I'm super excited to announce that I have created a new company, named after this very blog: Universal Zeal LLC!

Initially, the company will have a two-fold purpose-- you could consider it "two departments" maybe: IT services, and grant writing. If anyone hears of individuals or businesses looking for things like software development, systems integration, or are seeking funding for some venture, please do have them reach out to me via the contact information via the "Home" menu item. I'm looking forward to meeting with them, and hearing about their needs!

One thing I have already learned is that it is just as important to budget our time as it is our money. I sat down to napkin-math plan the next several weeks, and realized I've been working 85 to 91 hour weeks for the past three months! From now on, I am also going to budget in family and recreation time, plus time for my hobbies.


AI Concerns

This article probably won't put anyone's fears at rest regarding AI. I wonder if someone were to instruct them to operate according to Jesus's teachings, what the outcome of the overall model would be? AI can be incredibly helpful, but could get out of hand if we give it too much power in society.

At work last week, I was walking with my friend Cassie over break. A woman was there preparing to take a picture of some children, who were getting a tour. I was thinking, "How can I circumnavigate them?" But Cassie went up to the woman: "Do you want to be in the picture? Let me take it for you"-- a suggestion visibly appreciated and accepted by the visitor. I observed this, and just sort of went "Ah!"

I'm not as crazy as the AI bots by any stretch, but I still have a lot to learn about how to recognize and act on the needs of others.

Father Dan gave a phenomenal homily this morning on that subject, using the metaphor of cooking: "If you're missing something, the food may turn out 'edible', but nothing beyond." We are supposed to be evangelizing, taking part in the sacraments, and engaging in catechesis. But if we don't catechize by modeling via example, we are not going to wind up with that special dish.


An Example Role Model

This woman, Michelle Duppong, is one role model illustrating the above. From the website:



This is the same message which I received from Curt-- something I wrote about in this post.

However, too much concern for others can turn us inward, sort of like a correllary to scrupulosity, where the evil one uses our own holiness against us. It's crucial we pray for others and minister to them, but also not be too single-minded obsessive and lose sight of what the Lord is telling us to do in each moment. Sometimes it can even become controlling, or ego-focused.

But based on the suffering I see in the world, the error is towards not enough concern versus too much-- and it's probably not even close.

Speaking of Cassie, Curt, and role models, there is a prayer ministry session I am going to need to miss tonight. I feel very bad about it, because I am called to do it-- but I have some work-related things I need to get done before tomorrow. I will start attending these sessions regularly though, starting with the one two weeks from today. I think it can bear much fruit.

I feel self conscious and lacking in confidence when praying over others when they are present-- but I verbally pray for them alone in my room at night! I think I can overcome this lack of confidence, with the Lord's help.

I'd forgotten my coat in the sacristy at church yesterday, so I stopped on the way home from work to retrieve it. I decided to pray while I was there. So I knelt at the step in front of the altar, and poured everything out to Jesus:

• Regarding this horrific ordeal: nothing of God would ever say such a terrible thing; only God knows His will; ergo, it's gibberish-- the mutterings of a crazy old man. Even if it was Satan himself, he does not know the will of the Father either. The whole thing is nonsense.


• I need to put my family first; money is but a small part of my vocation as husband and father.


• I am not getting in over my head by pursuing prayer ministry. There is training; and like all things for me, preparation will be key. My brain works on connections, so there is a possibility I have some kind of charism for it; be up front with those who would help prepare me, and take it slow.


• I didn't have my little notebook with me and so couldn't remember all of the people to whom I've promised intercessory prayer-- but the God did and does know that by fact of omniscience. I named everyone I could, and asked the Lord to also include those intentions on my heart which I could not recall in my mind at the time.

I felt very peaceful after that. I share this in part to encourage the rest of you to also visit your churches and chapels, and pray.

It's always fun talking to my pastor; very chaotic conversations. An example from today:

• "One of the young girls we have serving at the altar is very bright."
• "Very true. However, let it be said that lots of times girls do better in school because the boys are busier taking things apart."
• "My uncle had a screwdriver in his room as a kid, just so he could take apart and rebuild all of his Transformers."
• "But it's bad when you have one part missing at the end."
• "See, an engineer told me once that if you put it back together and it still works without the missing bolt, you've just made the design more efficient."
• "Palmer Luckey, the Occulus Rift creator, made a lot of money with the DoD by making Patriot missiles out of fewer, and standardized parts."
• "That's sort of like the United States in WWII, where they could retool the car factories to make planes and bombs."
• "Yes, it's like that one Hirohito quote. You know, their culture was really built around 'down to the last person', to do the fighting."
• "One of those honor-based cultures."
• "Indeed. The Romans tried to capitalize in such a fervor as well, by..."

And on and on, haha; from "we know a smart girl" to Roman political theory. I wish everyone knew my pastor: he's a great man, extraordinarily talented, and a phenomenal leader.

I think everyone should pray for our priests. They have such difficult jobs, are so overworked, and need to make so many tough decisions. You can never please everyone, and they-- and our bishops too-- often get the brunt of criticism, when they shouldn't.

We should always remind ourselves of our beliefs in Apostolic succession, that the Holy Spirit is directing our bishops, and so forth, and give our Church leaders a huge amount of grace.


Reading Group

We're doing a reading group for the diaconate formation on this book. The first couple of chapters were interesting enough-- but then the author got into the buildup to Vatican II, which is where the "permanent diaconate" as it became called, wound up contentiously getting re-established.

It was so gripping I could hardly put the book down!

Had I been around in the 1960s, I would have found the opposition arguments to be much more lucid and compelling-- perhaps ironic, considering I'm seeking ordination to the very order in question!

Their argument in a nutshell: "So we're going to throw the incredibly important notion of celibacy out the window as a prerequisite to ordination, so that we can have designated people... serving the poor, or something? Church members are already performing these functions; and if you want new offices in the church, why do they need to involve ordination?"

My impression based on all of the language is that the "pro" group wound up engaging in all sorts sophistry, just to get the measure passed. "But the Orthodox are doing it!" is the bandwagon fallacy; "Well what if we just do it in isolated places?" just takes a bad idea and makes it even more confusing; "Why not just kick the celibacy can down the road to individual bishops?" And so forth.

Here's the kicker though: with sixty-plus years of retrospective insight... the "pro" camp was right.

We have a permanent deacon in my local "Area Catholic Community", and not only does he in no way detract from our pastor, or water down the concept of ordination, but he's an amazing complementary aspect to our community, and to Father.

Have there been droves of men saying "I feel called to be a priest, but I'm going to take the 'easy way out' and become a deacon instead"? Of course not-- in fact, it's so "not a thing" that the argument feels preposterous in the modern age.

I couldn't imagine the Church without the permanent diaconate at this point: it would leave a void. I think if I do go on to become ordained, God willing, I will wear the collar in public, as a reminder to everyone of that special "minister of the theshold" role I occupy among them, in service to them.

I also give major props to the guy who wrote section 29 of Lumen Gentium: he must have spent hours on every single word choice to achieve such a level of perfection in melding together everyone's concerns in one big compromise, that doesn't actually feel like a compromise: it's the epitome of rationality.

This whole "permanent diaconate" debate was so contentious that it was more heated at Vatican II than the college of bishops question. And yet, look at what we wound up with! It's a great illustration of how the Holy Spirit really does guide the Church, even when no one in the moment can clearly see what the right answer is.

Yesterday, my mom told me an astonishing story. I'm going to make up a fake last name to describe myself within it, but the rest of it is verbatim what was said.

At one of my school's "Fall Festivals" in the 1980s, a very elderly man walked up to my mom. She said he wasn't particularly tall; had a round face; was a bit overweight; had a full beard, but shaved very short; and had short gray hair. He said, "Are you Mike Johnson's mom?" Perplexed, she answered, "Yes, I am. Do you know Michael?" He chuckled and smirked, "Well, he killed himself. Or, he will." Then he turned and walked away.

My mom kept this a secret for decades, too afraid to tell anyone. But with my mental health issues lately, she felt compelled to share this with me. And I'm glad she did, because it increases my awareness of the spiritual risks in the path I walk, with regards to the diaconate.

My friend Dan, who is also entering the diaconate formation with me, warned us aspirants as a group: "There is a significant chance we and our loved ones are going to be under enormous spiritual attack as a result of what we're doing. We need to stick together, share with each other, and pray for each other constantly."

I think this old man was either Satan, or under Satan's direct influence. Nothing of God would approach a young mother and tell her that her little boy was going to die from suicide. Furthermore, this could be directed at not just my mom to give her despair, but towards me to cast doubt on myself, for my future with God.

Of course, Satan can only operate because of the side effect of the pure love God has for us, in having given us free will-- he's a patsy. Read about the lives of the Saints-- a huge part of what forged them into states of such holiness was that Satan's temptation to sin turned them towards God, not away.

And then, when Satan does manage to cause evil in the world, God turns right around and creates good from the bad. Pray the rosary; pray the St. Michael prayer; do the sign of the cross; say truths out loud, like "God is the source of all light and truth", or "...and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus."

One more thing I want to say: sometimes people are afraid of sharing their spiritual journey with others, for fear of social ostracism. Here they are on this profound path, but never mention it to anyone-- so they half think it's just in their head! "Oh, I don't want to speak about this out loud, because someone might call me crazy-- they might call me a kook!"

If, oh I don't know, believing in the literal creator of the universe makes us "kooks", then that is a badge we should wear with the highest honor!

But sometimes, it's a serious inhibitor for people! "Ok, so I believe that Jesus rose from the dead-- but I'd better not say anything, I mean, what if people think I'm nuts? Or if I talk about it, they'll think I'm going too far? That I'm becoming 'too religious'?"

Then I come to find out, this person has this incredible personal testimony, and that they are on the path to holiness... in those moments, the onus falls on us, who do not have the inhibition, to just set the example by calling out the elephant in the room-- to give them permission to talk about it! It can be as simple as saying "God bless you", or telling them that you'll pray for them. It brings it all out into the open.

It's a way of saying to them, "Um, yeah, there's literally an elephant, standing right there by the couch." To which they'll think, "Oh thank God, there really is an elephant in the living room with us! Here I thought I was imagining it, or that you'd think I was crazy if I pointed it out!"

The key is knowing when someone is ready for this prompting. If we're too sudden and they're not ready, it might harden their hearts, at least in the short run. I think this is why it's so important to be trying to listen all of the time to what God is saying to us.

We don't know when He will call! Only He knows the moments! So if we miss that prompting phone call-- "Knock knock, this is the Holy Spirit-- you need to say something to that person over there"-- the moment will have passed. These are the two key pieces: listening to the Lord to discern His will, then acting on His will when He tells us to. Listening, and acting.

I have a pulsating headache today from a cumulative lack of sleep-- but I have many things about which I want to write, so I feel compelled to proceed anyhow. As the voice in "Altered Beast" on the Genesis would say, "Wise fwum yo gwave!"

Before I proceed, I also have a prayer request: a close friend of mine at church, Dennis, is continuing to have health complications. If you could pray, specifically to St. Raphael, for the healing of his body, it would be extraordinarily appreciated.


The Nature of Suffering

What's interesting about suffering is that I have managed to successfully invert my previous perception of it: rather than viewing it as a bad thing and lamenting its presence, I use it as a way to sharpen my focus on ministering to those around me. I only share this altered viewpoint not with the intent of bragging-- which would be silly anyhow, since it is God who gives such graces-- but as a personal testimony to others that it is in fact possible to achive such a state, though I thought it nearly impossible myself mere weeks ago.


Mass Reading

I lectored this morning at Mass, and it so happened that today's first reading was "the deacon passage / we don't have time to wait on tables", Acts 6: 1-7. That was fun timing given the immiment (this fall) beginning of my studies. We also elected the latest member to our Pastoral Council after Mass.


Carnal Sins

I asked God at Mass on Friday, why are carnal sins bad? He explained to me that our bodies are tabernacles for His most blessed heart-- especially right after we receive Jesus in the Eucharist. He then asked me, would I permit someone to enter the church, and profane the tabernacle in the sanctuary? Of course not, I would do anything in my power to stop that person's actions, right to tackling them to the ground if it were necessary in an extreme case (such as vandalism). Why then, God asked me, would I profane my own body, or someone else's?


Fallen Host

My friend Cassie and I encountered a fallen host in the Sacristy on Friday. Unsure how to proceed, since we did not know whether it had been consecrated, we very carefully placed it into a pyx for protection, until we could consult one of our priests.

At First Saturday Mass yesterday, I asked our pastor. He said that in such a case where the state of the host is unknown, and it's also not known whether it is safe to consume (perhaps it is very old), it should be placed in an ablution cup and dissolved in water, until the form of the accident-- the form of bread-- no longer remains. Then, it can be poured into a sacrarium, or directly into the Earth.

The basis for this idea is that the presence is no longer there once the host is sufficiently dissolved, because it is no longer mostly bread. So even if the host had been consecrated, through these steps we would be erring on the absolute side of safety.


Prayer Service

On Friday, I was prayed over by two great charismatics. One of them was my very dear friend, Cassie. Another was a man named Curt, who I had only just met. I asked them to pray for my ability to abandon myself completely to God.

Cassie had me repeat over and over "my mantra", so-to-speak. She had no way of knowing, other than via the Holy Spirit, how important this expression is and has been to my Faith: "Lord, I trust in you." I could feel the healing in my body, as I repeated after her. Curt implored me to let myself go completely.

After having prayed with them, Cassie and Curt both moved to different sections of the church. I felt an irresistable compulsion to approach Curt again.

I asked him how long he had known he was a charismatic. He said, "Hmmm, I guess I found out when I started speaking in tongues." I was astonished! Out of all of the people I've ever met, I've only ever encountered one other person who could speak in tongues (a young lady on the path to great holiness-- perhaps for another day). I expressed this amazement to him. He smiled and joked in humility: "Well, in the 1970s all of us were speaking in tongues."

Then he explained to me that, eventually, the church cracked down on charismatics. I asked him why this was. His reply: "Some of them [the charismatics] started to think that they were running the show." I remarked, "Ahh, ego!", to which he responded "Yes... ego can be the absolute worst." I affirmed: "Pretty much every dumb mistake I've ever made in my life was due to ego."

He nodded, then said something so profound that I felt like I was punched in the stomach. It was the piece of my personal spiritual formation puzzle, which I had been grasping for but couldn't find; after all, if you want to hide something, hide it in plain sight-- it had been right in front of me the entire time, but I hadn't noticed it.

Here is what he said:

"You know all of those anxities and worries you have inside of you? When you really start paying attention to the needs of everyone else around you, those other things don't really matter anymore."

I audibly gasped. It was like a cross between a gasp and a sob. The sound just involuntarily came out of me, from deep within my soul. A gasp, and a sob, all rolled into one.

What he said was something I already knew, on some level: I mean, I knew the Saints were always in service to others. But in that moment, hearing it from this man, right in that instant... I felt in my heart a door open-- like something I thought was true, but was fighting, or resisting: suddenly I truly believed it: unabashedly, one hundred percent, with zero doubt. I suddenly could "see it", and understand it, and wrap my mind around it. I could almost physically grasp it, and roll it around in my hands like a pebble.

It became somehow visible to me-- almost tangible. And I believed.

I turned to him, crying, and gave him-- this guy I'd only known for maybe ten minutes-- a huge bear hug, which he reciprocated. I told him, "The Holy Spirit just gave me what I needed." He took my hands, and was so happy for me.

I turned, practically stumbled out of the church, and drove home in tears, praising God the entire way. Fifty years from now, if God still has me on this Earth, I will remember Friday as one of the very most pivotal in the entirety of my formation.


Another Blessing Beside

One other anecdote from Friday. I was walking past the enormous baptismal font in the church's generous narthex. There was this guy, a little older than me, a little shorter, with short, curly brown hair. I immediately felt a sort of connection with this man, and I could tell it went the other way do. We waved at each other and smiled.

A little later, I went outside to drop something off at my car. There was a man smoking a cigarette. He turned to me, and it was him again-- the same man! We laughed and made a joke about it. Later in the evening, I went in the men's room, and who walked up to wash his hands, right next to me? The same guy! But now we were really laughing about it-- "How many times we going to cross paths?"

As I was with the two aforementioned charismatics, a man came up and sat in the chair to be prayed over. I looked up-- it was him again! The fourth time. But what he said next explained everything about the connection I felt towards him: "I'm Father Dan's dad, by the way."

Oh!

Father Dan is our parochial vicar, and is my spiritual director and confessor. He has been and is monumental to my formation-- a colossus in my life, and rarely has there been a wiser man. And this guy sitting in front of me is his dad. What a huge blessing to have been able to meet him.

Hi everyone! I have a friend who is in some very significant need of prayer. Of course, as the problems were shared with me in total confidence I can not say anything beyond this. But the Lord knows the intention in my heart and to whom it is directed, so your prayers will efficaciously build on my own. Thank you all in advance!

There is also a member of my church named "Anna" who is having health issues, and could use some prayers. As a helpful suggestion for both of these individuals and for others, St. Raphael has tremendous intercessory power where it specifically relates to healing. Asking for him to pray along with us will be helpful.

My life continues to be a real whirlwind-- but I have quadruple-downed on turning to the Lord these past few nights especially, and to say it's been fruitful is an understatement! I feel like the strongest spiritual hurricane couldn't knock me over-- or that an Earthquake couldn't even swallow me up. I say this as a reminder, to myself especially but to all of you as well, that God is strongest when we are weakest: like an empty glass, our own deficit creates a greater opportunity for God's grace to fill us.

Over these past few nights, God has presented a couple of helpful metaphors, along with corresponding imagery. I only have time to type one of them up right now, hopefully I can do the other one in the coming days.

I asked God if Autism and other conditions like it were bugs, or features-- are they results of our fallen natures, or gifts of the Holy Spirit? He put the image in my mind of a perfect sphere: perfectly round, down to the sub-atomic level and even beyond, to infinity-- incomparably and perfectly polished and reflective too. This is God.

Then he showed me the picture of what I can best describe as a disco ball, but with ninety percent of the panels smashed and scuffed. This is us. Each panel is some attribute which we have. But the surfaces are not perfectly round-- not even close. They are flat panels, merely approximating a sphere when assembled.

To stick with the Autism example, people on the spectrum are often fantastic planners, great with details, and make connections which others miss. Also very often, they are super empaths, which is what leads to them feeling tired after social engagements.

God has all of our gifts, but perfectly and totally. Being absolutely complete, the positive aspects of the Autist are qualities which God also shares- ergo, overlooking or, to take it further, criticizing those qualities would also be criticizing God, which is nonsensical.

While it's true that the Autist suffers, so too do all humans in their own unique ways. This is because, unlike God, we are not complete. We are made in His likeness-- disco balls are roughly spherical, after all-- but our coarseness and obvious imperfections are what cause us grief. To not suffer would require us to be perfect. And no one is perfect except for God.

So just know that God loves you so, so much, as the misshapen disco ball you are. And always remember that He shares your best qualities-- qualities you should never discount, because in doing so you would be discounting Him too!

Friday: A healing ministry night at "the big church in town". Saturday: Serving at First Saturday Mass, and Adoration afterwards too. Sunday: Lectoring and leading the Pastoral Council election process. So many blessings that the Lord is leveraging all of our gifts in so many myriad ways!

It's been over a week since I've written here. Last week was extraordinarily difficult for me from a mental health perspective, thanks everyone for your prayers, and please continue to pray for me-- I will pray for you, too.

I've basically lost the ability to sleep, even on weekends: just a full-on collapse, where Ambien, Trazodone, Melatonin, and even Diphenhydramine all put together aren't effective. In close consultation with others-- especially God-- I am in the "what comes next in my life" phase of thinking. I don't have any details to share yet, but some components are in motion, and a plan is slowly starting to emerge.

My head has been so foggy for so many weeks in a row, it's difficult to think clearly or plan for the future. But in the meantime, I'm just doing my best to minister to others around me-- who are also suffering incidentally, and due in large part to the same direct causes-- while turning to the Lord in my weakness.

One good thing happened last week though: Lazio progressed to the finals of the Coppa Italia! It was nice to have a bright spot like that unexpectedly pop up in my life, especially with how dismal even football has been for me lately, between Lazio and Italy.

Hopefully I'm not jinxing him by saying this-- and totally different position of course-- but Edoardo Motta is the most exciting young player we've had since Mauro Zarate. I'd also say Motta is the most exciting young goalkeeper in Serie A since Donnarumma. Hopefully he can become a Lazio icon, and stay with us for many years.

This morning, I was invited to practice Lectio Divina with some other men in my community who are discerning to the diaconate. Due to lots of competing concerns-- many of them spiritual-- I haven't been devoting a lot of time to scripture itself lately; maybe this can be the catalyst to get me back to it?

One story I don't know whether I've shared is, when I started lectoring I used to get notifications on my watch that my resting pulse was shooting up to over 170, even though-- as my watch astutely noted-- I "did not appear to be exercising". Being nervous is one thing, but borderline having a heart attack did not seem healthy.

The same pattern happened when I started serving at the altar. I could barely think straight, my heart was going crazy. Why was I that anxious to be up there?

I ran this issue past my friend, Jim. He answered my question with a question: "Does God love you any less if you make a mistake?" I pondered for a moment... "Well, no. No, He doesn't." "Then why", Jim continued, "are you elevating the opinion of man, over that of God?"

I took it to prayer, and God revealed the bigger picture to me.

As a child, my sense of self-worth formed from being "the smartest kid in the school". When I got to high school and was in all of the honors classes, I quickly realized that at least half of the kids in there were smarter than I was! I was in a much, much larger pond, with all of the other "smartest kids in their own schools." This led to a crash in self-confidence. What the Lord showed me was, I had never gotten over it.

While I was up there, whether lectoring or serving, I was trying to be perfect to show off how cool I was, to wallpaper over what was actually intense insecurity. It was my subconscious trying to cover up for frail self-confidence through sheer gusto. But of course, no one is perfect! And yet, that was the bar I was trying to set for myself, hence the 170 pulse.

There is a long floor mat in the entryway of my home church. Whenever I was up there, I started to look at that floor mat: "That's me", I would remind myself. "I am the last of the last. I am here to serve. I am the lowest of the low: the humblest of the humble. I want everyone else to teach me, so that I can better serve them."

And that was it! My anxiety was gone!

Of course, I still get that healthy edge, where I am focused and want to do well. But in those situations, my entire orientation shifted away from me, and towards others. My newfound humility even made me a better listener, because rather than trying to show off "how smart I was", I was being a student and learning from everyone around me.


Other Musings

This morning, my dream "deacon mentor" said "yes"! Unbeknownst to me at the time, my discernment to the diaconate really started when I met him: we had a deacon at my church growing up, but he was hardly ever there, and I didn't know him. But my now-deacon mentor was present in Ellyn's RCIA classes, and it was through his example that I first became interested in the diaconate, at least at a sub-conscious level.

The Lord has now blessed me with the best spiritual director I could ever possibly imagine, in the form of my church's parochial vicar-- the best pastor I could imagine, to help guide and shape my formation-- and now the best mentor I could possibly imagine. The blessings all around are beyond my ability to even offer thanksgiving to God for: I feel deeply unworthy.

Also this morning, a couple of the men brought up this hermitage as a wonderful location to make a prayerful retreat, for self-reflection.

My friend Cassie borrowed me this book. I won't provided any spoilers, but it was extremely inspirational. Forgetting the key-most part of his story which I don't want to give away, another major take-away is that if he could get through seminary, given that he almost functionally lacked the ability to read going in, surely I can accomplish what it is God is asking me to do.

Changing subjects, I saw a thread on a forum recently, proclaiming this, that, and the other tune to be "the best video game song ever composed". I thought all of the suggestions, while decent enough, weren't even close to taking home that title. My vote for best video game composition of all time? Tim Follin's "Solstice" theme, on the NES.


Prayer for Surrender

"Lord, I thank You for another day of life. I surrender everything to You-- all that I have, all my talents. Take me and lead me and guide me where You want me to go, whom You want me to meet, and what You want me to say. I surrender everything to You. Use me as You see fitto give You the glory. Send Your Holy Spirit to fill me up and guide me. Amen."

-Father Mark Stang

For people who aren't particularly on the autism spectrum, there's a bucket-- "Bucket A"-- which gets filled up with obligations and tasks-- as the duties pile up, stress increases. As the tasks are completed, stress levels go back down again. It's maybe mildly more complex than that, but it's the basic operational picture.

If "Bucket A" becomes full, production ceases until the person can empty it to make room. If they persist anyway, the bucket will overflow and splash onto the sensitive electronics below, causing a short-circuit: i.e., burnout.

For people on the spectrum, these same rules apply-- except there is also a second bucket: the stimulus bucket, or "Bucket B". Every time an autistic person has to task switch, read the body language of a bunch of people at once, is in a noisy or busy setting, or myriad other things, "Bucket B" fills up.

The only way to empty "Bucket B" is for the autistic person to engage in uninterrupted special interests, be in a quiet place alone for awhile, stim, and so forth. For an autistic person, if "Bucket A" or "Bucket B" are full, production ceases. If "Bucket B" overflows, there's diassociation, insomnia, psychsomatic problems, and so on.

The key for an autistic person then is to be able to bail out "Bucket B" faster than it's filled. If this ratio is positive, life is sustainable. If it's negative, the person will eventually disintegrate.

In trying to be helpful, which I really do appreciate, people keep telling me to not commit to so many things-- "you're too busy". This is because they are only aware of "Bucket A": the only one they have, in most cases! Ergo, if I'm stressed, it must be because I have too many obligations.

The real issue for me over the past six months isn't that "Bucket A" is full: it's that my "Bucket B" is completely filled up by about the end of Tuesday, maybe Wednesday if I'm lucky-- and I can't bail it fast enough to keep it from dumping water all over my circuitry.

Emptying "Bucket A" of obligations doesn't resolve the bottleneck.

To further explain the dynamic, a lot of my church involvement lowers the water level in "Bucket B", even though it's nominally an increase in "Bucket A".

To be fair, it's not one hundred percent incorrect either to be wary of too many obligations: leading up to Holy Week, for example, I did not have enough time to engage in "Bucket B"-emptying activities, like reading books or playing video games. But that admission in hand, "too many obligations" is not the proximate cause of my issues.

The best approach to get me back on track would be a mix of slowing the rate of water flow into "Bucket B", in concert with increasing the rate of flow out of it.

I ran this model past my sister-in-law who is also on the spectrum, and she found the abstraction as a super helpful way to explain things to others-- so hopefully it can be of assistance to the rest of you, as well.

God bless!

It's been a while since I've posted here. The past three weeks have maybe been the most difficult of my entire life.

Between my daily job which has been the most stressful of my entire thirty year IT career, intense Holy Week coordination plus participation, and another time-consuming effort which I can't reveal, I've been working roughly twelve hour days, including weekends, and losing ground. I'm so deep into my years-long autistic burnout that I can barely sleep or function.

The good news is that the Pastoral Council election process, insofar as I am involved, is complete for the next few weeks; I've completed my essay and application to the school where I will be acquiring my master's degree for the diaconate formation; we're on the other side of Holy Week; and I have the Pastoral Council agenda all ready to go for this month.

My life looks like it will be freeing up a bit!

This Saturday, I am going to mute my watch, mute my phone, not check email, and just have sensory deprivation with zero interruptions or human contact. Maybe I'll hang a "gone fishing" sign on my door-- and lock it, for good measure. I just have to make it through one more day of work, where I am making a concerted effort to lean into my coworkers, who are some of the best I've ever worked with. You guys rock!

On Sunday, I am sacristan and lector for Mass, but have the rest of the day off and will probably mute everything then too. Like when I was a defender playing football as a kid, I hope to get the attack "in front of me", versus feeling like there are constantly runners in behind, so I can be a little bit recharged for Monday.

I read today that Oracle laid off thirty thousand employees. It is a dystopian world out there. There is a reason the Pope chose "Leo XIV". Always remember that I am praying for each and every one of you on my list.

I was reflecting this evening on, "What is God's personality? What is He like when He talks with me?" Here are my observations:

• He always refers to me as "child". Sometimes he'll prefix it with a positive adjective. If He's especially pleased with me, He'll say "Beloved Child". That's if I've been extra good. Other times if He's amused with me, he'll call me "Silly Child".


• In terms of personality, He's infinitely patient with me. No human being would put up with one thousandth of what I dish His way. If I'm angry with Him, or disappointed, I tell Him. I've ranted and raved at Him more times than I can remember. And He never, ever gets angry with me, or frustrated. Conversations with God are totally unique in that way: there's never any sense of loss of patience, or anger. He will, however, express disappointment with me: more on that in a later bullet.


• He's unfathomably kind. He always tells me He loves me. But my parents do that too-- God's kindess isn't like human kindness. With humans, no matter how virtuous they are, you can always sense the limits, or their insecurities (God bless them), or their own need to be fulfilled in some way. Theologically, we recognize God as complete: we can't add anything to Him. And in conversation with Him, that point really comes across: it's not like conversing with a human.


• Although He is everything I have described above, He is also quite firm with me, and lets me know when I've sinned, or done things wrong. He is, in fact, quite pointed with me: "I love you, but you must cease this (sinful) activity at once, and not do it again." Or, "We have spoken about this subject many times: you already know what you are to do, so why do you continue to disobey?"


• In His pointedness, He is simultaneously the world's greatest listener. He doesn't put up with my excuses on the one hand-- He is resolute-- but never in a way which makes his love feel conditional, or like He'll give up on me. Absolutely never! Even when he chastises me in the most assertive terms, there is such warmth beneath His words. It's firm and gentle, at the same time.


• The only times I can't "understand" Him are when my mind is noisy. I can hear Him, but it's like having an old TV on channel 2, with no input signal: it's static, and I can't quite make out the words. Prayer time like this is sad. In other words, He's always broadcasting, 24/7/365, but I'm not always listening, or if I am my mind may not be clear enough to interpret Him. But I can always sense His presence, if I pause and pay attention to it.


• Finally, he is absolutely, one hundred percent constant. Humans are moody and unpredictable! The same person may be joyful one day and act so, then the next are downtrodden and act in that way. With God, there is only one mood: He is always, without literally any variation, exactly the same. And this is the biggest reason why I know I'm not simply originating this voice in my head! I can feel the lowest of the low, or the highest of the high, and it doesn't matter: when God talks to me, it's always Him-- it's very clearly originating outside of myself, and my own mood or thoughts or emotions.

One of our newest lectors took on the huge responsibility of being "narrator" in the Passion Reading yesterday, at our Palm Sunday Mass. For those of you who go to my church and who read this blog, you already know that she did an incredible job!

But for many of us, myself very much included, we often feel uneasy, even when things go well: for me that manifests as, "I could have said just this one word a little better", or "I flipped a couple of words in that sentence by accident". Maybe some of you out there can find this relatable too.

So I wrote to her and another about this subject, and figured I would share my thoughts with the rest of you, maybe they can be helpful in some way. None of this is from me, by the way: these are all things priests, the writings of various Saints, and so forth have taught me:


Earlier tonight, I was struggling under the intense burden of everything I have on my plate: the responsibilities which feel overwhelming right now, regrets about the past, and hopes for the future. I had set my work bag on the edge of my mattress, and turned away. I heard it crash off the mattress behind me; something had fallen out of it, onto the floor.

I turned around, and right at my feet was a porcelain cross-- even oriented directly towards me, so I could read it. On it was a "Precious Moments" illustration of a child, with a teddy bear, kneeling in prayer. Beneath it was the text, "Jesus loves you."

On the back was a copyright: "1990". My mom probably found it and gave it to me last time I was there, or something along those lines-- but my goodness, I have zero recollection of having ever seen this object in my life, so I'm not altogether certain where it came from, or how it wound up in my work bag without me ever noticing it before.

But regardless, the incident and message felt like a small blessing from the Lord, in a moment when I needed to hear it.

This thread made me think of other articles I've read regarding the state of IT work in the world right now. Apparently the hiring process now works like this:

• Company posts AI-generated job listing.


• An army of unemployed software engineers-- like the hundreds of thousands who have gotten laid off by tech companies over the past two years-- auto-generate resumes via AI, to exactly match the job posting.


• Automated bot armies add to the pile by also spamming fake, generated resumes.


• Company instantly gets over a thousand AI-generated applications. It then ruthlessly uses-- you guessed it-- AI to sift through the AI-created resumes; ninety-nine percent of them get trashed automatically without a human ever seeing them.


• Rinse and repeat.

I've read that some software developers have been laid off for two years, which is also mentioned in the aforelinked thread. They will apply to roughly two thousand job postings, and get maybe two phone screenings, after which they get ghosted.

Apparently, people can't even land cashier jobs at McDonald's or Taco Bell anymore! They submit an application, call the store, and are told "we're not actually hiring", or "the manager is gone, call back in two weeks".

I got really lucky in my job hunt last fall, in that there was a local company hiring, and a human member of HR actually read my resume.

I wonder if "UBI" will ever be a thing? It's only a matter of time before there are robots which can even do physical jobs like HVAC work. What will it look like on Earth when there are four billion people out of work? Looking at the closest historical precedents, it's only a matter of time before people get violent-- and then what? I can't imagine billionaires ever "taxing" their own robots and doling out cash to the plebes, but who knows.

In other news, today I need to start my application to college for the diaconate. Very excited for this fall.

I'm also managing a subset of liturgical planning for Holy Week at my church; participating in multiple liturgies; running the Pastoral Council; running the annual election process for the Pastoral Council; working on estate planning for my family; maintaining my church's SharePoint site; and several other things I can't even recall at the moment. And that's not even mentioning my "nine-to-five" job!

I'm actually getting kind of loopy and goofy acting from the cumulative lack of sleep. After Holy Week, things should start to settle down for me, and I can sort of get my nervous system back on track a bit.

In the little downtime I have had, been plucking away at a "Cyberpunk 2077" playthrough on Switch 2. I'm enjoying the game even more than I did on my first playthrough a few years ago! Also regarding video games: how does a nine hundred dollar PS5 Pro sound to you? It's just a matter of time before the Switch 2 prices are raised as well, I'm sure.

Hi everyone! For those to whom I still owe return phone calls or other correspondence-- I apologize if I haven't gotten back to you yet. I have so many things on my list each night, that far be it from catching up, I'm rather in a mode of falling further behind: so each evening, I have to pluck the top two or three-- "what absolutely needs to happen tonight?"-- items, and leave the rest.

Looking ahead, I probably won't unbury myself this weekend or week, due to Holy Week planning and participation-- plus I have several obligations during Easter weekend itself. But the following weekend, things should clear up as I start to catch up on my backlog.

The diaconate orientation last Saturday went great! Ellyn and I were there all day. My friend, Dan, and I got to meet the other two men, and their wives. We learned a lot about Liturgy of the Hours, and what the education program will look like. Very much excited to take the next steps.

As I've mentioned previously, Saturday is orientation day for my initial diaconate-related classes. Super excited to get started this fall!

I've been having recurring nightmares about a stressful project at my new job. A couple of nights ago, I snapped awake from one of those, and was somehow laying on my face-- when I rolled over, I discovered my neck could barely support my head! I went into work that day but had a debilitating headache. My chiropractor tried to get the muscle to release, but no dice. Thankfully, the at-home exercises he taught me to do have been gradually improving the situation.

Last night I didn't fall asleep until 2:00-- when my alarm went off at 5:30, it was immediately obvious I had to call in sick to work. Yesterday, my nervous system was in emergency mode at work the entire day, and then I went straight from work to church, and didn't get home until 21:00. This in turn caused me to miss my hour of prayer time, hence I was rendered unable to sleep.

I suffer immensely during the work day, but then God fills me up again in the evenings, provided I don't have late-evening commitments and can keep to my routine. The good part is that I led the Stations of the Cross again, and felt very comfortable this time. Out of the three primary deacon functions-- Word, Sacrament, and Charity-- it's that middle one where I feel furthest along in formation.

The one where I feel furthest behind is the first-- Word: I need to devote much more time to scripture, but feel like I lack the time and energy to sufficiently do so, during the weekdays at least. As for the third-- Charity-- I feel like God's grace has been rapidly molding me over the past six months or so, thanks to my Spiritual Director, all of my great friends, and my church family.

What else? Been enjoying the Lazio season, in spite of itself. Hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel in terms of finally getting rid of Claudio Lotito. If I owned the club, I would immediately go to Maurizio Sarri and ask him, "How long do you want to stay?", and then write that number on a contract for him; second, I would ask "What players do you want? I want you driving the transfer market."

I don't know what to make of Fabiani. In some ways he seems like a "mini-Lotito", an arrogant loudmouth. But he's been very quiet through all of the back-and-forth, which very definitely leads me to believe that he's not some kind of Lotito acolyte.

What's more, I actually do like a lot of individual Fabiani-acquired components in this team, players like Rovella, Dele-Bashiru, Noslin, Isaksen, Taylor, Provstgaard, and so forth. Every time Nuno Tavares receives the ball, I get the same "what's going to happen" excited sensations I used to get with athletes like Randy Moss. And Motta looks like he has a huge ceiling in goal-- what a steal!

I love the youth movement, and wonder if-- should Lotito finally be driven out-- new ownership could keep Fabiani on, and have him work closely with Sarri? Really all we need are a couple of creative sparks in the side: there is an interesting skeleton of a team already present, and which has huge growth potential due to the low ages of many of the pieces.

When I have been playing video games, it's been "Grandia" on the Saturn-- what a game! One of my favorite JRPGs of all time, I think.

Many blessings. I'll leave you with La Lazio Mia!

My friend Cassie sent me yet another very helpful thing which I wanted to share! This is for all of those who suffer from disassociation:



I also would like to share an excerpt from a correspondence I sent to a friend today. I've redacted some of the personal details, just for the privacy of my friend:


Letter Excerpt

The funny part in all of this is that I know who God wants me to be, and how He wants me to orient myself. The reason for literally all of my anxieties is that I'm, once again, trying to control the outcomes. I continually need to remind myself: I'm not the one driving the car, He is! All I need to do is ask Him what He wants for me in each moment, then to do those things-- and He will take care of the rest!

I realize that anxiety is ultimately a selfish thing for me, because it turns me inward, versus outward in service to others. These thoughts don't come from God-- I think the Evil One is feeding these feelings within me, just for that purpose!

I read "Esther" very recently. Right before going to see the king, she prayed and prayed for eloquence. She then walked through the door, and what happened? She literally passed out! So much for eloquence! Total disaster! It's like that fear we have of being in front of others, like we'll trip and fall on our face-- for her, it actually happened!

But God took that moment to move the king's heart to compassion and concern for her well being-- and that movement is what changed the entire course of events!

I took from that the old adage that God doesn't necessarily give us what we ask for-- He gives us what we need. He provided for Esther and her people, even if it wasn't in the way she expected.

I remember ... saying to me once, "I'm going on about four hours of sleep per night. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted-- yet every day I am able to pour myself out for these kids. But pour out what? Where does it come from? Certainly not from me, I'm on empty-- it's from God! It's the only possible source."

I pray and hope I can continue to grow in Faith, so I can fully internalize what she told me, and put it into full practice.

I will pray for you and for your family as well! One interesting thing: every time someone has been very ill, I've fervently asked the Archangel Raphael to intercede for healing-- and every single time the person has made tremendous recovery! Your ... is the most recent example, there were others before. I'm not taking credit for having "healed your ..." or anything like that, everyone was praying for him!

But at the same time, I believe that St. Raphael has tremendous intercessory healing power, I'm seeing a definite pattern-- it certainly doesn't hurt to invoke him if someone else you know becomes ill in the future.

Many blessings.

My close friend, Cassie, gave me these three wonderful little booklets: in no particular order, "Litany of the Wounded Heart", "Litany of the Fearful Heart", and "Litany of the Closed Heart". I was going to take pictures of them, but it's easier to just transcribe the contents. I only had time to write up one tonight, so I picked "Fearful Heart", since that is what I struggle with the most-- but all three have very similar text.

If you get very emotional during the song "Be Not Afraid", as I do, the below may be of service to you. But it's a beautiful litany either way!

Also, just a quick update, since I know most of you get news about me from this site and I'm often terrible at individual correspondence: tomorrow I will be at the fish fry at my church from 4:30 to 7:00; thereafter, I will be leading the Stations of the Cross. Anyone who reads this and knows where to go, you are more than welcome to join us! It is $15 a plate for adults, for food. Meanwhile, next Saturday is my Diaconate Formation orientation-- I get to register for classes. I'm so excited!

Many blessings be upon you.


Litany of the Fearful Heart

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Lord Jesus, you created me in love and for love. Bring me to a place of vulnerability within the safety of your loving arms. Help me today by transforming my fearful heart into a heart that can love you, myself, and my neighbor as you intend.

Jesus, I offer you my heart, with all its sufferings.
Jesus, I offer you my heart, with all its doubts.
Jesus, I offer you my heart, with all its hurts.
Jesus, I offer you my heart, with all its fears.
Jesus, I offer you my heart, with all its burdens.
Jesus, I offer you my heart, with all its hope, and all its lack of hope.
Jesus, I offer you my heart, with all its joy, and all its lack of joy.
Jesus, I offer you my heart, with all its love, and all its lack of love.
Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me.

When I feel afraid, Lord have mercy.
When I don't know how to feel safe, Lord...
When life feels chaotic...
When I'm confused...
When I don't know how to trust...
When I feel hurt...
When I feel unloved...
When I feel disappointed...
When others fail me...
When I feel let down...
When I feel all alone...
When I feel rejected...
When I feel I don't belong...
When I feel hopeless...
When I'm afraid of being hurt...
Jesus, help me love others when it is difficult.
Jesus, help me pray for those who have hurt me.
Jesus, I know you love me, in all my wounds.

Jesus, most compassionate, open my heart.
Jesus, healer of my wounds, open...
Jesus, my shepherd.
Jesus, my protector.
Jesus, unspeakable love.

Jesus, you created me in love, hold me in your arms.
Jesus, you created me for love, hold me...
Jesus, you created me to be loved...
Jesus, you created my heart...
Jesus, you see my heart...
Jesus, you know my true heart...
Jesus, you comfort my heart...
Jesus, you treasure my heart...
Jesus, you encourage my heart...
Jesus, you created me as your beloved...

Jesus, you are present with me, I trust in you.
Jesus, you bring me close to you, I trust...
Jesus, you walk with me...
Jesus, you accept me...
Jesus, you calm all my fears...
Jesus, you protect me from threats...
Jesus, you delight in me...
Jesus, help me trust you...

Lord, you are the healer of my soul and my heart. I ask that through this prayer, you would transform me more and more into the likeness of your precious and sacred heart. Let your kindness and compassion transform my heart and bring me always into the security of your loving embrace. Amen.

I haven't felt this at peace in weeks!

I've been suffering a great deal lately with the incredible and extraordinary stressors in my job, ruminating over my family finances once the severance pay ends, plus been consumed with a number of other important tasks which have required immense attention and focus. But I am making progress through the list, and progress feel good!

I might even get in a little video game time today! I haven't played any video games in probably a week now-- just haven't had the time, or the energy.

Ellyn and I were talking the other night on a drive home-- what is Faith? The answer we came up with was, Faith is giving your whole self to the Lord-- everything. Giving your whole self entails two pieces: listening to Him for instruction as to his Divine Will in every moment (passive), and then doing His Divine Will in every moment (active).

A formula representation might be, "Faith = Receptivity + Acts". If you aren't receptive to God's instruction, you haven't given your whole self to Him. And if you don't do what he's telling you to do, then you also haven't given over your entire self.

I have a few assorted articles to share:

• This poll looked essentially the total opposite of how I would have responded, to the point where I had to triple-check the colors! Iran is a direct threat to the US "homeland"? It's 7,200 miles and a 13 hour flight away. Entering into a war does not require congressional approval? The American public was given evidence of an imminent threat? The truth, of course, is that Israel has wanted Iran wiped off the face of the map since at least the 1980s-- and their lobby finally got their way, largely due to Lindsay Graham.


• The results of this study were even more contrary. While it's true that married people having an affair is bad, it's worse than killing a baby? 30 percent said that homosexuality "is not a moral issue"? At least half of people recognize that viewing pornography is sinful. But we as Catholics have a lot of work and teaching ahead of us.


• On a note change, I was disappointed to see that this upcoming game may be canceled. Wouldn't you know it too-- it is quite literally the only modern game I have on my "future games purchases" shopping list, so disconnected am I from the direction of the medium at this juncture.

Finally, the choir at my church did this song last weekend during Communion. It's like something straight from a Castlevania game! It turns out that this composer-- Michael Joncas-- is from my own Diocese, and in fact my Pastor knows him and has cantored for him in the past.

Many blessings!

Here are the most prominent things I have going on in March, so people know where I am:

• March 3: Liturgy Committee meeting.
• March 4: Possibly lunch with Father Matt, to talk through Pastoral Council agenda.
• March 7: Sacristan, Server, Lector; First Saturday Mass, Adoration.
• March 8: Possibly post-Mass breakfast with my friend, Jorge, and his wife, to welcome them to the community.
• March 11: Reconciliation night at my church.
• March 13: Fish fry! I am picking up my friend Juan, driving him to my church; I will meet my other friend, John, there. After a time, I will return Juan to his home, then go back to church to lead Stations of the Cross at 7:00pm.
• March 14: More than likely, my orientation for Diaconate formation.
• March 15: Sacristan and Altar Server, with Duncan.
• March 16: Finance Council meeting.
• March 18: Lead Stations of the Cross for the youth of our church and their parents.
• March 22: Lector at Mass.
• March 24: Pastoral Council meeting.
• March 25: Meeting with my Spiritual Director.
• March 28: Stephen Dinner; helping each other with mutual discernment to the Diaconate.
• March 30: Duncan's thirteenth birthday!

One of my role models in my faith journey over the past few years has been an older, retired woman named Linda. She's a very kind, humble soul. She alternates every other weekend with my church and one of our sister churches, so that she can keep in touch with her friends in both locations.

She always sat in the row in front of me, and I always admired her praying the rosary before Mass. One day a couple of years ago, we got to talking and are now friends. A few weeks ago during Mass, I noticed that she was praying out of a little booklet. I asked her afterwards what it was, and she told me she had a handful of prayers she would say during the Mass.

The very next time I saw her, she slipped a folded piece of notebook paper into my hands-- she'd written them all down for me. What a gift! I've been so busy that I haven't had a chance to do anything with them-- but today I've transcribed them for all of your benefits too!

I think I am going to print out tiny versions of these, and glue them into the miniature notebook in which I write down all of the prayer requests which come to me. Then I can just bring the little notebook to Mass with me, in my pocket.


Before Mass, Suspice

"Receive Lord, my entire freedom. Accept the whole of my memory, my intellect, and my will. Whatever I have or possess, it was you who gave it to me; I restore it to you in full and I surrender it completely to the guidance of your will. Give me only love of you together with your grace, and I am rich enough and ask for nothing more. Amen."


Byzantine Communion Prayer

"I believe, Lord, and profess that you are indeed the Christ, the Son of the living God. And so I pray to you, have mercy on me and pardon my offenses, deliberate and indeliberate, remembered and long-forgotten. For I will not betray you as did Judas; but like the good thief, I acknowledge you. Lord, remember me in your kingdom. Lord, remember me in your kingdom. Amen."


Prayer for Poor Souls

"Eternal Father, I offer thee the most Precious Blood of thy Divine Son, Jesus, in union with all the Masses being said this day throughout the world for all the holy souls in purgatory. Amen."


Before Communion

"Oh! Yes, Lord Jesus, come and reign!
Let my body be your temple,
my heart your throne,
my will your devoted servant,
let me be yours forever,
living only in you and for you! Amen.

Most Holy Trinity, I adore thee!
My God, my God, I love thee in the most
Blessed Sacrament!"


Act of Desire

"Jesus, my God and my all, my soul longs for you. My heart yearns to receive you in Holy Communion. Come Bread of heaven and Food of angels; to nourish my soul and rejoice my heart. Come most lovable friend of my soul, to inflame me with such love that I may never again be separated from you. Amen."


On Way back to Seat

"Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, may the whole world burn with love of you."


After Communion, Act of Adoration

"With deepest humility, I adore you, my Lord and God; you have made my soul your dwelling place. I adore you as my creator from whose hands I come and with whom I long to be happy forever. Amen."


She told me that she also prays the "Anima Christi" and the "St. Michael the Archangel" prayer.

This gave me a bit of an ironic laugh: the Digital Foundry people-- both the actual hosts, and their fans-- have spent the past odd-year slagging off the "I'm just going to be honest even though everyone hates me for it" Threat Interactive dude, saying he's been "debunked", that he's "never shipped a game", and so forth.

So now, in February of 2026, to hear them saying the exact same stuff is pretty amusing. I think they owe him an apology. Maybe they should even bring him onboard?

Yes, his responses were not always as gracious as they could have been-- but he felt compelled to defend himself, which I totally understand. It's surreal to have seemingly the entire world attack you for having stated a totally obvious truth. I've been there multiple times in my own life, so I can commiserate.

My new nickname in the family is "Deacon Aspirin"-- I'm sure it has absolutely nothing to do with my dad jokes. My pastor shared a few insights with me today related to his (excellent) homily, and I'm sure he won't mind me passing them on:

• I asked him about the childlike innocence so many of the Saints always referred to. He steered me towards Matthew 10:16, and the phrase "wise as serpents and innocent as doves". This segues into the next point.


• During the actual homily, he said something to the effect that God doesn't want us to go back to the state in which Adam and Eve were, before the fall-- rather, He wants us to head into the state in which that original grace was intended to lead. I know words are important so I hope I'm not paraphrasing too much, but I think I'm getting the sentiment across.


• He explained that it wasn't a loss of innocence which caused Adam and Eve to notice their nakedness-- rather, it was due to the fact that they had distanced themselves from God, and no longer felt His protection. I could relate to this: haven't we all felt like that after sin, at some point (or perhaps many points) in our lives?

On a church-related note, I was asked today to pray for the younger brother of one of our parishioners, who is in seminary formation and who is having doubts or fears-- it was asked for this request to be passed on: please pray for him everyone!

Continuing my quasi-random brain dump, Father reminded us today not to say the "'A' word" during Lent, referring to "alleluia". I looked up the reason, and it's because the word is so associated with joyfulness that the liturgy itself is fasting in preparation for Easter!

I wonder if we're seeing the death of a medium playing out? While it's true that people have been prematurely writing epitaph's for various aspects of video gaming for a long time-- PCs, consoles, and so on-- what we're going through right now is unprecedented.

On all of my friend lists on every ecosystem-- Sony, Microsoft, Nintendo, Steam, etc.-- it's like a ghost town. And it's not just because my friends and family are aging either: I have numerous of my kids' friends on the lists from back when we used to all play Minecraft together-- they either hardly log on at all, or they just play the same two games over and over.

By contrast, I remember in the 2000s and even the early 2010s, when my lists were hopping: like during the 360 days, we went from Oblivion to Mass Effect to Gears of War to Lost Odyssey, from one big hit, cutting-edge game to another. Nowadays, there's... what exactly?

On top of that, no one can build PCs anymore: video cards are a fortune, RAM is a fortune, Western Digital says their hard drives are sold out through the entirety of 2026, the Steam Deck is sold out globally, I heard one CEO recently say that they expect PC components to basically be sold out "through the end of the decade"...

And then I saw an article the other day, that people are-- very sadly-- choosing porn, gambling, and crypto over video games these days. Then you look at the lack of creativity, technical, and aesthetic acumen on display in games over the past five-to-ten years, and it's no wonder everyone is losing interest.

On a partially-related note, I saw this, and was sad-- but not surprised-- to see that faith in God was only Americans' fifth-ranked concern, while in Germany and the UK it didn't even register in the top ten concerns. On the rare times I'm subjected to modern advertising, or modern films or TV shows, I feel like they come from another planet.

Instead, they say they value "family" and "health"-- which of course, are one hundred percent due to, and from God! If God ceased willing us to exist, the whole universe would blink out instantly! The ability to make money, having safety, and so forth-- those are all gifts from the Lord! It's only due to God's grace that we can quite literally do anything.

But back to video games, I have been enjoying buying and playing Saturn repros with what time I have had to indulge. The Saturn not being able to do "3D" is extremely overstated. The most recent repudiation of this commonly-held view is Grandia... the game is filled to the brim with complex scenes like these, which I think actually look much cleaner than anything on the PSX:

I don't have a lot of time to write, but I wanted to at least drop a note here: by God's grace, I have been accepted into the Diaconate formation program. I am now officially a Deacon Aspirant! I'm so excited to continue my ongoing formation and discernment, and to continue to serve not just those in my local church, and not just in my Area Catholic Community, but in the larger community beyond. I will try to write more this weekend. Thanks to all of you for your prayers, as always!

God and I wrote the prayer I referenced in this post-- here it is:



In addition to being a prayer it is also a poem, constructed in the French "Villanelle" style. It follows the "ACTS" prayer model; the first four tercets emphasize "Adoration", then "Contrition", then "Thanksgiving", and finally "Supplication", respectively. The fifth tercet focuses on the two-way relationship between us and the Lord, while the quatrain emphasizes unquestioning obedience to God's will.

I was just giving direction to Duncan on how to perform an examination of conscience, and thought I would share with others too:

Start by getting into a comfortable position, then close your eyes. Feel God's presence there, with you. Feel peace. Open your eyes, and read the Ten Commandments, stopping after each one for reflection.

Have I been putting things of this world in a more important place in my heart than God? Something doesn't have to be a pagan symbol or a statue of Zeus to be an idol; it could even be a celebrity, a car, a house, and so forth. Have I been treating the Lord's most holy name with respect? Continue through the list.

Next, do the same process, but this time with the Beatitudes. Have I been childlike, and uncomplicated, knowing that I need God's grace to accomplish even the smallest of tasks? Have you had a true spirit of humility and mercy towards others? And so forth.

After that, read through the seven Lively Virtues. Pause after each one, and reflect: let God reveal to you if you've been performing the duties of your station in life; if you've been arrogant or felt superior, versus putting yourself last; regarding sexual sin, it's easy to overlook the related virtue of Temperance, and the overall regulation of the sense appetite. And so on.

Next, ask yourself: have I been loving God with all of my heart? When are times when I did not do that? Recall that God requires two things of us in every moment; in which moments did I not operate according to this standard? Which is: to allow His grace to operate in me freely (passive), and to do His will in every moment (active).

Finally, close your eyes once again. Feel God's light shining on you. Think of the Divine Mercy image, and the rays of Jesus's heart melting you, making you amenable and malleable. Not hard, like pharaoh's heart, but soft, and supple.

Then ask yourself: is there any great shame I have, deep inside of me? It could be something which was done to me; or something I did to someone; or maybe simply a deep compulsion to a specific sin-- a horrible temptation? Whatever it is, bring that shame to God through the sacrament as well, and offer it up to Him.

Finally something good in Lazio's season-- on to the semi-finals of the Coppa Italia! I was happy that Noslin scored, I like him a lot as a player, and he seems like a really good person.

I told my spiritual director yesterday how a lot of Lazio players understand the very thing it took me forty-four years to figure out: that all we do is only possible because God grants us the grace to do so. I also articulated to him my metaphor: "Can you pour more orange juice into a full glass or an empty glass?" Right on cue then, in today's news, I saw this article, where Noslin himself quoted 2 Corinthians, 12:9:



It's not just Noslin understanding that he only can play football, and only scored in the match, because of God's grace-- but the passage he picked is my orange juice metaphor, or what I call "potential grace", a play on the concept of "potential energy." Such funny timing!

When I came to these realizations that night a few weeks ago, God instructed me to write all I've learned into a prayer. During the meeting yesterday, my spiritual director said "I would encourage you to write what you told me in prayer form." Before, I would have found this "coincidence" to be astonishing-- but the infinite power of the Holy Spirit does not surprise me anymore.

O Lord, how you so lovingly and graciously direct us all-- somethings overtly, other times subtly through others or through our environment, and yet other times through little "coincidences", which are such blessings. You are incredible indeed!

Back to the prayer: God told me He would help me write it. I'm incredibly busy over the next several days: lector on Sunday, Pastoral Council on Tuesday night, leading Stations plus participating in the liturgy on Ash Wednesday night, not to mention myriad other things. But Saturday I'm carving out as a day to start on the prayer, God willing, plus catch up on other correspondence and obligations in which I've fallen behind.

I just wanted to write a super quick blog post letting everyone know that my interview with the diaconate panel yesterday went pretty ok. They've probably already written their recommendation to the Bishop one way or the other-- but the Bishop is out of town for a couple of weeks, so I won't know the ultimate outcome for perhaps some time.

It's pointless to speculate. It's fully been in God's hands all along-- any control I've tried to exert over the process was and is purely illusory. But now, I have also ended my role of offering input into that process. Now, it is just time to wait.

The panel interview revealed the exact same shortcoming within me that I've been working so hard to eradicate. During the interview I fell into my "know-it-all, let's show off all of this knowledge I have" mode. I've always been prone to this, as was my grandfather, as was my dad when he was younger. It comes to the fore for me especially when I'm fatigued, which I most certainly was yesterday.

I was reading and praying tonight, and had this old-but-always-funny joke pop into my head: "Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this." Doctor: "Then don't move your arm like that."

God loves me beyond all of my ability to measure. Ergo, He wants what's best for me, and has given me a suitable nature. The nature which God has given me is that of a student-- I love to listen to and learn from others. Conversely, I can't stand how I feel when I've been a show-off.

"God, it hurts when I'm an arrogant show-off." God: "Then don't be an arrogant show-off. I don't want this for you either. Uh, remind me again what the problem is here?"

It's so simple! But I struggle with the simple things the most. I think this is because:

I once read something to the effect of, the more unfathomable God's mysteries, the more fruit which can be gained by them. This is because, the intellect, the senses, experience, can not offer anything regarding these mysteries-- therefore, they will do nothing but obscure whatever God is actually speaking through them.

This is why simple souls are often the most holy. What God wants for me is to become simple. "Blessed are the poor in spirit", as we heard last Sunday at Mass. The great interior battle I'm fighting is against my own mind. God, help me to become simple!

Thanks to all of you for your prayers-- oftentimes I feel like I don't deserve them, or feel worthy of all the kindness shown to me, and all of the blessings from our Father. But thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

I've been sleeping so well that it was a surprise to me that I didn't last night! In fact, I was quite unfaithful to God in those very early morning hours, where I never fell back to sleep after 1:30 or so. But in spite of my frustration, and what's so strange, is that while I was rested yesterday, I couldn't accomplish even a single thing-- while today I've felt God as my constant companion, and have gotten what feels like days' worth of church work finished. Who can fathom it?

Everyone is sick! Half of my workplace is ill, and I'm filling in as lector tomorrow morning for my friend, Amy-- who is, you guessed it, sick. Lots of illness going around right now!

I can't wait for Confession tomorrow. My Confessor presides every other weekend, and I always anticipate having the slate wiped clean. If only I wouldn't keep making the same stupid mistakes.

Duncan and I had lunch at the Pizza Ranch buffet today-- that place rocks. We also watched this week's "BFDI Season 6" episode. "Oh, seriously??"

The WRX has been dead on the property for the past couple of weeks-- it wouldn't start due to the unbelievably cold weather we've been having. So today I made use of the jump starter, pulled the WRX into the garage, and have the car's battery hooked up to the charger. We'll see if that helps, or if the battery is beyond salvation at this point: unlike us, car batteries are not called to eternal life!

Out of nowhere I got a hand-written letter from my old friend, Elsa. We go back many, many years. She has been blessed with another child! This weekend I'd like to pen her back. Both of us really like the "get an actual letter in the snail mail" thing-- it's very personal, and tactile.

Another friend of mine Jeff, my employer's chaplain, actually bought oil lamps for his home, for when he's praying or reading scripture. He's insistent that this form of lighting-- candles included-- actively added something to people's contemplative lives. I believe it. His son also works at the company, and is home schooled just like my kids are. I was picking his brain about Latin pronunciations the other day-- he's one smart cookie.

I was listening to a podcast from my friend, Cassie, where the priest being interviewed was deeply inspired by Joan of Arc. It made me think of Charlotte from "Samurai Shodown" on 3DO-- I should play that tonight.