! I might start reading it tonight, expect notes and observations next weekend hopefully.

I subscribed to "Game Pass" for a month so I could see how "Forza Horizon 6" is. Every single game I've ever tried on my 9070 XT has absolutely blown me away from a performance standpoint, and this is no different. What a wonderful video card!

Click below to see the full-size image. This is with, quite literally, everything maxed, including the ray-traced reflections and global illumination. FSR 4.1 is set to "Balanced". So then I flipped on AMD's "Fluid Frames" frame generation, and their control panel is telling me I'm getting right around 130 fps. Just astonishing!



I'd write more, but I'm going on day three of having a pretty nasty headache: my watch tells me I've been waking up over a dozen times a night-- last night was fifteen. But in case they're helpful, I will drop a couple of correspondences I've sent to friends over the past handful of days (with all personal details redacted naturally), in case they help some of you too.

God bless!

The first involves someone with whom I was speaking about the nature of anxiety. The second involves a friend who is having a conflict with someone else.


Anxiety and Satan

One more thing about anxiety popped into my head on the drive home: a priest once explained to me that anxiety is not from God; this priest could not emphasize the point strongly enough.

He went on to say, anxiety is a tool that the Evil One uses to turn us inward, rather than outward. When we get turned inward, we're not picking up on cues from the Holy Spirit regarding those around us; instead of serving others we're stuck in our own heads, which is exactly where Satan wants us.

In fact, I was told that the Evil One will sometimes even use someone's own holiness-- such as with many of the Saints-- to turn them inwards; for example, scrupulosity.

For you and me, God made us both intellectual people-- and it's that very charism which Satan is going to zero in on for us: that tendency to overthink things. I think that is why the "floor mat" trick [a humility technique I practice during the Mass] works so well for me: "Mike, your gaze is drifting inward again..."

You probably know a ton more than I do, so I'm most likely stating the obvious with all of this-- but I'd rather err on the side of being redundant in the off chance something I say may in some small way provide you with relief.

Thanks so much for our awesome chat by the way-- I hope we get to talk again soon!

God bless,
Mike


Sheep Among Wolves

Jesus: "See, I am sending you out like sheep into the midst of wolves; so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves."

You mean no ill will to this person, you want to lead all souls to heaven, even (or maybe especially!) people like them who cause you and others distress (that's the "dove" part). But at the same time, you recognize that you're among wolves, so a certain amount of shrewdness is needed (the "serpent" portion). It is not sinful to exercise caution in these situations; indeed, the Lord Himself gave these instructions.

"Everything you say which could harm me is instead going to slide off of me like water, and prompt me to pray for you to love God with all of your heart, because in so doing you will stop causing hurt to those around you."

This goes into what [a mutual friend] was saying too: "All of those anxieties and fears inside of you... when you really start focusing on what others around you need, those other things don't really matter anymore." By shifting the focus to prayer for their soul, I think you'll be more able to have that healthy compartmentalization without shutting off all emotions in all situations.

"I'm talking to a deeply damaged person in this situation, and in their damaged state they may lash out at me and at others." It'd be like finding a wounded animal in the woods; the animal may try to bite you-- you try to help, but cautiously. Then when you get home and pet your own dog at home, you're not afraid because the context and situation is different.

This isn't a perfect metaphor because unlike an animal, this person has free will-- so I'm not excusing culpability on their part in any way. But the metaphor does illustrate how we can and should compartmentalize situations based on their context as best as we can, so we can avoid a general, lasting sense of disassociation-- compartmentalization can help us set healthy boundaries.

Blessings,
Mike

I'm super excited to announce that I have created a new company, named after this very blog: Universal Zeal LLC!

Initially, the company will have a two-fold purpose-- you could consider it "two departments" maybe: IT services, and grant writing. If anyone hears of individuals or businesses looking for things like software development, systems integration, or are seeking funding for some venture, please do have them reach out to me via the contact information via the "Home" menu item. I'm looking forward to meeting with them, and hearing about their needs!

One thing I have already learned is that it is just as important to budget our time as it is our money. I sat down to napkin-math plan the next several weeks, and realized I've been working 85 to 91 hour weeks for the past three months! From now on, I am also going to budget in family and recreation time, plus time for my hobbies.


AI Concerns

This article probably won't put anyone's fears at rest regarding AI. I wonder if someone were to instruct them to operate according to Jesus's teachings, what the outcome of the overall model would be? AI can be incredibly helpful, but could get out of hand if we give it too much power in society.

At work last week, I was walking with my friend Cassie over break. A woman was there preparing to take a picture of some children, who were getting a tour. I was thinking, "How can I circumnavigate them?" But Cassie went up to the woman: "Do you want to be in the picture? Let me take it for you"-- a suggestion visibly appreciated and accepted by the visitor. I observed this, and just sort of went "Ah!"

I'm not as crazy as the AI bots by any stretch, but I still have a lot to learn about how to recognize and act on the needs of others.

Father Dan gave a phenomenal homily this morning on that subject, using the metaphor of cooking: "If you're missing something, the food may turn out 'edible', but nothing beyond." We are supposed to be evangelizing, taking part in the sacraments, and engaging in catechesis. But if we don't catechize by modeling via example, we are not going to wind up with that special dish.


An Example Role Model

This woman, Michelle Duppong, is one role model illustrating the above. From the website:



This is the same message which I received from Curt-- something I wrote about in this post.

However, too much concern for others can turn us inward, sort of like a correllary to scrupulosity, where the evil one uses our own holiness against us. It's crucial we pray for others and minister to them, but also not be too single-minded obsessive and lose sight of what the Lord is telling us to do in each moment. Sometimes it can even become controlling, or ego-focused.

But based on the suffering I see in the world, the error is towards not enough concern versus too much-- and it's probably not even close.

Speaking of Cassie, Curt, and role models, there is a prayer ministry session I am going to need to miss tonight. I feel very bad about it, because I am called to do it-- but I have some work-related things I need to get done before tomorrow. I will start attending these sessions regularly though, starting with the one two weeks from today. I think it can bear much fruit.

I feel self conscious and lacking in confidence when praying over others when they are present-- but I verbally pray for them alone in my room at night! I think I can overcome this lack of confidence, with the Lord's help.

It's always fun talking to my pastor; very chaotic conversations. An example from today:

• "One of the young girls we have serving at the altar is very bright."
• "Very true. However, let it be said that lots of times girls do better in school because the boys are busier taking things apart."
• "My uncle had a screwdriver in his room as a kid, just so he could take apart and rebuild all of his Transformers."
• "But it's bad when you have one part missing at the end."
• "See, an engineer told me once that if you put it back together and it still works without the missing bolt, you've just made the design more efficient."
• "Palmer Luckey, the Occulus Rift creator, made a lot of money with the DoD by making Patriot missiles out of fewer, and standardized parts."
• "That's sort of like the United States in WWII, where they could retool the car factories to make planes and bombs."
• "Yes, it's like that one Hirohito quote. You know, their culture was really built around 'down to the last person', to do the fighting."
• "One of those honor-based cultures."
• "Indeed. The Romans tried to capitalize in such a fervor as well, by..."

And on and on, haha; from "we know a smart girl" to Roman political theory. I wish everyone knew my pastor: he's a great man, extraordinarily talented, and a phenomenal leader.

I think everyone should pray for our priests. They have such difficult jobs, are so overworked, and need to make so many tough decisions. You can never please everyone, and they-- and our bishops too-- often get the brunt of criticism, when they shouldn't.

We should always remind ourselves of our beliefs in Apostolic succession, that the Holy Spirit is directing our bishops, and so forth, and give our Church leaders a huge amount of grace.


Reading Group

We're doing a reading group for the diaconate formation on this book. The first couple of chapters were interesting enough-- but then the author got into the buildup to Vatican II, which is where the "permanent diaconate" as it became called, wound up contentiously getting re-established.

It was so gripping I could hardly put the book down!

Had I been around in the 1960s, I would have found the opposition arguments to be much more lucid and compelling-- perhaps ironic, considering I'm seeking ordination to the very order in question!

Their argument in a nutshell: "So we're going to throw the incredibly important notion of celibacy out the window as a prerequisite to ordination, so that we can have designated people... serving the poor, or something? Church members are already performing these functions; and if you want new offices in the church, why do they need to involve ordination?"

My impression based on all of the language is that the "pro" group wound up engaging in all sorts sophistry, just to get the measure passed. "But the Orthodox are doing it!" is the bandwagon fallacy; "Well what if we just do it in isolated places?" just takes a bad idea and makes it even more confusing; "Why not just kick the celibacy can down the road to individual bishops?" And so forth.

Here's the kicker though: with sixty-plus years of retrospective insight... the "pro" camp was right.

We have a permanent deacon in my local "Area Catholic Community", and not only does he in no way detract from our pastor, or water down the concept of ordination, but he's an amazing complementary aspect to our community, and to Father.

Have there been droves of men saying "I feel called to be a priest, but I'm going to take the 'easy way out' and become a deacon instead"? Of course not-- in fact, it's so "not a thing" that the argument feels preposterous in the modern age.

I couldn't imagine the Church without the permanent diaconate at this point: it would leave a void. I think if I do go on to become ordained, God willing, I will wear the collar in public, as a reminder to everyone of that special "minister of the theshold" role I occupy among them, in service to them.

I also give major props to the guy who wrote section 29 of Lumen Gentium: he must have spent hours on every single word choice to achieve such a level of perfection in melding together everyone's concerns in one big compromise, that doesn't actually feel like a compromise: it's the epitome of rationality.

This whole "permanent diaconate" debate was so contentious that it was more heated at Vatican II than the college of bishops question. And yet, look at what we wound up with! It's a great illustration of how the Holy Spirit really does guide the Church, even when no one in the moment can clearly see what the right answer is.

One more thing I want to say: sometimes people are afraid of sharing their spiritual journey with others, for fear of social ostracism. Here they are on this profound path, but never mention it to anyone-- so they half think it's just in their head! "Oh, I don't want to speak about this out loud, because someone might call me crazy-- they might call me a kook!"

If, oh I don't know, believing in the literal creator of the universe makes us "kooks", then that is a badge we should wear with the highest honor!

But sometimes, it's a serious inhibitor for people! "Ok, so I believe that Jesus rose from the dead-- but I'd better not say anything, I mean, what if people think I'm nuts? Or if I talk about it, they'll think I'm going too far? That I'm becoming 'too religious'?"

Then I come to find out, this person has this incredible personal testimony, and that they are on the path to holiness... in those moments, the onus falls on us, who do not have the inhibition, to just set the example by calling out the elephant in the room-- to give them permission to talk about it! It can be as simple as saying "God bless you", or telling them that you'll pray for them. It brings it all out into the open.

It's a way of saying to them, "Um, yeah, there's literally an elephant, standing right there by the couch." To which they'll think, "Oh thank God, there really is an elephant in the living room with us! Here I thought I was imagining it, or that you'd think I was crazy if I pointed it out!"

The key is knowing when someone is ready for this prompting. If we're too sudden and they're not ready, it might harden their hearts, at least in the short run. I think this is why it's so important to be trying to listen all of the time to what God is saying to us.

We don't know when He will call! Only He knows the moments! So if we miss that prompting phone call-- "Knock knock, this is the Holy Spirit-- you need to say something to that person over there"-- the moment will have passed. These are the two key pieces: listening to the Lord to discern His will, then acting on His will when He tells us to. Listening, and acting.

I have a pulsating headache today from a cumulative lack of sleep-- but I have many things about which I want to write, so I feel compelled to proceed anyhow. As the voice in "Altered Beast" on the Genesis would say, "Wise fwum yo gwave!"

Before I proceed, I also have a prayer request: a close friend of mine at church, Dennis, is continuing to have health complications. If you could pray, specifically to St. Raphael, for the healing of his body, it would be extraordinarily appreciated.


The Nature of Suffering

What's interesting about suffering is that I have managed to successfully invert my previous perception of it: rather than viewing it as a bad thing and lamenting its presence, I use it as a way to sharpen my focus on ministering to those around me. I only share this altered viewpoint not with the intent of bragging-- which would be silly anyhow, since it is God who gives such graces-- but as a personal testimony to others that it is in fact possible to achive such a state, though I thought it nearly impossible myself mere weeks ago.


Mass Reading

I lectored this morning at Mass, and it so happened that today's first reading was "the deacon passage / we don't have time to wait on tables", Acts 6: 1-7. That was fun timing given the immiment (this fall) beginning of my studies. We also elected the latest member to our Pastoral Council after Mass.


Carnal Sins

I asked God at Mass on Friday, why are carnal sins bad? He explained to me that our bodies are tabernacles for His most blessed heart-- especially right after we receive Jesus in the Eucharist. He then asked me, would I permit someone to enter the church, and profane the tabernacle in the sanctuary? Of course not, I would do anything in my power to stop that person's actions, right to tackling them to the ground if it were necessary in an extreme case (such as vandalism). Why then, God asked me, would I profane my own body, or someone else's?


Fallen Host

My friend Cassie and I encountered a fallen host in the Sacristy on Friday. Unsure how to proceed, since we did not know whether it had been consecrated, we very carefully placed it into a pyx for protection, until we could consult one of our priests.

At First Saturday Mass yesterday, I asked our pastor. He said that in such a case where the state of the host is unknown, and it's also not known whether it is safe to consume (perhaps it is very old), it should be placed in an ablution cup and dissolved in water, until the form of the accident-- the form of bread-- no longer remains. Then, it can be poured into a sacrarium, or directly into the Earth.

The basis for this idea is that the presence is no longer there once the host is sufficiently dissolved, because it is no longer mostly bread. So even if the host had been consecrated, through these steps we would be erring on the absolute side of safety.


Prayer Service

On Friday, I was prayed over by two great charismatics. One of them was my very dear friend, Cassie. Another was a man named Curt, who I had only just met. I asked them to pray for my ability to abandon myself completely to God.

Cassie had me repeat over and over "my mantra", so-to-speak. She had no way of knowing, other than via the Holy Spirit, how important this expression is and has been to my Faith: "Lord, I trust in you." I could feel the healing in my body, as I repeated after her. Curt implored me to let myself go completely.

After having prayed with them, Cassie and Curt both moved to different sections of the church. I felt an irresistable compulsion to approach Curt again.

I asked him how long he had known he was a charismatic. He said, "Hmmm, I guess I found out when I started speaking in tongues." I was astonished! Out of all of the people I've ever met, I've only ever encountered one other person who could speak in tongues (a young lady on the path to great holiness-- perhaps for another day). I expressed this amazement to him. He smiled and joked in humility: "Well, in the 1970s all of us were speaking in tongues."

Then he explained to me that, eventually, the church cracked down on charismatics. I asked him why this was. His reply: "Some of them [the charismatics] started to think that they were running the show." I remarked, "Ahh, ego!", to which he responded "Yes... ego can be the absolute worst." I affirmed: "Pretty much every dumb mistake I've ever made in my life was due to ego."

He nodded, then said something so profound that I felt like I was punched in the stomach. It was the piece of my personal spiritual formation puzzle, which I had been grasping for but couldn't find; after all, if you want to hide something, hide it in plain sight-- it had been right in front of me the entire time, but I hadn't noticed it.

Here is what he said:

"You know all of those anxities and worries you have inside of you? When you really start paying attention to the needs of everyone else around you, those other things don't really matter anymore."

I audibly gasped. It was like a cross between a gasp and a sob. The sound just involuntarily came out of me, from deep within my soul. A gasp, and a sob, all rolled into one.

What he said was something I already knew, on some level: I mean, I knew the Saints were always in service to others. But in that moment, hearing it from this man, right in that instant... I felt in my heart a door open-- like something I thought was true, but was fighting, or resisting: suddenly I truly believed it: unabashedly, one hundred percent, with zero doubt. I suddenly could "see it", and understand it, and wrap my mind around it. I could almost physically grasp it, and roll it around in my hands like a pebble.

It became somehow visible to me-- almost tangible. And I believed.

I turned to him, crying, and gave him-- this guy I'd only known for maybe ten minutes-- a huge bear hug, which he reciprocated. I told him, "The Holy Spirit just gave me what I needed." He took my hands, and was so happy for me.

I turned, practically stumbled out of the church, and drove home in tears, praising God the entire way. Fifty years from now, if God still has me on this Earth, I will remember Friday as one of the very most pivotal in the entirety of my formation.


Another Blessing Beside

One other anecdote from Friday. I was walking past the enormous baptismal font in the church's generous narthex. There was this guy, a little older than me, a little shorter, with short, curly brown hair. I immediately felt a sort of connection with this man, and I could tell it went the other way do. We waved at each other and smiled.

A little later, I went outside to drop something off at my car. There was a man smoking a cigarette. He turned to me, and it was him again-- the same man! We laughed and made a joke about it. Later in the evening, I went in the men's room, and who walked up to wash his hands, right next to me? The same guy! But now we were really laughing about it-- "How many times we going to cross paths?"

As I was with the two aforementioned charismatics, a man came up and sat in the chair to be prayed over. I looked up-- it was him again! The fourth time. But what he said next explained everything about the connection I felt towards him: "I'm Father Dan's dad, by the way."

Oh!

Father Dan is our parochial vicar, and is my spiritual director and confessor. He has been and is monumental to my formation-- a colossus in my life, and rarely has there been a wiser man. And this guy sitting in front of me is his dad. What a huge blessing to have been able to meet him.

Hi everyone! I have a friend who is in some very significant need of prayer. Of course, as the problems were shared with me in total confidence I can not say anything beyond this. But the Lord knows the intention in my heart and to whom it is directed, so your prayers will efficaciously build on my own. Thank you all in advance!

There is also a member of my church named "Anna" who is having health issues, and could use some prayers. As a helpful suggestion for both of these individuals and for others, St. Raphael has tremendous intercessory power where it specifically relates to healing. Asking for him to pray along with us will be helpful.

My life continues to be a real whirlwind-- but I have quadruple-downed on turning to the Lord these past few nights especially, and to say it's been fruitful is an understatement! I feel like the strongest spiritual hurricane couldn't knock me over-- or that an Earthquake couldn't even swallow me up. I say this as a reminder, to myself especially but to all of you as well, that God is strongest when we are weakest: like an empty glass, our own deficit creates a greater opportunity for God's grace to fill us.

Over these past few nights, God has presented a couple of helpful metaphors, along with corresponding imagery. I only have time to type one of them up right now, hopefully I can do the other one in the coming days.

I asked God if Autism and other conditions like it were bugs, or features-- are they results of our fallen natures, or gifts of the Holy Spirit? He put the image in my mind of a perfect sphere: perfectly round, down to the sub-atomic level and even beyond, to infinity-- incomparably and perfectly polished and reflective too. This is God.

Then he showed me the picture of what I can best describe as a disco ball, but with ninety percent of the panels smashed and scuffed. This is us. Each panel is some attribute which we have. But the surfaces are not perfectly round-- not even close. They are flat panels, merely approximating a sphere when assembled.

To stick with the Autism example, people on the spectrum are often fantastic planners, great with details, and make connections which others miss. Also very often, they are super empaths, which is what leads to them feeling tired after social engagements.

God has all of our gifts, but perfectly and totally. Being absolutely complete, the positive aspects of the Autist are qualities which God also shares- ergo, overlooking or, to take it further, criticizing those qualities would also be criticizing God, which is nonsensical.

While it's true that the Autist suffers, so too do all humans in their own unique ways. This is because, unlike God, we are not complete. We are made in His likeness-- disco balls are roughly spherical, after all-- but our coarseness and obvious imperfections are what cause us grief. To not suffer would require us to be perfect. And no one is perfect except for God.

So just know that God loves you so, so much, as the misshapen disco ball you are. And always remember that He shares your best qualities-- qualities you should never discount, because in doing so you would be discounting Him too!

Friday: A healing ministry night at "the big church in town". Saturday: Serving at First Saturday Mass, and Adoration afterwards too. Sunday: Lectoring and leading the Pastoral Council election process. So many blessings that the Lord is leveraging all of our gifts in so many myriad ways!

This morning, I was invited to practice Lectio Divina with some other men in my community who are discerning to the diaconate. Due to lots of competing concerns-- many of them spiritual-- I haven't been devoting a lot of time to scripture itself lately; maybe this can be the catalyst to get me back to it?

One story I don't know whether I've shared is, when I started lectoring I used to get notifications on my watch that my resting pulse was shooting up to over 170, even though-- as my watch astutely noted-- I "did not appear to be exercising". Being nervous is one thing, but borderline having a heart attack did not seem healthy.

The same pattern happened when I started serving at the altar. I could barely think straight, my heart was going crazy. Why was I that anxious to be up there?

I ran this issue past my friend, Jim. He answered my question with a question: "Does God love you any less if you make a mistake?" I pondered for a moment... "Well, no. No, He doesn't." "Then why", Jim continued, "are you elevating the opinion of man, over that of God?"

I took it to prayer, and God revealed the bigger picture to me.

As a child, my sense of self-worth formed from being "the smartest kid in the school". When I got to high school and was in all of the honors classes, I quickly realized that at least half of the kids in there were smarter than I was! I was in a much, much larger pond, with all of the other "smartest kids in their own schools." This led to a crash in self-confidence. What the Lord showed me was, I had never gotten over it.

While I was up there, whether lectoring or serving, I was trying to be perfect to show off how cool I was, to wallpaper over what was actually intense insecurity. It was my subconscious trying to cover up for frail self-confidence through sheer gusto. But of course, no one is perfect! And yet, that was the bar I was trying to set for myself, hence the 170 pulse.

There is a long floor mat in the entryway of my home church. Whenever I was up there, I started to look at that floor mat: "That's me", I would remind myself. "I am the last of the last. I am here to serve. I am the lowest of the low: the humblest of the humble. I want everyone else to teach me, so that I can better serve them."

And that was it! My anxiety was gone!

Of course, I still get that healthy edge, where I am focused and want to do well. But in those situations, my entire orientation shifted away from me, and towards others. My newfound humility even made me a better listener, because rather than trying to show off "how smart I was", I was being a student and learning from everyone around me.


Other Musings

This morning, my dream "deacon mentor" said "yes"! Unbeknownst to me at the time, my discernment to the diaconate really started when I met him: we had a deacon at my church growing up, but he was hardly ever there, and I didn't know him. But my now-deacon mentor was present in Ellyn's RCIA classes, and it was through his example that I first became interested in the diaconate, at least at a sub-conscious level.

The Lord has now blessed me with the best spiritual director I could ever possibly imagine, in the form of my church's parochial vicar-- the best pastor I could imagine, to help guide and shape my formation-- and now the best mentor I could possibly imagine. The blessings all around are beyond my ability to even offer thanksgiving to God for: I feel deeply unworthy.

Also this morning, a couple of the men brought up this hermitage as a wonderful location to make a prayerful retreat, for self-reflection.

My friend Cassie borrowed me this book. I won't provided any spoilers, but it was extremely inspirational. Forgetting the key-most part of his story which I don't want to give away, another major take-away is that if he could get through seminary, given that he almost functionally lacked the ability to read going in, surely I can accomplish what it is God is asking me to do.

Changing subjects, I saw a thread on a forum recently, proclaiming this, that, and the other tune to be "the best video game song ever composed". I thought all of the suggestions, while decent enough, weren't even close to taking home that title. My vote for best video game composition of all time? Tim Follin's "Solstice" theme, on the NES.


Prayer for Surrender

"Lord, I thank You for another day of life. I surrender everything to You-- all that I have, all my talents. Take me and lead me and guide me where You want me to go, whom You want me to meet, and what You want me to say. I surrender everything to You. Use me as You see fitto give You the glory. Send Your Holy Spirit to fill me up and guide me. Amen."

-Father Mark Stang

For people who aren't particularly on the autism spectrum, there's a bucket-- "Bucket A"-- which gets filled up with obligations and tasks-- as the duties pile up, stress increases. As the tasks are completed, stress levels go back down again. It's maybe mildly more complex than that, but it's the basic operational picture.

If "Bucket A" becomes full, production ceases until the person can empty it to make room. If they persist anyway, the bucket will overflow and splash onto the sensitive electronics below, causing a short-circuit: i.e., burnout.

For people on the spectrum, these same rules apply-- except there is also a second bucket: the stimulus bucket, or "Bucket B". Every time an autistic person has to task switch, read the body language of a bunch of people at once, is in a noisy or busy setting, or myriad other things, "Bucket B" fills up.

The only way to empty "Bucket B" is for the autistic person to engage in uninterrupted special interests, be in a quiet place alone for awhile, stim, and so forth. For an autistic person, if "Bucket A" or "Bucket B" are full, production ceases. If "Bucket B" overflows, there's diassociation, insomnia, psychsomatic problems, and so on.

The key for an autistic person then is to be able to bail out "Bucket B" faster than it's filled. If this ratio is positive, life is sustainable. If it's negative, the person will eventually disintegrate.

In trying to be helpful, which I really do appreciate, people keep telling me to not commit to so many things-- "you're too busy". This is because they are only aware of "Bucket A": the only one they have, in most cases! Ergo, if I'm stressed, it must be because I have too many obligations.

The real issue for me over the past six months isn't that "Bucket A" is full: it's that my "Bucket B" is completely filled up by about the end of Tuesday, maybe Wednesday if I'm lucky-- and I can't bail it fast enough to keep it from dumping water all over my circuitry.

Emptying "Bucket A" of obligations doesn't resolve the bottleneck.

To further explain the dynamic, a lot of my church involvement lowers the water level in "Bucket B", even though it's nominally an increase in "Bucket A".

To be fair, it's not one hundred percent incorrect either to be wary of too many obligations: leading up to Holy Week, for example, I did not have enough time to engage in "Bucket B"-emptying activities, like reading books or playing video games. But that admission in hand, "too many obligations" is not the proximate cause of my issues.

The best approach to get me back on track would be a mix of slowing the rate of water flow into "Bucket B", in concert with increasing the rate of flow out of it.

I ran this model past my sister-in-law who is also on the spectrum, and she found the abstraction as a super helpful way to explain things to others-- so hopefully it can be of assistance to the rest of you, as well.

God bless!