Somewhere around 1996, my paternal grandfather was cleaning out his closet and ran across his original 640K IBM XT clone which looked very similar to the real deal. He gave it to me, along with an ancient EGA ISA card and EGA monitor-- I had so much fun with that thing!

It was surprising how well 1980s DOS games ran on it; titles like "Maniac Mansion" or the DOS version of "Megaman", or text games such as "ZZT". There was even this untextured polygon science fiction tank game which had surprisingly steady performance on the 8088.

Funnily, after I had installed the EGA card I could smell burning: I immediately flipped the PC off and realized I hadn't seated the card all the way! The slots from the very early 1980s were much less reinforced than something like modern-day PCI-Express; things were a little wobbly or "mushy"; no affirming "clicks" or other feedback.

Not to mention, motherboards of that era-- and even well into the 90s-- had a good half-dozen dipswitches you had to have set correctly, otherwise you'd fry the whole thing! Plugs were also not dummy-proof, so you could definitely connect them in backwards and short everything out that way too.


Metaphors

If (God willing) I do go on to ordination one day, and (God save us) I am preaching after that time, I think I will use a lot of metaphors. It's so much easier to understand something by way of analogy or mental picture!

The danger with metaphors: there is that concept in philosophy where "the thing" and the understanding of "the thing" in our minds are obviously not the same; fidelity to the truth is lost. This point was well-illustrated by an old friend of mine who used to say, "All models are wrong; some models are useful".

Further, during a homily the metaphor-- already imperfect in the deliverer's mind-- must be communicated to the congregation. Playing "telephone" adds a second layer of risk. A third layer of risk is that the subject in homiletics is often God, who is intrinsically incomprehensible.

But, if the metaphor is carefully thought through, the concessions as to its accuracy are clearly explained, and it is framed by adequate context, I think they can be a powerful catechetical tool.

Another thing related to homiletics I've noticed is that the subject matter often differs between roles. In my parish, our pastor gives pastoral-oriented talks, since that's his role! "What messages do I need to communicate to shepherd my flock in the correct direction?" It could even be encouragement to participate in a bake sale, if that's what's required at that moment.

By contrast, our parochial vicar leans more towards Theology and Scripture analysis, how to spiritually orient oneself towards God, and how to apply those concepts practically.

Our deacon then leans into the relatable: "I once saw this movie, maybe all of you saw it too, where this character..."-- he bridges (minister of the threshhold) complex Theological concepts with humble references people already know and understand.

Some of that is personality-oriented; but I also sense there is some degree of "staying in one's lane", especially when it comes to someone like myself who will be preaching as a deacon. I have both "intellectual" and "analytical" in my top five "Strengths Finder" traits, so a risk for me is to be too abstract in my homilies. I think simple, practical metaphors can go a long way towards mitigating that risk.


Mantova

For those who don't know, Lazio got knocked out of the Coppa Italia by a mid-table Serie B team yesterday in the preliminray round. They will now only be playing in Serie A for the next nine months.

I've been watching Lazio for twenty-two seasons, so I've seen some "clunkers"-- yesterday's game was rock bottom: the single-worst Lazio performance I've ever seen. They didn't get knocked out as in "dominated the game but got unlucky": no, they looked like a third-division side from the first minute to the last. A casual observer would have thought Mantova was the "bigger" team.

The stadium was almost completely empty, except for a section into which they hard corraled two thousand traveling supporters. All one could hear through the entire game were those fans; it felt like an away fixture. And that will be the case literally the entire season: no home games, so-to-speak.

The players themselves looked leggy and exhausted. Zaccagni didn't play a good game the entirety of last season, and he looked just as terrible yesterday. Coaching-wise, Gattuso reminds me of Igor Tudor: one of those coaches who focuses on motivation, but with almost zero emphasis on tactics.

Lazio couldn't even pass the ball properly without turning it over, and they were completely outclassed by a team where the most expensive player was worth two million EUR on the market-- I had checked them out on "Transfermarkt", and they reminded me of the old "NSC Stars", pre-Minnesota United era.

We are at serious risk of relegation this year. I'm not sure from where forty points will be acquired. Even teams like Udinese sound like terrifying opponents at this moment. We need a striker, and we need a central defender, ASAP.

I learned a new word last night: kenosis. I thought to myself, "Sounds sort of like gnostic"-- I was on the right track, as kenosis is also related to our understanding of Christ's divinity.

Catholics believe that Christ voluntarily took on the limitations of man, including birth, but without suffering the consequences of the Fall. Jesus had no Original Sin, in spite of the fact He became incarnate.

Before the Fall, Adam and Eve suffered no disease, no decay. But after the Fall, they were subject to predators, sickness, death, and the emotional and psychological loss of their former state. They keenly and acutely felt the tear in their relationship with God which their sin had created.

So while Jesus was man, He was more like Adam and Eve before the Fall; His nature wasn't fallen, so he was immune from decay and death. Additionally, there was no loss of relationship with the Father, given that Jesus Himself is one person in the Triune God.

Kenosis. What's also cool is that this understanding is compatible with the notion of the hypostasis.

I was also reading about today's Saints. Before imprisonment, Hippolytus sounds like he was some kind of Catholic Alex Jones-- I can just see him throwing chairs, "The devil will not win, I'm sick and tired of this crap!! Satan! Today I am declaring myself the anti-pope! Raaaaaugh!"

It has to be said, "Maximinus Thrax" sounds like some kind of character out of the "Mass Effect" series! Or some kind of pro-wrestler! I can see the t-shirts: "Mess with the Thrax, and you'll pay the tax."

Finally, the eagle-eyed among you may have noticed the new "Catholic Reading List" menu item above! My friends Sam and Jayda have been assembling reading list PDF files-- I used Copilot to OCR them and translate them to HTML. There's enough reading material on there for multiple lifetimes I think.

Be forewarned: there will possibly be a flurry of continued Frank Sheed posts over the coming days and weeks as I resume studying his material. Don't say you weren't cautioned!

In the section I read last night, he explained that we have our natural lives, and our supernatural lives. Our natural lives are our base state, while our supernatural lives give us capabilities above and beyond.

For example, in Myers-Briggs terms I am a very pronounced INTJ. I have taken and retaken the test probably two dozen times over twenty years, and have always gotten the same result. Note the first letter: "I". "I" is for introvert. The opposite pole is "E" for extrovert. I universally test over ninety percent "I" when answering the questions open-mindedly and honestly.

Naturally then, I am very shy and need significant recharge time after social engagements. When God asked me to enter the diaconate formation, I had a bit of a wrestling match with the Lord: "I literally can't do this-- it is beyond me in terms of capability."

This is because I was only taking my natural life into account. A previous boss of mine liked to say, "God doesn't call the equipped; He equips the called." And this is what happened: God's grace extended my capabilities via a supernatural life.

I have a very dear friend who was a NET minister. She said she didn't even know what town they were in, or what day of the week it was, or which church basement floor she was attempting to sleep on. Her natural self was one hundred percent spent physically, emotionally, and mentally. And yet, month after month she was able to pour herself out for the kids on the retreats. It felt like a miracle-- because it was. She told me, "It dawned on me one day that the strength was not coming from me; I had nothing left to give."

Think of Peter: he was a humble fisherman. How in the world could he have the incredible eloquence and ability to proclaim the Gospel message he demonstrated as the rock of the Church?

From a personal testimony side, during these TEC Retreats I have been participating in, I am going on four hours of sleep and am in a non-stop social setting for multiple consecutive days, yet am absolutely in my element; how? When I minister at funerals, I am surrounded by grieving family; when I was chairman of the Pastoral Council, I ran every meeting and made it a point to have 1-1 telephone check-ins with the members.

This was all made possible because God, through His sanctifying grace, was giving me supernatural capabilities to fulfill these functions. Imagine it like a bar chart: the bottom part is our natural life; the supplementary bar on top of that is our supernatural life.

Frank Sheed provides the metaphor of a jar containing cream. The cream is God's sanctifying grace. When Adam and Eve sinned by eating from the tree, the jar fell and got a crack in it. So, God needs to continually fill us with His grace due to the crack.

I mentioned this metaphor to my mother-in-law this morning, and it really worked for her. When I hear "Mike, you are broken" I take that as a logical statement: having a crack is a state of being broken-- so the language works for me. But for her, that language felt too personal: "Didn't God make me who I am? I'm not broken..."

The jar imagery gave her another way to look at it: "I get it now! And because of Original Sin, the crack will never disappear from me here on Earth-- but God's grace could at least potentially make the crack smaller over time as it operates on me. Then in heaven, the crack will be gone."

Taking the weekend to relax was hugely beneficial, I recommend it! Jesus often went off on His own for periods; as He modeled all things for us, so too did He demonstrate the importance of taking time for solitude and personal prayer with the Father.

Recently, I saw a short video clip of someone questioning Sacred Scripture, citing numerous quotes from the Old Testament to make the "God is cruel and insane"-style connection.

Just like how Paul tailored his message in his various letters, so too have God's interactions with humans been carefully-- perfectly, actually-- crafted to fulfill the giant love story arc that is His Providence. Jesus becoming incarnate in 4000 B.C. wouldn't have allowed for God to lay all of the foundation through prefigurement, the prophecies, and so forth. The Father had to pave the way for the Son.

In other words, it wasn't time yet.

This fellow raised the objection, "But God created the universe itself, so couldn't He have made it time? And why would He punish someone for a sin He already knew they would commit?"

An important thing to remember is that God loves us so much He gives us Free Will. By definition, love is something freely given. He could snap his fingers and make us robots who automatically "adore" Him-- but that isn't love. We get to choose, but our choices are ultimately baked into His plan, from before time began. The two concepts aren't mutually exclusive.

He freely provides His grace, mercy, and forgiveness to each and every one of us. And He will work through us in unique ways, just as He worked with humanity differently in ancient times versus today. But it is up to us to choose to have that relationship with Him.

I got in a few hours of grant writing this morning, trying to catch up on having missed so much time last weekend and week. Feeling like the application I'm working on is really coming into shape.

I hadn't watched a KJ Ozborne video in quite awhile, the shipping container part at the 17:50 mark here reminds me of the basement arrangement Duncan and I have! It's not fancy or pretty, but we can exercise, we have electricity, we have a bathroom, we have a little hot plate and microwave air frier combo, a little fridge and freezer, and so on.

The initial house addition investment was expensive, I probably couldn't afford to do it in 2026. But back in 2021, the proceeds from my Twin Cities house paid for that-- zero debt from the project. Cost me next to nothing to put together the basement part, and I have no mortgage payment as I co-own the property outright. I even have a little garage outside for my car, so it doesn't get hailed on. It's not perfect, but it is economical.

I sort of feel like I need it now, with how expensive everything has gotten. I have absolutely zero clue how I would be surviving right now if I actually had a mortgage payment. The kids would have to go into a public school or something because we would need two full-time income earners.

On a different note, things are so bad right now with Lazio that it got me reminiscing of "the good old days", barely more than just five years ago when our team had about double the quality it does now. Somehow I had that insane Correa goal in the Coppa Italia final pop into my head, so I went and looked it up.

Ellyn and the kids have frequently been going to Mass at "the big church in town" on Saturdays, since it lines up with Henrietta's work schedule. Since I'm going to Mass alone on Sundays then, I've been serving at the altar even when I'm not technically scheduled, so we can do candles during the processions and Gospel reading. It's cool to have three servers.

I have literally everything muted today, and might tomorrow as well. I've been spending on average about eight hours of socializing per day for the past several days, so taking this weekend to have some alone time to collect myself, and pray. Might play some video games this afternoon too.

I had the most wonderful conversation with my youngest brother last night, discussing Christianity. He's a real brainiac, very well-read, and I always value his impressions.

In a nutshell, he was bringing to light many of the terrible things Christians have done in the past: violent impositions of their will. While there is "those who do not know the past are doomed to repeat it" value, my counter-argument was that if one evaluates the Gospel message and finds it to be true, then the past is one big non-sequitur.

If I've concluded that Jesus is who He says He is, and He tells me to perform great acts of charity in His name, should I not perform those acts in His name because a Christian missionary murdered someone a thousand years ago?

The Church herself would condemn the sins of that missionary. My brother brought up Augustine's "just war" theory; beyond the importance of Pastoral context, it's critical to look at what the Church actually teaches regarding war and violence.

Augustine can be a brilliant and very holy man, and simultaneously in error on specific things. Wedding oneself to every syllable simply leads to sycophancy, closing our minds to potential truths. Pope Francis said all sorts of weird things off-the-cuff, but he also did have a unique dispensation of grace by virtue of being Pope.

Both things can be true at the same time; it's not "all or nothing", which is why the Church teaches that even Popes are fallible. One of the beautiful things about the Church is that she is continually adjusting her teachings to more closely align with eternal, revealed truths.


More Frank Sheed

How about this formulation (in my own words)?



Or this one?



I ran that second one past Ellyn last night, and she laughed out loud: "Talk about cutting off one's own nose to spite one's face!"


Today

Going to continue working on some grant work for the incredible non-profit I am helping. I have a phone call set up with my aunt. I've also been continuing to network, and have built some amazing, probably life-long connections. All of you are real blessings! I also might squeeze in some more "EA Sports FC 26" on the PS5 Pro, and "Metroid Prime 4" on the Switch 2, if I have time. Plus continue "Theology and Sanity."

I went to another TEC retreat this past weekend, and if anything it was even more astonishing than what I wrote about here! I can't encourage everyone to go to TEC enough. I feel like I made some life-long friends this weekend, I will be reaching out to you via email very soon!

One of those new friends, Sam, has inspired me to pick up Frank Sheed's "Theology and Sanity" again, after having stopped reading it maybe a year ago. He and I are also going to work on a project to digitize a massive book list which he's obtained through a connection of his-- we will post that book list online once it's ready.

On another Faith-related note, I'd seen this in my news feeds before I left. TEC-- "Together Encountering Christ"-- has a prison ministry parallel program called REC-- "Residents Encountering Christ." I think part of my ministry as a deacon, starting way before ordination but continuing after, will be heavy participation in both TEC and REC.

As many of you doubtless know, my dad was incarcerated at some point in his past, and God's grace has been moving him to such an astonishing degree that he is now buying groceries for homeless people and having random strangers in public giving him hugs for being so kind.

I was reading one of Paul's letters the other day-- I'd need to check my notes to remember which one-- and Paul, of his own spiritual transformation, explains that God chose him to make an example for others: "If God convert Saul, the worst dude you can possibly imagine with so much blood on his hands, then imagine what He can do for you?"

As Christians and indeed Catholics we are a people of hope, and that hope extends to all of us, no matter what is in our past.

Unfortunately I'm feeling a bit under the weather and am going to lay down for a bit-- I think something other than just the Holy Spirit may have been circulating this past weekend. God bless you all.

I've had a somewhat flat spiritual affect lately, if that makes any sense. I don't feel any further from God, if anything I feel closer to Him than ever. I took this odd feeling to prayer and realized that this new way of being for me-- focusing on the needs of others-- has become so engrained in me, that I'm not having to consciously focus on it anymore.

In other words, it's a sign of progress, not a regression. It's like that time many moons ago when I had to drive in a blizzard. My entire mind had to focus on the conditions, versus the mechanical operation of the car. And that was when I realized I could finally drive a manual transmission subconsciously.

On a spiritual note, one can do a pilgrimage right here in Minnesota! One of the locations is the seat of the Archdiocese, the Cathedral in St. Paul. That is where my dad goes to Mass-- so he could satisfy one leg of the pilgrimage every week.


EA Sports FC 26

I've been playing the "Manager Career Mode" on my PS5 Pro off-and-on since it came out last fall, just chipping away towards a complete squad renovation and promotion-from-Serie-B campaign with Pescara. I did indeed get them promoted, and also won the Coppa Italia. Which means I will now be in the Europa League, on top of Serie A and the Coppa.

In the few transfer windows I've had with them, I've been painstakingly working the transfer market, wheeling and dealing like I've been doing in franchise modes since NFL 2K1 on the Dreamcast. I'm at the point now where every single player in the squad will be rated 80-or-higher once they achieve their maximum potential.

Not only that, but I selected each player to be a perfect fit to the tactical system I utilize. A couple of the players are "fake" Primavera youngsters: "de Vries" who has a max potential of over ninety, and "Leone" in central defense.

And I still have almost eight million in transfer kitty left, plus the wage wiggle room to sign probably one more high profile youth target. The first picture is my starting team; the second is essentially an entire second, backup squad; and the third picture is the note taking system I use for all of my planning in games like these.

Click on any of these pictures for a larger version.

I've been holding off because sporting news tends not to age very well, but I'm in such a state of utter confusion regarding Lazio right now that I feel compelled to write down a few of my questions:

• Apparently even if Romagnoli winds up staying, we can't afford his 2.5 million EUR wage. Lazio's revenue was published in a recent article: it's been more or less stable for several years in a row. Not growing, but not diminishing either. How could we afford a team just a few years ago, full of players with 2.5 million EUR wages and higher-- heck, even Pellegrini makes 2.4, I think Ciro made 3.5, similar with Sergej-- and now we can't, when the revenue is the same?


• Why is there zero communication coming out of Lazio? What is even occurring at the club? Who knows! Lotito was confronted at the Reggina press conference-- why he's buying or allowed to buy a second team when he's running the first one into the gutter is another point-- and asked a question about Lazio; his reply? "I'm only going to talk about Reggina." And what happened to Fabiani? Is he even alive? He hasn't issued a statement in forever! Doesn't Lazio have an actual communications person, or can they not afford any staff anymore?


• How in the world was Lazio allowed to slip into this limited market state again? They are the only team in Serie A with market limitations. Who manages the finances at Lazio? Do they have an accountant-- even a college intern who knows how to use Excel? It's beyond my comprehension.


• Why are Lazio not playing any friendlies? They are playing only against their own Primavera team, and some local outfits. Was it a lack of ability to organize such matches-- like, does the team have actual staff anymore? Is it because they literally can't afford plane flights? Is it because they don't want everyone to see how bad the team is, even though that will get revealed when actual league play begins? And with zero communication coming out of the club, it's not like anyone can ask and actually receive an answer.


• Why has the league not intervened? I know it's not like American sports-- in Italy the teams aren't franchises. But if I were the league's president, my hair would be on fire at the notion that one of the supposedly most recognizable teams in my league were about to play an entire season in an empty stadium. How is that a good advert for Italian football? I would be applying maximum pressure to Lotito-- "This needs to be resolved, I don't care what you say, things can not move forward like this. I will begin to sanction you in every way within my power to do so."


• Why have we sold umpteen million players over the past two windows, plus had millions in contract expirations, yet almost none of that money has been reinvested? We sold Castellanos and Guendouzi for a combined sixty million EUR-- and we bought Ratkov for 13 I think it was, and Taylor for 15. Where in blazes did the rest of that money go? Did Lotito steal it? Or do we have extraordinary, massive debts which aren't being revealed?

I was asking Copilot if there was any precedence for any of this, in any professional sport, in the history of Earth. It could find isolated instances of some of these things-- like, "well this team played one game without fans one time"-- but nothing even approaching what is happening at Lazio. It's almost like the club is defunct and totally financially insolvent, but somehow it's being kept secret, even though the team is traded on an exchange.

In that vein, is Lotito going to get arrested for cooked books? I'm wondering who even works at Formello-- is there a staff remaining? I would love to know what's happening between closed doors, because from the outside I can't make heads or tails of any of it. I think if I were to describe this to people outside of Italy who don't know the news cycle, they wouldn't even believe me.

Who is running the daily operations at Lazio? Anyone? Because it kind of seems like no one is home. And when there is a dearth of communication, that leaves a data vacuum into which peoples' worst fears begin to flow, including my own. The only positive conjecture I can make is that Lotito is in the final stages to sell, which is why he's not investing any further money. That would fit the evidence, and I can only hope.

A lot of you have asked me with regards to the diaconate, "What is formation?", and "You have to go to school, right?", and "How long will it take before you are ordained?" All great questions, and ones I had as well, as I was discerning regarding whether to apply!

Formation means just like what the word implies: to be formed-- but not just formed in some random direction; there are four areas of formation on which the program focuses:

• Human: This includes things like emotional maturity and stability, ability to relate to people of all stripes, self-awareness, and effective communication skills.
• Spiritual: This dimension involves depth of prayer life, an understanding of Christian theology, and ability to discern vocations.
• Pastoral: This includes leadership potential, service to the community, collaborative abilities, plus pastoral sensitivity and compassion.
• Intellectual: This involves the application of theological knowledge, Biblical literacy, the ability to learn, plus critical thinking skills.

How Formation Takes Place

In no particular order, one way is through school: at the end of August I will be starting class for the Fall semester, at St. John's School of Theology and Seminary, with the objective of obtaining a "Master of Arts in Ministry" degree. My personal goal is to complete this program in four years: one class each semester, plus one class each summer. Because almost all deacons are married plus have families and careers, school is very much a part-time thing.

Logistically, my "Area Catholic Community" and my Diocese split the tuition and book costs. They have rooms one can rent for a ridiculously low price; my plan is to "Zoom" into my Monday-and-Wednesday mid-day class on Mondays; to drive down for my Tuesday evening class; to sleep over night at the school; to study all Wednesday until 13:00, when class on Wednesday starts; then to work my career on Saturday-- i.e. Sunday and Wednesdays will be my "weekend".

But there is a ton of flexibility with classes, and you have a wonderful advisory team who will help you plan your route through the program.

A second way formation takes place is pastorally. I was already doing much of this prior to any kind of diaconal discernment: I serve at the altar; I am a sacristan; I am a lector; I run the liturgy committee; I am strongly integrated with my church community; I do volunteer service work; I help people with their own discernment in life by trying to be a good listener, and supplying whatever meager spiritual advice I can, etc.

For me personally, my next steps are to learn how to be an extraordinary minister, to start doing ministry at "the big church in town", and to formulate what "my deacon things" will be. I am part-way through the road towards prison ministry, and I also enjoy catechesis so may be helping teach at OCIA classes. I think I have partially-latent charismatic gifts, which I would like to explore. And I am also starting this wonderful business, to serve all of you, who are in turn serving others!

But for men just starting out, they will be asked to start upping their involvement, under the supervision and direction of their pastor. So don't worry if you are just getting involved-- that's what the program is for!

A third way formation takes place is via trusted counsel. Discernment doesn't just mean "do I apply for the program or not"-- rather, discernment is the label applied to the entire journey! Just as is the case with priests, many men who begin formation discern out of it part-way through, due to a wide variety of possible circumstances. On the journey you are accompanied by a Spiritual Director and a Deacon Mentor. I was very blessed to already have a Spiritual Director, and a dear friend of mine is a deacon, so he gladly agreed to be my mentor. But there are resources to help you find both of those people, for you!


What a Deacon Does

Going into Vatican II, there were various clerical orders-- acolyte, lector, and so forth-- not to mention priests and bishops. These were changed up a bit-- now there are three ordained orders in the Church:

• The Episcopate: Bishops. They shepherd the flock, and are the spiritual descendents of the Apostles, having had apostolic authority delegated to them through the ages.
• The Presbyterate: Priests. Since a bishop can't pastorally serve a huge flock by himself, he has priests to help him.
• The Diaconate: Deacons. They have a primary two-fold purpose, which deserves its own paragraphs below since this is the subject of this blog post.

The two primary functions of a deacon are to be Christ's hands in the community, and to be what is often called "a minister of the threshhold".

There is some debate about the etymological root of the word, but it is often said that "diakonia" means "service". Either way, if you look at the "we don't have time to wait on tables!" origin of the Diaconate, in Acts 6, you can see the way largely painted as to what deacons should be doing today: serving the community, and helping the pastor with spiritual and administrative tasks.

The second function involves the fact that, unlike the other two ordained orders, deacons are almost always married with kids. So they have one foot each in two different vocations: that of the ordained, and that of consecrated married life. As such, they are community leaders and liaisons of a little bit different flavor than, let's say, a priest-- making the diaconal office distinct.

The re-institution of the permanent diaconate order at Vatican II was extremely contentious. One of the main arguments was, "We already have laity serving the poor! So now we're going to ordain non-celibate men to... work at soup kitchens, or something?"

What has emerged in the many decades since then is this answer to that question: many people-- laity, deacons, or otherwise-- obviously have charisms; gifts of prophesy, healing, speaking in tongues, or whatever it may be. A charismatic, let's say, might be engaged in healing at a ministry event-- but when he is out grocery shopping, he is not probably engaging that charism.

The difference with deacons is that it is a permanent state: no matter where the deacon is, he is always a deacon-- once he's in, he's in, and no matter the setting everyone recognizes his permanent, clerical condition as an ordained minister. This is part of the special grace that flows through ordination; if ordination did not dispense special graces, then why would we ordain bishops or priests either?

Hopefully this helps explain things a bit, but as always please do send me further questions or thoughts. God bless!

Duncan, Henrietta, and myself spent part of the afternoon discussing metaphysics and proofs for God's existence. They didn't like my "tree-and-seed" metaphor on these grounds: "What if the universe is infinite? Just an endless series of 'Big Bangs'? Then there is need to explain an origin."

In other words and after a lot of discussion and banter, we posed this hypothetical to ourselves:

1. The universe always has been and always will be; it has no beginning or end. No need to explain a creator.
2. There is a perpetual force which operates on its own motive power. Being perpetual, it also has no creator.
3. All other motion in the universe is driven by the force in bullet two. No need to attribute some other force.

There! Does this not eliminate the necessity of any argument for God? The universe is self-sufficient on its own.

Then Thomas Aquinas figuratively walked into our conversation: "Cool story bros! So if you had to name this thing in your three bullets, what would you call it?" I don't know, maybe Fred? "Neat! Good name! Can I propose a different word?"

"How about God?"

• Acts 17:28: "For in Him we live and move and have our being."
• Colossians 1:16-17: "In him all things hold together."
• Hebrews 1:3: "Sustaining all things by his powerful word."

Perhaps my favorite part in all of Scripture-- I actually got to read this at Mass once; when Moses asked God what He should be called, God replied: "I am who am."

Aquinas was simply recognizing a phenomenon which so obviously exists. It's helpful to apply some handle, so we can then discuss it using language. But then you marry it to Scripture, and it becomes apparent that this phenomenon is God-- why not just use that as the handle?

In the Catholic faith the tabernacle has the "alpha" and "omega" symbols on it. We also have the "Gloria Patri":



And the Eternal Rest prayer:



These things make a lot more sense after today's conversation.

I have such a difficult time getting into praise and worship music, because musically it bores the heck out of me. The lyrics are great, but the compositions are so basic, and in genres I don't enjoy, that I start zoning out in seconds. I want to like it, but it's uphill.

I decided, "Why not look up the best Christian power metal bands, and see if there is anything good out there?" I started with the consensus best band, and that band's consensus best album: "As the World Bleeds", by "Theocracy". I gave it two full listens-- how does it stack up against my favorite albums of all time?

On the positives, I'm happy such an album exists. Lyrically it's incredible, teaching the kerygma and brushing on proofs of God's existence. Also, the vocalist is probably in the top ten percent of all power metal singers I've heard: he has a wonderfully clear voice, can project, and has a good falsetto.

The problems come in musically, where it seems like the talent levels are just sort of-- as the kids would say-- "mid". I've spent the past twenty six years listening to the genre, and "Theocracy" are probably in the bottom quarter in terms of compositionally quality. I find myself continually frustrated with their chord progressions, for example, where they will get so close but then "miss it" part-way through. Interest will start to build, then it will go sideways, and I almost want to shout, "No, no, no! That's not it!"

There are some guitar solos, but they are-- again-- pretty basic; probably just a limitation of the guitarist's talent. Overall, "As the World Bleeds" is definitely listenable-- it's not bad-- but it's way off the pace of even the bottom albums in my top list.

The journey continues! I'll try another band soon, and give things another shot.


Random Game Musings

Back when they were brand new, I played all the way through the two "Metal Gear Acid" games on the PSP probably ten times each-- I had them both completely memorized. I ran across this yesterday, which follows the exact same gameplay formula. It's called "Hard Edge"-- I might give the game a look, even though the presentation looks a little cheap.

This video is a fun exploration of why the writing is so bad in video games-- why it has that "Marvel" thing going on, specifically. It's often said that modern games are designed by the accounting department, but it's even worse than that: the actual game developers are the accountants, so-to-speak. The part about the lead game designer on a major project, who quite literally can't imagine things in his brain, planning the title in a spreadsheet is very sad-- yet doesn't surprise me either. Total dearth of creativity. "Let's min-max profit ROI instead of making art."

Finally, I thought this was cool. I don't think it'll ever catch on, but it does paint a picture to me that though Steam is a DRM platform, the way it's designed is more robust and portable than the competitors. On that note, I've been playing my OLED Steam Deck quite a bit lately, it's fabulous. I waffle on whether I enjoy it or the Switch 2 more.

I thought this article was interesting. In my twenties and thirties, I studied the social "sciences" and economics very heavily. Here, we see the research of Richard Easterlin discussed. It has to do with the concept of "cohorts": small "cohorts" result in a worker-starved job market, so wages rise rapidly, people get married younger, have more children, and so forth. This then creates a large cohort, which causes a tighter labor market, and the cycle repeats back the other way.

In the 1980s, America was due for another baby boom due to a small cohort-- so, this would have made Gen X'ers like me, and older Millennials, the parents of that boom. US immigration policy however turned the small cohort into a large one, and we are still feeling the ripple effects of that now-- or perhaps especially right now. I have a friend who took a year to land a job at McDonald's; another has applied to two hundred and forty warehouse jobs, and not landed anything yet.

Some of my very dearest friends are from other countries-- shout out to all of you, by the way, I hope things are going amazing! But all of you, my friends, did things the right way: you respected the fundamental dignity of the people, God's beautiful sons and daughters, who already lived in the destination country by submitting paperwork and going through the proper channels. If I were moving to your country, out of love for you I would do the same in reverse.

For people who are legitimate refugees, Jesus's heart pours out for you. Never hesitate to reach out to me and others for prayer requests, or whatever help you need.

But also please follow international law: God put us on Earth to create order, and international law is very clear that refugees must carefully make their way to the very nearest safe country. In this way we can happily and joyfully welcome you into host nations in an even, sustainable way; this in contrast to large caravans passing through myriad safe nations to overflow a single host nation-- or even worse, dangerous dinghy rides, in direct violation of said law, when a safe country was nearer.

If you are in the United States illegally, please do cooperate with customs officials, though it may create hardship. Americans have big hearts, but taking illegal actions is going to harden the hearts of the general public, and create tension plus division. To customs officials, although you have an often thankless and dangerous job, never forget that the people you are apprehending are beloved children of God. Be firm but also compassionate; do your job with the right intentions in your hearts.

To politicians who are deliberately facilitating floods of false refugees simply to dilute the native populations' voting bloc and so consolidate your own power and wealth out of ego and greed, you must cease these activities at once. This is my constructive appeal to unity-- that we all work together as one big global team, subjected to God's will, to bring about the Father's kingdom here.


Formulation

Many of you know I was away from the Faith for over twenty years. During that time I called myself an atheist, and an anarcho-capitalist. Primarily, what brought me back to the Lord was a series of things people said to me in passing, but which planted seeds. Over time, God grew those seeds within me until they reached a critical mass, which I could no longer ignore.

God worked through me in the only way He knew would work for me. Here are some of those formulations. I can dive into these in greater detail in future posts, but for now perhaps they can be a prompting for further research from anyone who may read this:

• We can't know God exists; how? Die and come back? Even Saint Faustina who would literally see Baby Jesus on the altar during the Eucharist had doubts, her entire life. Faith isn't knowing God exists: rather, it's an Occam's Razor game. If you tell yourself you don't "believe" because knowing is your bar for belief, then you will never "believe".


• "Religion is just a coping mechanism for society." Maybe for some. But even if that were true, it's a non-sequitur which does nothing to explore the truth of Christian claims.


• The stakes are too high to simply coast by and not give serious thought to the question of God. What if the Christians are right? For people in this phase, my advice: every day for thirty seconds, get down on your knees and ask God to reveal Himself to you in some way that you will believe. You might feel silly, but I don't care that you don't think He exists: just do it anyway. What will it harm? It costs thirty seconds and four calories.


• You already believe in Dark Matter and subatomic particles. You already make a zillion assumptions about things you can't prove. Again, Occam's Razor.


• Evolution conflates two different things: yes giraffes with longer necks reproduce more, but the math doesn't work for a fish to have become a cat by random mutation. It would be like wind blowing rocks into a perfectly-drawn and shaded Mickey Mouse face on the beach. It could have happened by chance, but it's much more likely that something designed our reality and everything in it. Everything in our universe looks like it was painstakingly engineered-- because it probably was.


• Where did a tree come from? A seed. Where did the seed come from? A tree. Where did that tree come from? A seed. Where did that seed come from? A tree. Where did the first tree come from? It's an infinite recursion problem. Where did the Big Bang come from? Another Big Bang? Where did that one come from? You run out of origins. Almost certainly something was a "first mover" with no point of origin.


• Why the Christian God? Jesus was a real historical figure. Historicity validates the events and places in Scripture. Jesus performed a gazillion miracles. How? Via what means? Again, Occam's Razor: could have been magic? Or fairy farts? But given the preponderance of evidence from so many facets all at once, it's reasonable to assume that Jesus's powers came in the way He said they did. Like, he literally told us.


• So why the Catholic church? Apostolic succession. You can't delegate a right you don't have-- but you can delegate a right you do have. Jesus delegated His authority to Peter, then on down the line to Pope Leo. Tongues of fire came on the Apostles, they laid hands on others, passing the Holy Spirit torch all the way to our present-day Bishops.

Hopefully these things can stimulate thought for those of you struggling with your Faith, so you don't need to take the same circuitous multi-decade route I did!

All four of us got back yesterday evening from the Rochester Steubenville conference, wow was that fun! It was very similar to the phenomenal NCYC: lots of great music, Mass in a stadium-style environment, Adoration, Confessions, and so on. Thanks Cassie for taking this picture of us!



I have been praying for a long time now for Henrietta to be able to make more friends in our geographic area. In the answer to those prayers, one of the girls on our trip essentially embedded into our family, I felt like I had another daughter for the weekend. What a blessing!

One of the coolest parts was the way the conference ended: in front of the thousands of us, amidst the colorful bright lighting and high-decibel worship music and all of the excitement, one group at a time they invited those who wanted to be baptized but who hadn't been already, to come up to the stage; then those discerning to be Religious Sisters; then finally, those discerning to the Seminary.

One of "my guys" from when I chaperoned at NCYC last Fall, and who was also on this trip, bravely went down to make public his discernment to the Priesthood. We were all so proud of him, it was very moving. We also had another, younger member of our group who had not been baptized, and he also went down during that section.

I encourage anyone and everyone to go on these trips. For anyone young reading this, you will be transformed, the more you expose yourself to these experiences, if not immediately on the very first one. And for you adults, do volunteer to go as chaperones! You can model for the kids what it means to surrender to the Holy Spirit, and you yourself will also be transformed by God's grace in the process.

Anyhow, I'm off to a business-related meeting in town imminently, God bless you all.

I really enjoyed this episode of "Pints With Aquinas". It's good for Catholics to express concerns and questions in honest conversations like this, especially where the participants are able to challenge each other, and not get defensive or angry. God gives us the ability to reason; it's far better to talk to one another and work things out that way, than put up walls to divide us.

This was a timely podcast for me specifically: I was very recently in a setting where I had well-intentioned concerns with regards to the way the Holy Mass was conducted, with regards to respect for the Eucharist. I am a huge supporter of the Catholic Charismatic Renewal, but I think we need to be careful about introducing those elements to the Mass itself.

If do go on to become ordained as a deacon one day, I would be happy to lead or help lead charismatic prayer events, under the supervision of my pastor-- but my personal view is that most of those elements should be in a context separate from the Liturgy.

I recently had dinner with a wonderful lady-- if you're reading this, hello and God bless!-- where we discussed the Tridentine Mass, and the growing role of officially-assigned "chaplains to the Latin Mass" in so many dioceses across the country. She asked me what I thought of it, and the Latin Mass in general.

Oftentimes my personality is tempted towards "this or that" thinking-- but as time passes my inclinations have shifted towards "this and why not that too?" This has opened my mind to exploring things I probably wouldn't have considered before.

I told her that, as both the Vetus Ordo and the Novus Ordo are canonically valid rites, why not make a "big tent" where we can? Our goal is to make saints out of everyone: if the Extraordinary Form brings some people closer to God, while a more contemporary Mass draws others still closer, why not support both of those options?

Another aspect is, there is wiggle room within the rubrics for just the Novus Ordo: I went to the Chrism Mass at the cathedral in St. Cloud two years ago, and they literally had trumpets blaring; incense filled the whole church; the opening procession took probably twenty minutes, there were so many priests and deacons there.

That wasn't a Latin Mass-- it was a Novus Ordo! Meanwhile, in my Area Catholic Community, we are very reverant towards the Eucharist and use chants-- but we also mix in some more contemporary music, with a pleasant mix of piano and acoustic guitar.

I remember Dave VanVickle once joking, "At Exorcism-educational events half of the people are charismatics while the other half are 'tradcons', and it's funny watching the two groups nervously backing into each other." His point being, we have far more in common than we have in difference.

Finally, they discussed Pope Francis in the podcast at some length. I remember the first time I heard him say something that seemed to be perhaps not quite fully aligned with official Church teachings-- but then I did some research, and learned that what the Pope says is only doctrinally binding under very specific circumstances. I may not be using the exact correct terms here, but it's close enough to get the sentiment across I think.

Put another way, the Pope is human just like us, so we shouldn't overreact. That probably goes for my Liturgical concerns as well: we should never forget that the Holy Spirit is orchestrating and guiding all of this.

Looking forward to my chiropractor appointment tomorrow-- I missed last week's, and this many days without an adjustment really starts to take its toll. I've also had a pretty nasty headache three days running, wouldn't surprise me if it were related to my neck and my scoliosis.

I also got my first pair of bifocals a couple of days ago. They are the graduated kind, and I have mixed feelings. On the one hand it sure is nice to be able to lector from the ambo without taking my glasses off! But on the flip-side, I feel like I'm constantly having to adjust my head upwards and downwards to get things clear, no matter what I'm looking at.

I got almost two and a half hours of REM sleep last night, which is an all-time record in the years I've owned my Apple Watch-- and still woke up exhausted. I think with the radical changes having taken place in my life over the past several weeks, my brain is requiring a lot of recovery time to process everything.

Been playing more "Grandia" on Saturn. As much as I loved my Sega Genesis growing up, and as much as that platform and its games basically formed my taste in not just games but aesthetics for my whole life, I think the 32-bit hardware is my favorite. It's everything that gives the 16-bit consoles so much charm, but amped up to eleven.

Take "Grandia", the characters and enemies all have zillions of colors, and frames of animation drawn from each angle. What's more, everything is rapidly rotating and scaling around the screen. Just look at there the battle paused here, and admire that scaling and sprite detail:

"Never become so heavenly that you're of no Earthly good." I can't recall where I heard that. It was very recent, but I forgot the context.

About twice a year I remember one of my dreams. Last night was one such occasion. I was standing in a garden in the black of night, looking through the open door of a church. The interior was that of my home church. It was dark inside, other than the two altar candles and the sanctuary lamp.

Suddenly, I saw a thurible floating through the air on its own, leaning back on its chain, fully-extended. I watched in shocked disbelief.

It floated up the main aisle, then censed the altar several times. After that, it levitated upwards then began violently striking the sanctuary lamp, causing the latter to swing backwards sharply and repeatedly, illuminating the sanctuary in a wild manner.

At that I snapped awake.

Just want to drop a super short post for now to say "hi" to everyone! I've been in back-to-back retreats these past two weekends-- they've been such incredible experiences that my gratitude to the Lord and to all of you is beyond words. God bless each and every one of you!

For those of you who have not gone to a TEC retreat, I can't recommend it enough. It was an astonishing experience!

I've been writing a lot of correspondence this morning, and am going to spend the rest of the day playing Forza Horizon 6 on PC, Grandia on Saturn, and Metroid Prime 4 for Switch 2, which I ordered at a huge discount during Amazon's recent sales.

One thing I've increasingly noticed is that God wants unity, while the Evil One wants division. Love is both a reciprocal act-- meaning, it requires at least two persons to exist-- and a unifying act, in that it draws and ties the persons involved into communion with one another.

God models both of these things for us.

The reciprocation part is easier to explain, so let's start there. He is three persons so that love could exist even "before time began", so-to-speak. He also created us so that He would not only have this additional way of expressing His love, but so that His creation-- us!-- can love Him back.

How does He model unity then?

While God is three discrete persons, the three persons of God share the same nature, or essence. All three persons are perfectly omniscient and whole: none of the three has something the others don't have, because that would imply that something is lacking in the others.

In other words, God models perfect communion-- a communion born via the exchange of love.

Being imperfect, we can't model God exactly in this regard. It is impossible for us, due to our fallen natures, to share natures: as humans, each of our essences has a one-to-one relationship with our person.

But God doesn't expect of us perfection! That's why He's infinitely merciful and just. He loved us so much that He sent his Son not just to die for our sins, but also to model for us, in the flesh, how to think, act, and behave.

So the three persons of God set for us a mode we should emulate, a way of being we should emulate to the maximum extent to which it is possible given our humanity.


Communion in Society

God gave us a most incredible gift in Free Will. Love, and the communion which is a manifestation and consequence of that love, is a voluntary act.

Purely voluntary political ideologies and economic systems which tend towards common purpose and shared sacrifice are the ones which will enable us to most closely emulate God. Conversely, those realities which lean into atomization will take us and our society further from God.

The very operating principle of Karl Marx was class conflict: dividing everyone into two competing camps. "Woke intersectionality" takes Marx's model and pumps it up with steroids, formulating dozens of groups, and pitting them all against each other in a perpetual power struggle.

These models have nothing to offer us, other than hatred, intolerance, and never-ending infighting, in a Godless culture.

It must also be said that voluntary societies, such as those based on free market principles, can run aground if not rooted in the humility and sacrifice Jesus exemplified for us in the Paschal Mystery.

While the Lord sanctifies our labor and wants us to put our best selves forward to glorify Him, "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" can and often does tempt people to ego and lack of humility: to put everything on their shoulders-- rejecting communion with both others, and most of all with God.


Communion as Church

"Catholic" is derived from the Greek word "katholikos", which means "universal". It is not a coincidence that Duncan and I chose that very term as the first word for the name of this blog.

God created His church on Earth so that we may all be members of the Body of Christ, each performing distinct and equally important functions based on the charisms He has bestowed on every one one of us.

God also created family, right from the beginning: from Adam God created Eve; God bestowed on His creation the ability to pro-create; and from this ability-- an act of communion in and of itself-- Adam and Eve brought Abel, Cain, and Seth into the world.

Father, mother, and children.

Like our own families, Adam and Eve's had brokenness and sin: the side effect of their decision to go against the will of the Father. But God made good from it: through the genealogy came descendants leading all the way to Noah. Ultimately, through God's continued acts of providence came our entire story of salvation through Jesus.

It's no coincidence that the same forces promoting "intersectionality" very often encourage us to disassociate from our families, and to practice a disposition of zero-tolerance for those who disagree-- as opposed to dispositions of understanding and reconciliation. It's also no coincidence that Satan's favorite tools of depression and rumination serve to turn us inward and so to atomize ourselves.

God wants His church to be the organizing principle of love and communion on Earth. And He wants husbands and wives to be fruitful and multiply. God gave us a small slice of His power: the ability to create new life. We should treat this special, most sacred gift with great respect.


Communion and Joy

Communion brings with it great joy. We have all felt this with our brothers and sisters at our churches, or when spending time together with much-loved family and friends.

The opposite is true when we feel isolated, or that this communion has somehow eluded us. We feel despair, despondency, even depression, or worse. In those moments it is helpful to reflect on core truths:

• God quite literally never leaves us: even in the most dire of circumstances imaginable-- people conscripted into hard camp labor, for example-- He and His light are always there, beside us and within is.


• Things of this world are axiomatically ephemeral: only God is eternal. So as people come and go in our lives here on Earth, take solace in the fact that the creator of the universe is within you, and always-- always, unceasingly even!-- wants you to talk to Him; to share all of your troubles, your joys with Him.


• If we are acting in accordance with the Lord's will, then He will take care of us and our needs! You must truly believe that, and never forget it! Repeat it like a mantra in your head. Pray: "God, please provide for me." Then when He does, give him praise: "God, thank you for having provided for me." Use this virtuous cycle to increase even further your own obedience to His will.


• When feeling isolated, not only cling to God for that much-needed hug, but recognize and praise God that He has granted the isolating party Free Will. Although they are causing you distress now, pray for them to feel that unity with God which you feel. We can get "out of our heads" by focusing on the needs of others, even-- or especially-- those who have caused us discomfort.


• Hold up your loneliness as an offering to God. This can and should be done in private prayer, naturally! But it especially can be done during the summit which is the Holy Mass, during the Collect-- early in the Mass, when the priest says "Let us pray", we are invited to offer up our intentions. Not only that, but during the Eucharistic Prayer we are called to put on the altar our joys, sorrows, and whatever else is in our hearts, as a sacrifice.


• Enumerate those with whom you do feel communion, starting with our Lord and Savior. Perhaps in writing them down, you will realize just how large that list is! Work to make those bonds even stronger; offer prayers together with them, on behalf of those who are causing you and others to feel estranged.


• Estrangement is like a bastard sword; dual-edged: it harms the other party as much as it does you. Or perhaps it harms them even more, since by engaging in estrangement, there is a likely possibility that they have interior "blocks" preventing them from fully receiving God's grace. This is a sad state, for which we should offer our prayers and support.


• Continually remind yourself that God works for good in all things. We can't fathom God's providence since we are not God. But if we set ourselves in a disposition of gratitude, we will see the Holy Spirit moving in everyone around us, at all times. God grants all prayers offered with intentions aligned to His will. As we know He wants communion, our prayers can efficaciously invite and lead the estanging parties back into the fold, in whatever mysterious ways or timelines the Lord knows will be best for them, and for us.

May the peace of Christ be with you always!

The diaconate retreat this past weekend was incredible! It took place at an abbey built by Benedictine monks back in the 1950's. You can see a full video tour here so I didn't bother taking pictures of things they do much better on their website.

But nonetheless, here was my room! Click on any of the pictures in this post for full-sized originals:



The whole place still had a lot of original, or very old, fixtures and things which I loved. Even the little fan in my room was clearly from the 1970s based on its style. The showers were communal, and had this very old looking pale green floor tile. Each stall had two shower curtains, so you could get undressed without anyone seeing you.

The first morning, I struggled to get warm water out of the shower head. I looked at the brand, and it was literally the original fixture from the 1950s. It said: Hydapipe "64". And yes, the "64" was in quotes, haha, boy did I get a good laugh out of that. Was it an N64 game, or a Phantasy Star reference, or both? And why was it "hyding" the warm water from me?

Lining the hallway were some amazing paintings. The first one below is, subjectively, probably the coolest painting I've ever seen-- but the others are neat as well:







A video game like Streets of Rage 2 transcends the medium, because while it has amazing art, music, and gameplay, put together it's also making an expression which is even greater than the sum of its parts. That's what I think about those paintings above. They aren't just well done, like "Gee that's a really nice mountain you've got there"; while that's undoubtedly true, the works as wholes go way beyond that.

The third and final shot below shows outdoor Stations of the Cross via these trails they cut through a nearby copse of trees. One of a million significant moments of this retreat for me came from the deacon who led us through this path: he put so much emotion into the prayers that at the thirteenth station, when Mary holds Jesus's body in her arms, he was completely moved to tears and had to frequently pause to collect himself.







Liturgy of the Hours provides such a nice cadence to communal life, now I understand why monastic communities use it: off on our own, waking up, but then gathering together as what felt like a brotherhood for morning prayer; then off on our own, but coming together again to pray and eat breakfast, or lunch; then off on our own, but all together again for evening prayer; and so forth.

From the minute we new guys walked in the door until the minute we left, all the other men had taken us under our wings. I had so many special interactions, so many beautiful conversations, I was telling Ellyn last night that I didn't even know where to start in explaining all of it.

But one I do want to mention here specifically for the people at my church who read this blog: I've received such an unbelievable amount of support, joy, and affirmation from all of you; God bless you all for that! Part of the reason for the excitement is because we are all one big family, and as family we celebrate each other's blessings.

An equally if not even larger aspect of the excitement though has nothing to do with me specifically: rather, it has to do with the legacy of who I suppose one could call my predecessor!

Our church hasn't had a "regular", "here every single weekend" permanent deacon in many years-- so people are hoping and praying that I can help bring that aspect back! We have had my wonderful deacon mentor, Tony, there to help bridge that gap which is a real blessing-- but like many deacons, he is very much divided between our multiple churchs. Mathematically, we simply need more deacons to go around.

But back to the story: there was a deacon at this retreat who looked so familiar-- I kept looking at him, and I felt like I'd seen him a hundred times before; I was right on the cusp, but couldn't quite grasp how I knew him. Finally, on the second day of the retreat, it dawned on me. In excitement, I sent an SMS message to my good friend Dennis, who knows just about everything about the history of our church:

"Dennis, what was the name of the last permanent deacon we had?" Within minutes Dennis replied, with pictures. And then I remembered: "the picture of Fr. Mark's first Mass, in the basement." The deacon was in that photograph.

This particular man had to partially retire early due to the onset of a significant health disability, so I wasn't sure when I would see him next at the retreat. I prayed to the Lord: "Please let me come into contact with him, I want to talk to him." I left my room, went down the stairs-- and within seconds there he was, right on cue; Deacon Stan.

I immediately followed him into the church for morning prayer, sat down next to him, and had a wonderful conversation with him. He affirmed to me how beautiful his time was there, how wonderful you all are, and that he misses you!

The 86 and I are leaving on a big road trip to South Dakota tomorrow for the annual, all-weekend diaconate retreat for my diocese! I've heard the place we're going is absolutely beautiful, and very relaxing. Great for prayer and reflection.

We're having Mass all three days, and people weren't really signing up for the ministries. So it looks like I'm lectoring both Saturday and Sunday. If that holds, Sunday will be the first time I will be a minister in a Mass presided by a bishop, which is kind of cool.

I also had a few video game screenshots sitting around just waiting to be shared. The first one is an astonishing example of what hardware ray-traced global illumination and reflections can get you: Forza Horizon 6 with everything maxed out on PC. The other two screenshots are from the Switch 2, in docked mode. Click on them for full versions.







I'll probably be staying away from technology during the weekend, but if I get a chance I'll take some pictures and share them when I get back. Otherwise, God bless!

So proud of Henrietta-- she is starting PSEO soon at the college here in town this Fall, with the intention of going into graphics design. For practice, I asked her if she could try to come up with a simple business card for Universal Zeal. With no formal training and no direction from me, she intuitively gathered the necessary requirements from me, went off, and came back with this:



I asked her how she even came up with this, and she said "Well, your logo is kind of futuristic looking, and I know that futuristic designs often incorporate sharp edges and angles." Wow!

Now, it took us a few iterations to tweak some of the details, but that's also part of what impressed me so much: she naturally, with no instruction, worked in an Agile sort of fashion-- "What do you think of this? Let me tweak it, ok, how about now?"

I steered her towards Figma as a next tool she should learn-- then I can ask her for, "Try to design a mobile-first website." If she can tackle that, and I have zero doubt she can, she could hop right in as part of working with clients right here at Universal Zeal!


Grief Support

I had the great privilege of meeting and having the opportunity to pray alongside some amazing people on Sunday evening, from whom I learned a lot. One of them was Deb Hadley. For those who don't know her, she is a national speaker who runs a foundation called KT Humble Hearts. They specialize in providing hope and healing to people experiencing even-- or perhaps especially-- the most profound grief. So if you are experiencing grief, now you know where to go!

Deb is one of those perfect examples of the principle I often articulate on this blog: God does not want us to suffer, and does not want tragedy-- but as those things are side effects of the pure gift of love He gave us in Free Will combined with the fallen nature of our world due to Original Sin (and so suffering and tragedy do exist), He at least always makes good from tragedies and suffering when they do occur.

Sometimes the effects are outside of our purview. Other times they are very visibly manifest. Deb's public speaking is an example of the latter. You can read all about her story on the website, or of course go listen to her talks!

Incidentally, Deb, along with the Father Dan you all read me writing about so often, is one of the instrumental components in setting up the new healing prayer ministry in my neck of the woods, and to which I feel so drawn. It will bear much fruit in our community!


God's Grace

While I try to always give praise to God, on some days I'm simply bowled over by the blessings-- there are so many I can't even enumerate them all! But here are just a few:

• Ellyn's growth; from so shy even 1-1 conversations were difficult, to exhibiting astonishing leadership and communication skills growth on a pretty much daily basis. How? By doing the will of the Father. And I'm watching Him bestow His grace on her pretty much in real-time.


• The incredible growth of my children, strong in Faith, their charisms really starting to shine.


• My new business partners, who are incredible. And all of the ways going on where the work is starting to take form; so many threads all coming together, to the point where even my dad seems to fit in this puzzle on the IT side, which is a real blessing.


• Speaking of my dad, I'm thankful for my parents' health, and the bond I have with both of them.


• The connections I'm making all over the place, like one big web of people leading everyone else to love God.


• The diaconate formation. I can't wait to get started.


• The future of my Area Catholic Community, which looks so bright.


• I have learned the true nature of suffering, and how to turn it upside down, all thanks to dispensations of God's grace.

My whole life, the good the bad and the ugly, God formed for this moment in time.


Tabletop Mode

The best mode of both the original Switch and its successor is the tabletop mode. It's the mode I've leveraged the least in terms of playtime, but it's the most useful when it's relevant since it can't be reproduced by any other platform. Click on the image for a full-sized version.



Now that I'm working at home again, it's so useful to have this little "TV" just sitting there-- when I need a ten minute break, I can very quickly just grab the joy-cons, play for a few minutes without even leaving my chair, then turn it off again.

Just wanted to point out that I have a couple of new Commodore 64 reviews up on the 'Wharf:

• Bomberland
• Jumpman

I also very hastily renamed my Google account's YouTube channel and uploaded a few things, just because I needed a place to host them:

• PSVR2 Fun
• Switch 2 Montage
• Forza Horizon 6 Goofiness

Leaving to serve at Mass in about twenty minutes. Then it will be some work-related things, followed by healing prayer ministry in town. Incidentally, if any of you wants to be prayed over for healing, or wants to pray over someone else, just go to chapel at "the big church in town" at 4:00pm-- you know the one!

A couple of days ago I thought of this passage from scripture, and decided to really sit down with it:



Many years ago, as my inline skating skills were finally starting to accumulate, I would be merrily cruising along without overthinking things. But then I would have a dawning moment of self-realization: I was actually skating! And in every single one of those instances, one of my wheels would locate the nearest rock, and down I would go.

I'm going through the same thing right now, with several aspects of my life. For the first time, I'm starting my own business; I'm attempting to overcome my self-consciousness and ego by learning to say spontaneous prayer over people; I'm about to begin college for the diaconate formation.

In the morning, I'll write a well-crafted email message to a business client; I'll write some code, and see that it works; or I'll serve at the altar; or I'll run a meeting with large groups of attendees. Or, I'll be praying over someone, and feel the Holy Spirit working through us.

I'll be doing all of these things, effortlessly via the grace of God. But then, that foul heart lurch! That tightness in the chest! That difficulty breathing! I suddenly become self-aware, and I get sucked into every anxiety.

"I'm running a meeting with twenty five people, I'm too shy for this! How am I going to support my family on my own? I'm going to trip and fall in front of all of these people! I don't know what to say to this hurting individual!" And there I go, beneath the waves. I'm not possibly talented enough, or skilled enough, or smart enough, or holy enough, to do any of these things!

I was recently being goofy with Duncan. I said "I don't believe it's actually you, I think it's a hologram." What I meant to say next was "Say something only we know." But what came out was, "Say something only I know." Being the logical kid Duncan is, he just smiled and said, "I think that's going to be difficult."

But this is what Peter does with Jesus!

Peter sees Jesus approaching on the water, and he believes so strongly in Jesus that he gives Jesus that very test: "If it's you Jesus, make me walk over to you." Because Peter knows, and truly believes, that only Jesus could make such a thing possible. If Peter thought a demon could do it too, then why would he have bothered issuing the challenge as proof of Jesus's identity in the first place?

So Peter believes that Jesus can make him walk on water. That's a great testament to Peter's faith. But then the same thing which happens to us, happens to Peter: that moment of self-awareness. Where we no longer feel God's protection. Like Adam and Eve, realizing they are naked.

In that fallen state in which we exist, in our Original Sin, we fear and doubt: "This good and fruitful thing which is happening, and happening effortlessly by God's grace-- it can't possibly be happening to me."

But after that moment when Peter begins to sink, a few absolutely critical things occur.

First and to his great credit, Peter calls out to Jesus to save him: "Lord, save me!" That's the first critical thing: that in our distress, we turn to God. The second critical thing: Jesus reaches out and takes Peter's hand. We must know that God will save us, if we ask for it. And the third critical thing: the wind ceased. When we let go and put our full faith in God, those fears and anxieties will go away.

That's the formula then: have faith, ask for Jesus's help, and know that we will receive peace.

But there is another aspect of this passage which bears careful consideration. Jesus sent the disciples on the boat, and stayed back to pray by Himself. As every facet of Jesus's behavior models for us how we should act, so too should we engage in peaceful solitary prayer.

That was sometime in the morning though, or afternoon. Jesus didn't walk out to them on the lake until the next morning! Think what a long time that is! And that whole duration, poor Peter and the disciples, being battered about on the lake! How many times may they have invoked Jesus's name during that time period? We can't know, but they probably did more than once!

The takeaway is that Jesus came to them on His time, not their time! We can't know why Jesus waited so long, who can know the will of God but God Himself? What we can see is Jesus's love for them as He gently and perhaps even playfully admonishes them after the fact, "You of little faith!" And this is how Jesus feels for all of us: pure, gentle love.

So in those sinking moments, when you become self-aware and feel unworthy of God's grace, or simply can't believe that He's made you strong enough to do what you're doing, remember that the Lord wants us to walk on the water. And He loves us the same, even when we do start to sink!

In those difficult times, just close your eyes, and know that Jesus is literally standing right there, with his hand extended.

Business stuff is going great! Learning more and more about the whole grant sphere every day. My brain has always been good at making connections between seemingly-unrelated things, and I'm finding that skill is useful in this new field. I'm really enjoying it!

The biggest blessing is all of the amazing people I'm meeting in the local community-- one organization in particular so far, plus my two business partners who are the best.

I've also been drawing up a full enterprise Azure-based architecture for delivering web sites, mobile apps, and chat bots, complete with security, performance, and effort level to implement each piece. I have a few business contacts I plan to reach out to over the next week or so.

But the most important thing is to pump the brakes a little: every single person around me is telling me, "you need to take a little time for rest". Sure enough, my sleep is healing little-by-little, and my passion for video games has really come soaring back. I took some time this morning to, for the first time in eons, update my games list:



And by the way, the above list doesn't even include the Commodore 64, which is a whole separate set of titles I want to play!

Today I plan to update the OLED Steam Deck-- can't believe that thing is a $1000 device now, brand new-- plus my PSVR2 headset and controllers. Then I'm driving Henrietta to work, and stopping at the 4H brat stand where Ellyn and Duncan will be working.

Slowing down is the hardest thing for me: I'm kind of a workaholic, going one hundred miles per hour for like thirty years now.

I need to chill out a little, give myself a little more leeway, and gradually ease back into things, making sure to budget my time so things are not just sustainable for me, but so I can continue to let God form me. Indulging in my hobbies, in moderation and balance, like what I describe above will help bring me closer to God by relaxing me.


Twin Cities Trip

I went down to the Twin Cities to visit my parents, and went to some awesome places with my dad! I'll let the pictures speak for themselves, click on any for full-size versions.

After Mass we went down for refreshments on a whim, and my dad and I made new connections with a group of regulars there. One guy is going to wind up being my "book buddy" I'm sure, we'll be making lots of recommendations back and forth I'm sure. My dad explained to them that I was entering the diaconate formation as well, so now there is a group at the seat of the arch diocese who are familiar with my name and face as well.

At a museum we went to, I randomly got talking to a Catholic lady, and here my deacon mentor is one of her family's oldest and closest friends-- he literally married her daughter, what were the odds of bumping into this person? Holy Spirit at play.





























Major "Horizon Zero Dawn" vibes from the outdoor areas we were at.

Also, that tractor-looking thing is actually a mobile steam-powered generator from the 1880s; you put coal and water in it, calibrate all of the no-fewer-than-fourteen-valves, then literally fire it up. It only crawls in terms of movement speed, but once you get it sitting where you want it, you wrap a belt around the giant upper wheel and use it to power something else.

Apparently the one in the museum is miniscule (and it was huge!)-- there are giant versions of these, still functional today!

Ellyn and I went to our church to pray last night. My mind was feeling very "staticky." My prayer was not fruitful; I could "hear" God talking to me, but couldn't make out the words. Too much interior noise after a very busy day.

In this condition, I started to walk around the place-- dark, and empty, other then Ellyn off in one corner praying the rosary. I often think better when I'm pacing. Maybe movement would help me pray better too? While meandering, I asked the Lord, "What is the key to getting out of our own minds?"

Of course, I already know the answer to this: to put the concerns of others ahead of our own. To the extent we do this, is the extent to which we "bust out".

But when we're tired, it can be difficult to fully absorb or comprehend that notion. Instead of allowing God to fill us in our emptiness, it's oftentimes easier to simply wallow in it, and to ruminate. Unfortunately, I was falling into that old habit, as I'm particularly susceptible to it.

"Lord, how can I reinforce the solution within myself?"

Feeling somewhat despondent, I slowly lapped the church and wound up back at the sanctuary, I looked up at the statue of Peter on the high altar. I stood there for a minute, hands in my pockets-- just looking. In one hand, Peter is holding a scroll-- the Word? In his other hand, the keys to heaven. Interesting. I kept walking.

Click on any of the images for the full-size originals, by the by:



My gaze then shifted to the crucifix. At the bottom is Earth. At the top is heaven. The vertical component of the cross connects the two. Heaven and Earth. And in the middle of that connection hangs Jesus-- suffering. He not just suffered-- he died.

"Why did he die..." I continued to muse. Ah, to unlock the path to heaven, from Earth of course. I know that answer already too! He purchased for us the opportunity for salvation: eternal union with the Father. What do you normally unlock things with? Of course-- keys. I smiled, amused, and kept walking.

Then Jesus ascended into heaven. Then what? Oh right, the Holy Spirit descended on the Apostles, during Pentecost. So God went down the cross as the Word became incarnate; then up the cross as Jesus ascended into heaven; then down the cross again in the form of the Holy Spirit.

Love requires two parties because axiomatically it's a two-way deal. Fr. Dan's homily last Sunday. And Jesus is in the middle of that bi-directional vertical road: the key to the Father communicating to us (by sending his only son to us), and us communicating with the Father ("the only way to the Father is through me").

But how does this connect to Peter? Well right on cue, here he comes again during my next lap of the church-- this time in stained glass form:



The keys, again. And this time not a scroll, but a book. Definitely the Word.

Oh, the Word! Jesus is the Word! That's right! And Jesus is also the key to unlock the path to heaven! The Word is the key. That's why Peter has both in his hands! And Jesus gave the keys to Peter, making Peter the rock of the church.

I made another slow lap, thankful that my church has all of these devotional items and imagery to help us understand God better.

I wound up in the front corner again. "What is this yellow flag over here? I've been coming here for years, but have never unfurled it before." Ellyn had wrapped up her prayer, so I asked her to unfold it for me. As she did so and the image began to be revealed, I laughed out loud. More keys.



Yes, this is the Holy See's flag. The Church. Jesus's bride. Built on the rock of Peter. The keys came from Jesus, who is the Word incarnate. Apostolic succession. It is only through the Word that we can access the Father. The Word is the key which unlocks the path to heaven.

By now amazed at God having answered my prayer for "the key" by showing me literal keys everywhere, Ellyn and I walked into the sacristy to shut the lights off.

I put my elbows on the counter, and took a deep breath. I offered up a little prayer of gratitude to the Lord. There was this little metal holder which caught my eye, with a gazillion different pamphlets haphazardly placed in it, this way and that. On a whim, I casually plucked a brochure randomly right out of the middle of the mishmash, and opened it up:



Oh sure, because why not, haha. More keys.

And what is the brochure about? The very darned thing I had asked God to reveal to me: the key to getting out of my head: overcoming fear. Specifically? Healing prayer ministry. One of the very spiritual concerns I aluded to in my previous post, with which I was wrestling.

What is it they say about coincidences again?

I've been wrestling with a couple of spiritual matters over the past few days. I could hardly sleep last night, I was in such a combination of both happy spiritual excitement and uncertainty, simultaneously.

Still in the midst of this, I finally decided to crack open the PDF of Pope Leo's encyclical, and right there on page six he had the exact two pieces of scripture I needed!

I realized that I'd been trying to build a Tower of Babel, so-to-speak, when what I should be doing is rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem, with everyone. In light of this, I wrote up my concerns and sent them to my Spiritual Director for advice.

One of the things I am struggling with is how, in the presence of other people, to let my guard down so I can enter into deep communion with the Holy Spirit, and with them. The irony is that I was trying to "go it alone" in my discernment regarding this matter!

Letting my guard down... it may be the greatest struggle in my continued human formation that I will face over the coming months and years. I've healed a lot over the past couple of years, but there are still old wounds keeping me from fully connecting in social situations.

I hope everything is going wonderfully for all of you. Know that you are in my prayers!

Fr. Dan gave a wonderful homily today about the Trinity: one of the things he explained is, axiomatically-- since it is the act of giving-- there must be more than one participant for love to exist. The Trinity illustrated this even "before" time existed: three persons sharing that love.

Pope Leo said today during the Angelus that the Holy Spirit "unites the Father and the Son, and has been poured into our hearts. The Church becomes... where heaven and Earth already touch." So it is through prayer and participation in the sacraments that we enter into communion with the Trinity, and through the giving of love to one another.

Incidentally, Fr. Dan also wore the perfect chasuble for today: it is white, with three maroon-colored upward arcs. As he stood at the altar during the Eucharistic epiclesis, the two side arcs bent to his shoulders and up to each of the two sets of three high altar candles on either side; while the middle line went straight up, to Jesus on the cross.

Communion via the Eucharist, uniting heaven and Earth, all to the Blessed Trinity.


All Things in Truth

If we see something good in someone, we should give them affirmations. But like all things, the affirmations must be spoken from the truth in one's own heart-- not for deceit or flattery. Like all of our actions, they should be provided through prayerful discernment.

I heard a quote from a fifty year jubilarian priest recently, but I don't know what it means. I feel like there is something profound here, but maybe someone else can explain it to me in a way I can understand? Otherwise I will continue to meditate on it. Regarding seminary formation: "They taught us to keep in mind the truth of our faith and the manner the truth is expressed and celebrated. For example, they taught us to think of a small child who receives a gift but plays with the ribbon instead."

A friend of mine provided the personal, written correspondance of her father, and used Copilot to generate a summary of his character as a man. It came so close to accurately describing him, that she felt moved.

The moment brought her closer to God, and increased her love for her dad. While I think this is a very novel use for AI, and it provided her with succor, there is also a risk that people could use it on themselves, then mistakenly treat the AI's feedback about their own tempermanent as some kind of false, digital, substitute "Illumination of Conscience."

Large Language Models only play with statistics and words: "What is the next most probable word to use." They are not a replacement for the human mind, they only produce derivative works by definition, and they are most certainly not a replacement for God or prayer.

Using these tools should fall into the same rubric as recreation, or other things of that nature: "Is this activity-- 'talking' to the AI model-- bringing me closer to, or taking me further from, God? Does it give me an increase in holiness, or is it tempting me to evil action or sin? Does it bring me peace, or distress?"


Diagnosis

A very close friend of mine shared today that she has been diagnosed with cancer. You can refer to her a "R", the Lord will know the intentions on our hearts and for whom they are intended. Please pray for her healing, both physical and emotional.