One of our newest lectors took on the huge responsibility of being "narrator" in the Passion Reading yesterday, at our Palm Sunday Mass. For those of you who go to my church and who read this blog, you already know that she did an incredible job!

But for many of us, myself very much included, we often feel uneasy, even when things go well: for me that manifests as, "I could have said just this one word a little better", or "I flipped a couple of words in that sentence by accident". Maybe some of you out there can find this relatable too.

So I wrote to her and another about this subject, and figured I would share my thoughts with the rest of you, maybe they can be helpful in some way. None of this is from me, by the way: these are all things priests, the writings of various Saints, and so forth have taught me:


Earlier tonight, I was struggling under the intense burden of everything I have on my plate: the responsibilities which feel overwhelming right now, regrets about the past, and hopes for the future. I had set my work bag on the edge of my mattress, and turned away. I heard it crash off the mattress behind me; something had fallen out of it, onto the floor.

I turned around, and right at my feet was a porcelain cross-- even oriented directly towards me, so I could read it. On it was a "Precious Moments" illustration of a child, with a teddy bear, kneeling in prayer. Beneath it was the text, "Jesus loves you."

On the back was a copyright: "1990". My mom probably found it and gave it to me last time I was there, or something along those lines-- but my goodness, I have zero recollection of having ever seen this object in my life, so I'm not altogether certain where it came from, or how it wound up in my work bag without me ever noticing it before.

But regardless, the incident and message felt like a small blessing from the Lord, in a moment when I needed to hear it.

This thread made me think of other articles I've read regarding the state of IT work in the world right now. Apparently the hiring process now works like this:

• Company posts AI-generated job listing.


• An army of unemployed software engineers-- like the hundreds of thousands who have gotten laid off by tech companies over the past two years-- auto-generate resumes via AI, to exactly match the job posting.


• Automated bot armies add to the pile by also spamming fake, generated resumes.


• Company instantly gets over a thousand AI-generated applications. It then ruthlessly uses-- you guessed it-- AI to sift through the AI-created resumes; ninety-nine percent of them get trashed automatically without a human ever seeing them.


• Rinse and repeat.

I've read that some software developers have been laid off for two years, which is also mentioned in the aforelinked thread. They will apply to roughly two thousand job postings, and get maybe two phone screenings, after which they get ghosted.

Apparently, people can't even land cashier jobs at McDonald's or Taco Bell anymore! They submit an application, call the store, and are told "we're not actually hiring", or "the manager is gone, call back in two weeks".

I got really lucky in my job hunt last fall, in that there was a local company hiring, and a human member of HR actually read my resume.

I wonder if "UBI" will ever be a thing? It's only a matter of time before there are robots which can even do physical jobs like HVAC work. What will it look like on Earth when there are four billion people out of work? Looking at the closest historical precedents, it's only a matter of time before people get violent-- and then what? I can't imagine billionaires ever "taxing" their own robots and doling out cash to the plebes, but who knows.

In other news, today I need to start my application to college for the diaconate. Very excited for this fall.

I'm also managing a subset of liturgical planning for Holy Week at my church; participating in multiple liturgies; running the Pastoral Council; running the annual election process for the Pastoral Council; working on estate planning for my family; maintaining my church's SharePoint site; and several other things I can't even recall at the moment. And that's not even mentioning my "nine-to-five" job!

I'm actually getting kind of loopy and goofy acting from the cumulative lack of sleep. After Holy Week, things should start to settle down for me, and I can sort of get my nervous system back on track a bit.

In the little downtime I have had, been plucking away at a "Cyberpunk 2077" playthrough on Switch 2. I'm enjoying the game even more than I did on my first playthrough a few years ago! Also regarding video games: how does a nine hundred dollar PS5 Pro sound to you? It's just a matter of time before the Switch 2 prices are raised as well, I'm sure.

Hi everyone! For those to whom I still owe return phone calls or other correspondence-- I apologize if I haven't gotten back to you yet. I have so many things on my list each night, that far be it from catching up, I'm rather in a mode of falling further behind: so each evening, I have to pluck the top two or three-- "what absolutely needs to happen tonight?"-- items, and leave the rest.

Looking ahead, I probably won't unbury myself this weekend or week, due to Holy Week planning and participation-- plus I have several obligations during Easter weekend itself. But the following weekend, things should clear up as I start to catch up on my backlog.

The diaconate orientation last Saturday went great! Ellyn and I were there all day. My friend, Dan, and I got to meet the other two men, and their wives. We learned a lot about Liturgy of the Hours, and what the education program will look like. Very much excited to take the next steps.

As I've mentioned previously, Saturday is orientation day for my initial diaconate-related classes. Super excited to get started this fall!

I've been having recurring nightmares about a stressful project at my new job. A couple of nights ago, I snapped awake from one of those, and was somehow laying on my face-- when I rolled over, I discovered my neck could barely support my head! I went into work that day but had a debilitating headache. My chiropractor tried to get the muscle to release, but no dice. Thankfully, the at-home exercises he taught me to do have been gradually improving the situation.

Last night I didn't fall asleep until 2:00-- when my alarm went off at 5:30, it was immediately obvious I had to call in sick to work. Yesterday, my nervous system was in emergency mode at work the entire day, and then I went straight from work to church, and didn't get home until 21:00. This in turn caused me to miss my hour of prayer time, hence I was rendered unable to sleep.

I suffer immensely during the work day, but then God fills me up again in the evenings, provided I don't have late-evening commitments and can keep to my routine. The good part is that I led the Stations of the Cross again, and felt very comfortable this time. Out of the three primary deacon functions-- Word, Sacrament, and Charity-- it's that middle one where I feel furthest along in formation.

The one where I feel furthest behind is the first-- Word: I need to devote much more time to scripture, but feel like I lack the time and energy to sufficiently do so, during the weekdays at least. As for the third-- Charity-- I feel like God's grace has been rapidly molding me over the past six months or so, thanks to my Spiritual Director, all of my great friends, and my church family.

What else? Been enjoying the Lazio season, in spite of itself. Hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel in terms of finally getting rid of Claudio Lotito. If I owned the club, I would immediately go to Maurizio Sarri and ask him, "How long do you want to stay?", and then write that number on a contract for him; second, I would ask "What players do you want? I want you driving the transfer market."

I don't know what to make of Fabiani. In some ways he seems like a "mini-Lotito", an arrogant loudmouth. But he's been very quiet through all of the back-and-forth, which very definitely leads me to believe that he's not some kind of Lotito acolyte.

What's more, I actually do like a lot of individual Fabiani-acquired components in this team, players like Rovella, Dele-Bashiru, Noslin, Isaksen, Taylor, Provstgaard, and so forth. Every time Nuno Tavares receives the ball, I get the same "what's going to happen" excited sensations I used to get with athletes like Randy Moss. And Motta looks like he has a huge ceiling in goal-- what a steal!

I love the youth movement, and wonder if-- should Lotito finally be driven out-- new ownership could keep Fabiani on, and have him work closely with Sarri? Really all we need are a couple of creative sparks in the side: there is an interesting skeleton of a team already present, and which has huge growth potential due to the low ages of many of the pieces.

When I have been playing video games, it's been "Grandia" on the Saturn-- what a game! One of my favorite JRPGs of all time, I think.

Many blessings. I'll leave you with La Lazio Mia!

My friend Cassie sent me yet another very helpful thing which I wanted to share! This is for all of those who suffer from disassociation:



I also would like to share an excerpt from a correspondence I sent to a friend today. I've redacted some of the personal details, just for the privacy of my friend:


Letter Excerpt

The funny part in all of this is that I know who God wants me to be, and how He wants me to orient myself. The reason for literally all of my anxieties is that I'm, once again, trying to control the outcomes. I continually need to remind myself: I'm not the one driving the car, He is! All I need to do is ask Him what He wants for me in each moment, then to do those things-- and He will take care of the rest!

I realize that anxiety is ultimately a selfish thing for me, because it turns me inward, versus outward in service to others. These thoughts don't come from God-- I think the Evil One is feeding these feelings within me, just for that purpose!

I read "Esther" very recently. Right before going to see the king, she prayed and prayed for eloquence. She then walked through the door, and what happened? She literally passed out! So much for eloquence! Total disaster! It's like that fear we have of being in front of others, like we'll trip and fall on our face-- for her, it actually happened!

But God took that moment to move the king's heart to compassion and concern for her well being-- and that movement is what changed the entire course of events!

I took from that the old adage that God doesn't necessarily give us what we ask for-- He gives us what we need. He provided for Esther and her people, even if it wasn't in the way she expected.

I remember ... saying to me once, "I'm going on about four hours of sleep per night. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted-- yet every day I am able to pour myself out for these kids. But pour out what? Where does it come from? Certainly not from me, I'm on empty-- it's from God! It's the only possible source."

I pray and hope I can continue to grow in Faith, so I can fully internalize what she told me, and put it into full practice.

I will pray for you and for your family as well! One interesting thing: every time someone has been very ill, I've fervently asked the Archangel Raphael to intercede for healing-- and every single time the person has made tremendous recovery! Your ... is the most recent example, there were others before. I'm not taking credit for having "healed your ..." or anything like that, everyone was praying for him!

But at the same time, I believe that St. Raphael has tremendous intercessory healing power, I'm seeing a definite pattern-- it certainly doesn't hurt to invoke him if someone else you know becomes ill in the future.

Many blessings.

My close friend, Cassie, gave me these three wonderful little booklets: in no particular order, "Litany of the Wounded Heart", "Litany of the Fearful Heart", and "Litany of the Closed Heart". I was going to take pictures of them, but it's easier to just transcribe the contents. I only had time to write up one tonight, so I picked "Fearful Heart", since that is what I struggle with the most-- but all three have very similar text.

If you get very emotional during the song "Be Not Afraid", as I do, the below may be of service to you. But it's a beautiful litany either way!

Also, just a quick update, since I know most of you get news about me from this site and I'm often terrible at individual correspondence: tomorrow I will be at the fish fry at my church from 4:30 to 7:00; thereafter, I will be leading the Stations of the Cross. Anyone who reads this and knows where to go, you are more than welcome to join us! It is $15 a plate for adults, for food. Meanwhile, next Saturday is my Diaconate Formation orientation-- I get to register for classes. I'm so excited!

Many blessings be upon you.


Litany of the Fearful Heart

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Lord Jesus, you created me in love and for love. Bring me to a place of vulnerability within the safety of your loving arms. Help me today by transforming my fearful heart into a heart that can love you, myself, and my neighbor as you intend.

Jesus, I offer you my heart, with all its sufferings.
Jesus, I offer you my heart, with all its doubts.
Jesus, I offer you my heart, with all its hurts.
Jesus, I offer you my heart, with all its fears.
Jesus, I offer you my heart, with all its burdens.
Jesus, I offer you my heart, with all its hope, and all its lack of hope.
Jesus, I offer you my heart, with all its joy, and all its lack of joy.
Jesus, I offer you my heart, with all its love, and all its lack of love.
Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me.

When I feel afraid, Lord have mercy.
When I don't know how to feel safe, Lord...
When life feels chaotic...
When I'm confused...
When I don't know how to trust...
When I feel hurt...
When I feel unloved...
When I feel disappointed...
When others fail me...
When I feel let down...
When I feel all alone...
When I feel rejected...
When I feel I don't belong...
When I feel hopeless...
When I'm afraid of being hurt...
Jesus, help me love others when it is difficult.
Jesus, help me pray for those who have hurt me.
Jesus, I know you love me, in all my wounds.

Jesus, most compassionate, open my heart.
Jesus, healer of my wounds, open...
Jesus, my shepherd.
Jesus, my protector.
Jesus, unspeakable love.

Jesus, you created me in love, hold me in your arms.
Jesus, you created me for love, hold me...
Jesus, you created me to be loved...
Jesus, you created my heart...
Jesus, you see my heart...
Jesus, you know my true heart...
Jesus, you comfort my heart...
Jesus, you treasure my heart...
Jesus, you encourage my heart...
Jesus, you created me as your beloved...

Jesus, you are present with me, I trust in you.
Jesus, you bring me close to you, I trust...
Jesus, you walk with me...
Jesus, you accept me...
Jesus, you calm all my fears...
Jesus, you protect me from threats...
Jesus, you delight in me...
Jesus, help me trust you...

Lord, you are the healer of my soul and my heart. I ask that through this prayer, you would transform me more and more into the likeness of your precious and sacred heart. Let your kindness and compassion transform my heart and bring me always into the security of your loving embrace. Amen.

I haven't felt this at peace in weeks!

I've been suffering a great deal lately with the incredible and extraordinary stressors in my job, ruminating over my family finances once the severance pay ends, plus been consumed with a number of other important tasks which have required immense attention and focus. But I am making progress through the list, and progress feel good!

I might even get in a little video game time today! I haven't played any video games in probably a week now-- just haven't had the time, or the energy.

Ellyn and I were talking the other night on a drive home-- what is Faith? The answer we came up with was, Faith is giving your whole self to the Lord-- everything. Giving your whole self entails two pieces: listening to Him for instruction as to his Divine Will in every moment (passive), and then doing His Divine Will in every moment (active).

A formula representation might be, "Faith = Receptivity + Acts". If you aren't receptive to God's instruction, you haven't given your whole self to Him. And if you don't do what he's telling you to do, then you also haven't given over your entire self.

I have a few assorted articles to share:

• This poll looked essentially the total opposite of how I would have responded, to the point where I had to triple-check the colors! Iran is a direct threat to the US "homeland"? It's 7,200 miles and a 13 hour flight away. Entering into a war does not require congressional approval? The American public was given evidence of an imminent threat? The truth, of course, is that Israel has wanted Iran wiped off the face of the map since at least the 1980s-- and their lobby finally got their way, largely due to Lindsay Graham.


• The results of this study were even more contrary. While it's true that married people having an affair is bad, it's worse than killing a baby? 30 percent said that homosexuality "is not a moral issue"? At least half of people recognize that viewing pornography is sinful. But we as Catholics have a lot of work and teaching ahead of us.


• On a note change, I was disappointed to see that this upcoming game may be canceled. Wouldn't you know it too-- it is quite literally the only modern game I have on my "future games purchases" shopping list, so disconnected am I from the direction of the medium at this juncture.

Finally, the choir at my church did this song last weekend during Communion. It's like something straight from a Castlevania game! It turns out that this composer-- Michael Joncas-- is from my own Diocese, and in fact my Pastor knows him and has cantored for him in the past.

Many blessings!

Here are the most prominent things I have going on in March, so people know where I am:

• March 3: Liturgy Committee meeting.
• March 4: Possibly lunch with Father Matt, to talk through Pastoral Council agenda.
• March 7: Sacristan, Server, Lector; First Saturday Mass, Adoration.
• March 8: Possibly post-Mass breakfast with my friend, Jorge, and his wife, to welcome them to the community.
• March 11: Reconciliation night at my church.
• March 13: Fish fry! I am picking up my friend Juan, driving him to my church; I will meet my other friend, John, there. After a time, I will return Juan to his home, then go back to church to lead Stations of the Cross at 7:00pm.
• March 14: More than likely, my orientation for Diaconate formation.
• March 15: Sacristan and Altar Server, with Duncan.
• March 16: Finance Council meeting.
• March 18: Lead Stations of the Cross for the youth of our church and their parents.
• March 22: Lector at Mass.
• March 24: Pastoral Council meeting.
• March 25: Meeting with my Spiritual Director.
• March 28: Stephen Dinner; helping each other with mutual discernment to the Diaconate.
• March 30: Duncan's thirteenth birthday!

One of my role models in my faith journey over the past few years has been an older, retired woman named Linda. She's a very kind, humble soul. She alternates every other weekend with my church and one of our sister churches, so that she can keep in touch with her friends in both locations.

She always sat in the row in front of me, and I always admired her praying the rosary before Mass. One day a couple of years ago, we got to talking and are now friends. A few weeks ago during Mass, I noticed that she was praying out of a little booklet. I asked her afterwards what it was, and she told me she had a handful of prayers she would say during the Mass.

The very next time I saw her, she slipped a folded piece of notebook paper into my hands-- she'd written them all down for me. What a gift! I've been so busy that I haven't had a chance to do anything with them-- but today I've transcribed them for all of your benefits too!

I think I am going to print out tiny versions of these, and glue them into the miniature notebook in which I write down all of the prayer requests which come to me. Then I can just bring the little notebook to Mass with me, in my pocket.


Before Mass, Suspice

"Receive Lord, my entire freedom. Accept the whole of my memory, my intellect, and my will. Whatever I have or possess, it was you who gave it to me; I restore it to you in full and I surrender it completely to the guidance of your will. Give me only love of you together with your grace, and I am rich enough and ask for nothing more. Amen."


Byzantine Communion Prayer

"I believe, Lord, and profess that you are indeed the Christ, the Son of the living God. And so I pray to you, have mercy on me and pardon my offenses, deliberate and indeliberate, remembered and long-forgotten. For I will not betray you as did Judas; but like the good thief, I acknowledge you. Lord, remember me in your kingdom. Lord, remember me in your kingdom. Amen."


Prayer for Poor Souls

"Eternal Father, I offer thee the most Precious Blood of thy Divine Son, Jesus, in union with all the Masses being said this day throughout the world for all the holy souls in purgatory. Amen."


Before Communion

"Oh! Yes, Lord Jesus, come and reign!
Let my body be your temple,
my heart your throne,
my will your devoted servant,
let me be yours forever,
living only in you and for you! Amen.

Most Holy Trinity, I adore thee!
My God, my God, I love thee in the most
Blessed Sacrament!"


Act of Desire

"Jesus, my God and my all, my soul longs for you. My heart yearns to receive you in Holy Communion. Come Bread of heaven and Food of angels; to nourish my soul and rejoice my heart. Come most lovable friend of my soul, to inflame me with such love that I may never again be separated from you. Amen."


On Way back to Seat

"Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, may the whole world burn with love of you."


After Communion, Act of Adoration

"With deepest humility, I adore you, my Lord and God; you have made my soul your dwelling place. I adore you as my creator from whose hands I come and with whom I long to be happy forever. Amen."


She told me that she also prays the "Anima Christi" and the "St. Michael the Archangel" prayer.

This gave me a bit of an ironic laugh: the Digital Foundry people-- both the actual hosts, and their fans-- have spent the past odd-year slagging off the "I'm just going to be honest even though everyone hates me for it" Threat Interactive dude, saying he's been "debunked", that he's "never shipped a game", and so forth.

So now, in February of 2026, to hear them saying the exact same stuff is pretty amusing. I think they owe him an apology. Maybe they should even bring him onboard?

Yes, his responses were not always as gracious as they could have been-- but he felt compelled to defend himself, which I totally understand. It's surreal to have seemingly the entire world attack you for having stated a totally obvious truth. I've been there multiple times in my own life, so I can commiserate.

My new nickname in the family is "Deacon Aspirin"-- I'm sure it has absolutely nothing to do with my dad jokes. My pastor shared a few insights with me today related to his (excellent) homily, and I'm sure he won't mind me passing them on:

• I asked him about the childlike innocence so many of the Saints always referred to. He steered me towards Matthew 10:16, and the phrase "wise as serpents and innocent as doves". This segues into the next point.


• During the actual homily, he said something to the effect that God doesn't want us to go back to the state in which Adam and Eve were, before the fall-- rather, He wants us to head into the state in which that original grace was intended to lead. I know words are important so I hope I'm not paraphrasing too much, but I think I'm getting the sentiment across.


• He explained that it wasn't a loss of innocence which caused Adam and Eve to notice their nakedness-- rather, it was due to the fact that they had distanced themselves from God, and no longer felt His protection. I could relate to this: haven't we all felt like that after sin, at some point (or perhaps many points) in our lives?

On a church-related note, I was asked today to pray for the younger brother of one of our parishioners, who is in seminary formation and who is having doubts or fears-- it was asked for this request to be passed on: please pray for him everyone!

Continuing my quasi-random brain dump, Father reminded us today not to say the "'A' word" during Lent, referring to "alleluia". I looked up the reason, and it's because the word is so associated with joyfulness that the liturgy itself is fasting in preparation for Easter!

I wonder if we're seeing the death of a medium playing out? While it's true that people have been prematurely writing epitaph's for various aspects of video gaming for a long time-- PCs, consoles, and so on-- what we're going through right now is unprecedented.

On all of my friend lists on every ecosystem-- Sony, Microsoft, Nintendo, Steam, etc.-- it's like a ghost town. And it's not just because my friends and family are aging either: I have numerous of my kids' friends on the lists from back when we used to all play Minecraft together-- they either hardly log on at all, or they just play the same two games over and over.

By contrast, I remember in the 2000s and even the early 2010s, when my lists were hopping: like during the 360 days, we went from Oblivion to Mass Effect to Gears of War to Lost Odyssey, from one big hit, cutting-edge game to another. Nowadays, there's... what exactly?

On top of that, no one can build PCs anymore: video cards are a fortune, RAM is a fortune, Western Digital says their hard drives are sold out through the entirety of 2026, the Steam Deck is sold out globally, I heard one CEO recently say that they expect PC components to basically be sold out "through the end of the decade"...

And then I saw an article the other day, that people are-- very sadly-- choosing porn, gambling, and crypto over video games these days. Then you look at the lack of creativity, technical, and aesthetic acumen on display in games over the past five-to-ten years, and it's no wonder everyone is losing interest.

On a partially-related note, I saw this, and was sad-- but not surprised-- to see that faith in God was only Americans' fifth-ranked concern, while in Germany and the UK it didn't even register in the top ten concerns. On the rare times I'm subjected to modern advertising, or modern films or TV shows, I feel like they come from another planet.

Instead, they say they value "family" and "health"-- which of course, are one hundred percent due to, and from God! If God ceased willing us to exist, the whole universe would blink out instantly! The ability to make money, having safety, and so forth-- those are all gifts from the Lord! It's only due to God's grace that we can quite literally do anything.

But back to video games, I have been enjoying buying and playing Saturn repros with what time I have had to indulge. The Saturn not being able to do "3D" is extremely overstated. The most recent repudiation of this commonly-held view is Grandia... the game is filled to the brim with complex scenes like these, which I think actually look much cleaner than anything on the PSX:

I don't have a lot of time to write, but I wanted to at least drop a note here: by God's grace, I have been accepted into the Diaconate formation program. I am now officially a Deacon Aspirant! I'm so excited to continue my ongoing formation and discernment, and to continue to serve not just those in my local church, and not just in my Area Catholic Community, but in the larger community beyond. I will try to write more this weekend. Thanks to all of you for your prayers, as always!

God and I wrote the prayer I referenced in this post-- here it is:



In addition to being a prayer it is also a poem, constructed in the French "Villanelle" style. It follows the "ACTS" prayer model; the first four tercets emphasize "Adoration", then "Contrition", then "Thanksgiving", and finally "Supplication", respectively. The fifth tercet focuses on the two-way relationship between us and the Lord, while the quatrain emphasizes unquestioning obedience to God's will.

I was just giving direction to Duncan on how to perform an examination of conscience, and thought I would share with others too:

Start by getting into a comfortable position, then close your eyes. Feel God's presence there, with you. Feel peace. Open your eyes, and read the Ten Commandments, stopping after each one for reflection.

Have I been putting things of this world in a more important place in my heart than God? Something doesn't have to be a pagan symbol or a statue of Zeus to be an idol; it could even be a celebrity, a car, a house, and so forth. Have I been treating the Lord's most holy name with respect? Continue through the list.

Next, do the same process, but this time with the Beatitudes. Have I been childlike, and uncomplicated, knowing that I need God's grace to accomplish even the smallest of tasks? Have you had a true spirit of humility and mercy towards others? And so forth.

After that, read through the seven Lively Virtues. Pause after each one, and reflect: let God reveal to you if you've been performing the duties of your station in life; if you've been arrogant or felt superior, versus putting yourself last; regarding sexual sin, it's easy to overlook the related virtue of Temperance, and the overall regulation of the sense appetite. And so on.

Next, ask yourself: have I been loving God with all of my heart? When are times when I did not do that? Recall that God requires two things of us in every moment; in which moments did I not operate according to this standard? Which is: to allow His grace to operate in me freely (passive), and to do His will in every moment (active).

Finally, close your eyes once again. Feel God's light shining on you. Think of the Divine Mercy image, and the rays of Jesus's heart melting you, making you amenable and malleable. Not hard, like pharaoh's heart, but soft, and supple.

Then ask yourself: is there any great shame I have, deep inside of me? It could be something which was done to me; or something I did to someone; or maybe simply a deep compulsion to a specific sin-- a horrible temptation? Whatever it is, bring that shame to God through the sacrament as well, and offer it up to Him.

Finally something good in Lazio's season-- on to the semi-finals of the Coppa Italia! I was happy that Noslin scored, I like him a lot as a player, and he seems like a really good person.

I told my spiritual director yesterday how a lot of Lazio players understand the very thing it took me forty-four years to figure out: that all we do is only possible because God grants us the grace to do so. I also articulated to him my metaphor: "Can you pour more orange juice into a full glass or an empty glass?" Right on cue then, in today's news, I saw this article, where Noslin himself quoted 2 Corinthians, 12:9:



It's not just Noslin understanding that he only can play football, and only scored in the match, because of God's grace-- but the passage he picked is my orange juice metaphor, or what I call "potential grace", a play on the concept of "potential energy." Such funny timing!

When I came to these realizations that night a few weeks ago, God instructed me to write all I've learned into a prayer. During the meeting yesterday, my spiritual director said "I would encourage you to write what you told me in prayer form." Before, I would have found this "coincidence" to be astonishing-- but the infinite power of the Holy Spirit does not surprise me anymore.

O Lord, how you so lovingly and graciously direct us all-- somethings overtly, other times subtly through others or through our environment, and yet other times through little "coincidences", which are such blessings. You are incredible indeed!

Back to the prayer: God told me He would help me write it. I'm incredibly busy over the next several days: lector on Sunday, Pastoral Council on Tuesday night, leading Stations plus participating in the liturgy on Ash Wednesday night, not to mention myriad other things. But Saturday I'm carving out as a day to start on the prayer, God willing, plus catch up on other correspondence and obligations in which I've fallen behind.

I just wanted to write a super quick blog post letting everyone know that my interview with the diaconate panel yesterday went pretty ok. They've probably already written their recommendation to the Bishop one way or the other-- but the Bishop is out of town for a couple of weeks, so I won't know the ultimate outcome for perhaps some time.

It's pointless to speculate. It's fully been in God's hands all along-- any control I've tried to exert over the process was and is purely illusory. But now, I have also ended my role of offering input into that process. Now, it is just time to wait.

The panel interview revealed the exact same shortcoming within me that I've been working so hard to eradicate. During the interview I fell into my "know-it-all, let's show off all of this knowledge I have" mode. I've always been prone to this, as was my grandfather, as was my dad when he was younger. It comes to the fore for me especially when I'm fatigued, which I most certainly was yesterday.

I was reading and praying tonight, and had this old-but-always-funny joke pop into my head: "Doctor, it hurts when I move my arm like this." Doctor: "Then don't move your arm like that."

God loves me beyond all of my ability to measure. Ergo, He wants what's best for me, and has given me a suitable nature. The nature which God has given me is that of a student-- I love to listen to and learn from others. Conversely, I can't stand how I feel when I've been a show-off.

"God, it hurts when I'm an arrogant show-off." God: "Then don't be an arrogant show-off. I don't want this for you either. Uh, remind me again what the problem is here?"

It's so simple! But I struggle with the simple things the most. I think this is because:

I once read something to the effect of, the more unfathomable God's mysteries, the more fruit which can be gained by them. This is because, the intellect, the senses, experience, can not offer anything regarding these mysteries-- therefore, they will do nothing but obscure whatever God is actually speaking through them.

This is why simple souls are often the most holy. What God wants for me is to become simple. "Blessed are the poor in spirit", as we heard last Sunday at Mass. The great interior battle I'm fighting is against my own mind. God, help me to become simple!

Thanks to all of you for your prayers-- oftentimes I feel like I don't deserve them, or feel worthy of all the kindness shown to me, and all of the blessings from our Father. But thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

I've been sleeping so well that it was a surprise to me that I didn't last night! In fact, I was quite unfaithful to God in those very early morning hours, where I never fell back to sleep after 1:30 or so. But in spite of my frustration, and what's so strange, is that while I was rested yesterday, I couldn't accomplish even a single thing-- while today I've felt God as my constant companion, and have gotten what feels like days' worth of church work finished. Who can fathom it?

Everyone is sick! Half of my workplace is ill, and I'm filling in as lector tomorrow morning for my friend, Amy-- who is, you guessed it, sick. Lots of illness going around right now!

I can't wait for Confession tomorrow. My Confessor presides every other weekend, and I always anticipate having the slate wiped clean. If only I wouldn't keep making the same stupid mistakes.

Duncan and I had lunch at the Pizza Ranch buffet today-- that place rocks. We also watched this week's "BFDI Season 6" episode. "Oh, seriously??"

The WRX has been dead on the property for the past couple of weeks-- it wouldn't start due to the unbelievably cold weather we've been having. So today I made use of the jump starter, pulled the WRX into the garage, and have the car's battery hooked up to the charger. We'll see if that helps, or if the battery is beyond salvation at this point: unlike us, car batteries are not called to eternal life!

Out of nowhere I got a hand-written letter from my old friend, Elsa. We go back many, many years. She has been blessed with another child! This weekend I'd like to pen her back. Both of us really like the "get an actual letter in the snail mail" thing-- it's very personal, and tactile.

Another friend of mine Jeff, my employer's chaplain, actually bought oil lamps for his home, for when he's praying or reading scripture. He's insistent that this form of lighting-- candles included-- actively added something to people's contemplative lives. I believe it. His son also works at the company, and is home schooled just like my kids are. I was picking his brain about Latin pronunciations the other day-- he's one smart cookie.

I was listening to a podcast from my friend, Cassie, where the priest being interviewed was deeply inspired by Joan of Arc. It made me think of Charlotte from "Samurai Shodown" on 3DO-- I should play that tonight.

This is something I've been pondering for a long time-- "what if a 'new-'old' console came out"? And here is the GameTank! I wonder if his timing is sort of poor though, given the Commodore 64 Ultimate just came out? For me it'd be tough to swing another $300-odd purchase on top of the giant one I just made.

Things are really scary as a Lazio fan right now. Long-time readers-- those who read my previous blogs for decades-- will know that I supported Claudio Lotito for a long time. He saved the club from liquidation, refinanced the debt, and had us on a slow-but-steady growth, culminating with the Immobile-Albert-Milinkovic-Savic team which would probably have won the Scudetto that one infamous year has the season not gotten disrupted.

But then he was elected to the senate in Italy, and having an ego the size of Jupiter, has refused to delegate or hand over control to someone else, despite visibly having put on probably fifty pounds, and permanently looking like an owl due to a lack of sleep.

Now he's selling off all of our best players, and replacing them with gambles-- or not at all. A recent piece of analysis showed, where Lazio and Napoli diverged maybe ten years ago was because Napoli sold their best pieces and re-invested, while Lazio did not. So I'm all for selling players and making profits. I'm also in favor of buying young players who will bring capital gains.

I don't even disagree with the purchases of Petar Ratkov and Kenneth Taylor-- if I were perusing the market, those were two names I would have been interested in too.

My concerns have more to do with the culture of the club, and that we're reconstructing too fast. Romagnoli is about to leave, and now I hear that Gila is all-but-gone as well. Probably Provedel too-- and who knows who else? Clearly Lotito is forcing Sarri out. In the hands of the wrong coach, I could see us being relegation fodder ala Fiorentina.

I'm seeing names like George Ilenikhena (since we missed out on Rayan) as new incoming pieces. While I think names like that are exciting, many of them belong to teenagers: what will happen next season in Serie A if many of these gambles don't pay off?

And now the fans are threatening massive boycotts, to which Lotito's Lazio are threatening legal action? Rather than having gratitude to the fans, the club is threatening to sue them simply for not wanting to buy tickets?

This is by far the darkest period of Lazio during the Lotito decades.

A couple of weeks ago I memorized both verses of "O Salutaris Hostia". More recently, I've memorized the first verse of "Tantum Ergo". Now I've almost got the second verse memorized as well. Finally, it will be the easiest one-- since it's in English: "Holy God, We Praise Thy Name". Then I'll be all set for Adoration after the First Saturday Mass on February 7!

Some day if I become a deacon, I will need to learn how to chant the "Exsultet"!

I haven't felt this close to God perhaps ever. I feel like He's answered all of my-- and your-- prayers: I've now had four good nights of sleep in a row.

There were many pieces to it-- some day I should enumerate all of them, and write a massive post. But the two biggest ones were: the release of shame "Confession and God's Forgiveness" section I wrote in this post, followed by vocalizing that shame to my Confessor, and thus giving it up to the Lord-- and the revelation I've had this week, which is as follows.

When your mind is moving too fast-- either out of joy, or anxiousness-- close your eyes, take a deep breath, do the sign of the cross, and say "God, come to my assistance... Lord, make haste to help me." Just like we say in the Liturgy of the Hours. As you continue to breathe, remember that Jesus is not even that breath's distance from you. With practice, your mind will slow down, and peace will enter you.

I've been thinking about the Stations of the Cross, and how I can make it extra reverent. I think I'll wear one of the hooded albs, which I don when I serve at the altar. On Good Friday, I'll wear a red cincture around my waist-- the other times, purple. I think I'll wear the same ear piece microphone the priests use, so I don't strain my voice. It would be nice to get a few of my friends to lead it with me: one could carry the crucifix, flanked by candle bearers on either side. But I think I'll wait until the nights of, to see who shows up.

I hope I can become a deacon one day. This aspect of my life if so fulfilling.

I think I've had a breakthrough-- I've now had two strong days in a row. I'm going to try to make a third tomorrow, please continue to pray for me. Your prayers are making a big difference.

The revelation was this notion of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. The past two days I have been focused on keeping them more in balance. I'm going to try to build my life around this concept.

I ran the Liturgy Committee meeting last night. I recognized ahead of time that this would put my sympathetic nervous system on overdrive-- so I asked my manager if I could use three hours of vacation time this afternoon. I got home at 13:00, and was able to catch up on all of my church stuff. Now instead of being up all tonight totally wired, I will be able to relax for the next hour and a half before lights out.

Monday morning was rock bottom for me. I cried the whole way to work-- I could barely make out the road. I prayed and prayed and prayed, imploring God to have mercy on me. Then I got the parking lot at work, and just put my head on the steering wheel, sobbing: do I go into the office, or do I drive to Wisconsin, get a hotel room, and just throw everything out the window?

God gave me the strength to make it through the day. Then I found the aforementioned nervous system explanation. And now I've had a couple of good days in a row. The evening prayer today was written just for me: I completely broke down reading the two Psalm 116 sections-- but this time, I cried not out of pain, but out of gratitude to the Lord our God.

At last night's Liturgy Committee meeting, our pastor assigned me the responsibility of leading the Stations of the Cross all throughout Lent-- "the perfect thing for a deacon candidate." This is a huge blessing for me, and I extremely appreciate Father's vote of confidence as Ellyn and I near our panel interview date on February 4.

These affirmations help me to have strength, as I work with God's graces.

Earlier today I was reading a bit about Gnosticism. The general notion is that the spiritual is good, while the physical is bad. God could not have created the material world, because he wouldn't have dirtied himself with it. To them it follows that the goal is to liberate the spirit from matter; even suicide is above board for them.

A parallel concept is one of Docetism. Docetism is the belief that Jesus didn't actually have a body; that his apparent physical presence was some kind of illusion-- a phantasm, or a hologram, or something along those lines.

Gnosticism predated Christ. But after Christ, the idea that God would have sullied himself by becoming matter does not fit within their mental framework. So most Gnostics reached for one of two explanations. The first was that Christ wasn't actually God; he did create everything, but he was actually an aeon, or some other kind of spiritual being.

The second was an endorsement of the aforementioned Docetism-- which is also tidily compatible with their model.

Off topic, but Duncan and I served at Mass today. I could do ten Masses in a row, in a day. I can't get enough of it. I want to do it every weekend. It's such a satisfying way to give glory to God, through such close participation in the liturgy.

Please pray for me. I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. It's difficult for me to conceive how I am going to survive a whole new week of work-- I'm simply not sleeping from the stress of it, for days-on-end.

After this week? Another week. After that? Another. It's like standing at the bottom of a cliff as high as the sun is tall, and asking me to scale it. Today, I'm in such a state that it feels almost impossible. I know the Lord will provide, but I must also be in tune with other doors He may open for me.

I was able to pick up His voice again last night, which was a huge relief. The Evil One played a terrible trick on me, and got me to doubt that what I was hearing in my mind was in fact God. For months, I tuned the Lord out. But last night, by His grace, my heart was re-attuned to the proper frequency.

I'd be happy to write more about this if people are interested.

Someone asked me the other day why Jesus chose bread and wine for the Eucharist. I did a little bit of reading about it, I think it can be summarized like this.

In scripture, the Old prefigures the New. From the beginning-- in His singular, eternal moment of creation, understanding, decision making, and so forth-- God decided to condition people to associate bread and wine with sacrifice, faith, and sustenance.

During Passover, Israel ate unleavened bread-- and in the desert, they also ate the bread-like substance known as manna, which is what physically sustained them. During this time they made great sacrifice-- not without more than a little grumbling, mind you-- with the hope and faith that God was going to uphold His covenant with them. Passover also associated bread with the concept of a sacrificial lamb.

Also during sacrifices, the first fruits of the crops were given-- bread and wine. Additionally, wine was always something to be savored, at the end of a meal.

All of this prefigures Christ as the sacrificial lamb, and also as the bread of life which sustains us. Meanwhile, it's through his blood and sacrifice on the cross that our path to eternal oneness with God was purchased-- the "wine to be savored at the end of the meal", so-to-speak.

I also read, I believe from St. Augustine, the notion that bread is made of myriad individual pieces of wheat, which are all crushed together, moistened with water, then baked in fire.

We are all individual pieces, crushed and smashed, moistened with water through Baptism, then burned with fire-- I'm thinking John the Baptist here, "the one who comes after me will baptize you with fire", kind of a thing. Or the Holy Spirit descending during Pentecost as tongues of fire.

Through this process we are joined together as the Body of Christ, just like how the wheat is joined together as bread.

In other faith-related news, the big diaconate panel interview for me and Ellyn is happening on February 4th, at 9:45 CST. Pray for us! But don't pray for a specific outcome-- rather, pray for the Holy Spirit to work through everyone involved in the discernment process, to have hearts open to God's will.

I had my first meeting with my Spiritual Director-- my priest friend. He was so helpful!

That crazy moment of total abandonment to the Lord, and absolute love for others, which I experienced during Holy Thursday last year-- I had not experienced another moment like that since then, and I had been worrying that I had become "less holy", or deficient in some way. Father explained to me that the moment I experienced has a term: a consolation.

A consolation is a special grace that God sometimes bestows on people, for mysterious reasons. It is not something we earn-- it's a gift, which the Lord chooses to give. I did not somehow instigate or bring it on myself.

He also explained that there is an opposite, called desolation. Even great upper-case Saints wrote about intense periods of desolation they experienced in their lives. The key during these moments is to draw ourselves closer to God; it's easy to pray when we're feeling good and things are going well.

I also had lunch a couple of days ago with my pastor. I can't go into any details, but also please pray for him-- he's had a very tough week. We're both big-time Myers-Briggs "intuitives", so it's hilarious to see the thirty-thousand directions in which our conversations go. One thing he gave me was Pope St. John XXIII: "It's your Church, Lord, I'm going to bed."

Our diocese's psychologist, Emily, told me to surrender in order to rest and sleep. I'm slowly putting the pieces together. I've slept like total junk this week, including being up almost all night yesterday and this morning-- but I think I have the pieces to the solution; I just need to put the puzzle together.

This past Sunday I worked at a pancake breakfast with a fellow Knight, maybe others reading this also know him: his name is Nick, and he's a walking factbook on our Faith, major philosophers, and so forth. The stuff he "just knew" off the top of his head! I learned a lot by just listening to him. So that was another fun conversation I had recently-- another blessing.

The best things in life are lessons in contrast. Like peanut butter and jelly. Or pie à la mode. Or classically-inspired metal compositions. I think as Catholics we get this perfect: we are joyful in hopeful anticipation of sainthood, and praise God with exuberance-- but we simultaneously stand in cosmic, reverent, solemn awe of God, with our candles and our incense and our statues and Latin prayers.

I was trying to figure out the other day why I'm not absorbing our Faith as quickly and as thoroughly as I absorbed, let's say, economics in my twenties. My Pastor asked me, "is it a lack of interest?", to which I replied "Definitely not that." Then the answer hit me the next day: I'm too interested, and want to learn it all at once-- but the volume is so huge, that I flit around too much, not quite sure where to focus my attention.

I ran across a very interesting model in psychology the other day: top-down processing, versus bottom-up processing. I am 100% a bottom-up processor. Apparently this is rather unusual, all told. For example, I was at Mass at "the big church in town". I became hyper-focused on a floral arrangement they had placed next to the altar. Thirty minutes into Mass, I finally noticed the forty-foot tall Christmas tree in the sanctuary. Then ten minutes after that, the probably twenty foot tall crucifix they had suspended from the ceiling since the last time I was there.

Ellyn will say to me, "go into the closet and get the blue box." When I go into the closet, I enumerate each object one at a time: "Is this a box, and is it blue-- no. Is this a box, and is it blue? No." She finally gets impatient, looks herself, immediately picks out the blue box from amongst the clutter, and grabs it herself. I read that most people see the whole picture first, and then selectively focus on details. That's very alien to me!

When I cook food, or do just about anything, I follow the steps, in order, to the letter. Evidently this is not how most people do things: they will just start to cook, then reference the instructions as needed if they have a specific question. Very interesting!

Off to prayer, and then bed.

I've been hearing that AM4 platform development is being restarted across-the-board, because of the whole Sam Altman, OpenAI, DDR5 situation. Duncan and I were talking about this the other day: this is quite literally unprecedented! When I built my K6-2 system back in 1998, the world didn't suddenly restart original Pentium-era manufacturing in 1999-- the world just kept moving forward, to the Pentium III era and beyond.

I also wonder how much of this is just a natural plateauing of things-- Moore's law finally settling into a straight, horizontal line? Back when Nvidia unveiled the RTX 3080, I thought to myself "How are they going to continue to upsell consumers on new GPUs-- who would ever need more floating point math than this?" Remember that 3080 marble demo? I thought to myself, "Graphics really can't get better than this." And it was true!

Somewhat impressively, Nvidia and AMD managed to limp the business model along through the 4000 and 5000 lines, but it sounds like this is the end of the line-- if there ever is a 6000 series, it won't be until 2027 at the earliest, I've read.

So back to AM4 then: maybe it will just be like car engines? We're done now! Maybe there will be AM4 and DDR4 for the midrange, then AM5 and DDR5 for the high-end, moving forward into the indefinite future?

One really interesting parallel development taking place involves the enormous and rapidly-growing cottage industry for "new-old" computers. Regular readers will know how much I'm enjoying my Commodore 64 Ultimate; BBS's are coming back; and the resurrected "Compute!'s Gazette" has so much content and so many subscribers, I wouldn't be surprised if they have to split it into two magazines at some point.

So maybe alongside "mainstream" computers, we'll start to see "new-old" computers become popular-- "old" computers, but with full online functionality and other contemporary capabilities?

After having leaped the paper application and psych evaluation hurdles for the diaconate application process, I am now bounding towards the third stage: the multi-hour panel interview! That will happen sometime in February.

My psych eval results were really funny. The summary was worded all scientifically: "Has difficulty expressing anger", and "was somewhat guarded in his responses." Yes, I'm a Minnesotan-- I'm well aware! All I could think of was this video, haha.

I had a really nice lunch today with my employer's chaplain. He gave me a couple of good nuggets. The first: the Ignatian Examen!

1. Become aware of God's presence.
2. Review the day with gratitude.
3. Pay attention to your emotions.
4. Choose one feature of the day and pray from it.
5. Look toward tomorrow.

Along with the Evening Prayer, which Duncan and I already do, I'm going to start doing the Examen every night.

A second fun thing we talked about was: I asked him if he was familiar with the concept of "Liminal Spaces". Not only was he familiar with it, but his circle spends a lot of time around the notion of "liminality" in general!

He explained "liminality" as the mind being between two places. So-called "liminal spaces" play on this by putting the mind into a conflicting , or "liminal" state: "Normally airports are bristling with activity and life-- but this one is dead and empty."

"Liminality" can apply to situations too. For example, during the "Reconstruction" era in United States history, people had to rebuild from a partially demolished base. In this state of liminality, creativity became king.

In terms of faith, his circle's working model is that if people become too caught in "church as institution", they don't turn to the Lord with earnest open-heartedness: instead they just blindly follow routine, going to services on the weekends and dropping their kids off at Sunday school.

He gave me an example of embracing liminality: he has a friend who was praying, "I want to help poor people." Ok, how? "Well, I want to meet them where they are." And do what? "Um, they need to bathe first." This turned into mobile shower trailers and prayer services, right on the street! This guy has gone on to convert countless people using these methods.

As a Catholic I see it happen a lot, where people become somewhat "rutted". While I'm the first person to embrace Tradition-- heck, I've spent the past several days endlessly memorizing and repeating to myself Aquinas's "O Salutaris Hostia"-- and extoll its importance, it's also important to save souls by leveraging all of the gifts the Lord has given us, including creativity.


Lazio Market Going Bananas

Way back when it was first announced we'd bought Sergej Milinkovic-Savic, I watched a highlight reel of him on YouTube and got the chills: "This guy is going to be really good." I'm having the exact same reaction to watching Petar Ratkov videos: I think this guy is potentially going to become a world class player. He absolutely has all of the tools to succeed in a place like Italy.

As for Guendouzi, I tried so, so hard to like him. And I do! He's a nice guy at heart. But despite his obvious talent, Arsenal wanted to see the back of him. Then Marseille wanted to see the back of him. And now I'm ready to see the back of him: I finally get it. And at that price!

Meanwhile, Kenneth Taylor is the real deal. I couldn't be more thrilled with not just the talent we're buying, but the age profiles as well.

As for the refereeing situation, imagine your NFL team's receiver is going up to catch the ball in the endzone, the defender pulls his arms down, and there is no pass interference call. Then your defensive end beats the tackle, but the offensive lineman pulls a big fist full of his jersey, while their quarterback throws the game-winning touchdown.

Now imagine that these kinds of calls are only happening against your team. Now imagine that they've been going on all season, to the point where it's a running joke with fans of other teams-- with no skin in the game incidentally-- that the referees hate your team.

That's what's going on with Lazio this season. The games almost have a surreal quality, which is difficult to describe even. I don't know what is going on behind the scenes: money exchanging hands? Political blowback against Lotito? But it's definitely "a thing".


Street Fighter: The Movie

With the new "Street Fighter" film coming out this year, the kids and I have made a minor "nerd project" to watch the first film, from the early 90s-- and also to play "the game based on the movie based on the game". So I dutifully ordered a "CIB" copy of "Street Fighter: The Movie" for the Saturn, and have been playing it the past few days. We're presently trying to pick a night when the three of us will all be home, to watch the film.

I like the game! It's literally the "Super Street Fighter II Turbo" engine-- one of the best 2D fighter engines ever created, easily-- with "Mortal Kombat"-esque sprite swaps. The load times aren't very optimized, and I think the backgrounds are kind of boring, but the title plays like gold.

At work the other day I was looking for a good diff tool. I ran across this and absolutely busted a gut laughing at their slogan:



Speaking of busting a gut, the whole sequence starting here and ending with Purpleface's ill-fated rap is hilarious! Warning: if you haven't seen BFB 28, just wait until you get to this moment organically.

Duncan woke up yesterday with a neck so sore he couldn't get out of bed. He recovered enough via a little Ibuprofen, and to make an otherwise stressful morning just a little more fun, we watched several episodes of BFB together-- running across the aforelinked sequence. His neck is feeling much better today, thankfully.

I also beat "Powerslave" on Saturn yesterday, and posted my review. What a game! I might start on a second playthrough today, I enjoyed it so much.

I'd write more, but a fellow is going to arrive imminently to look at our water heater. It's a lovely early-2000s Rheem Marathon unit, in great condition. But I think it's developed some kind of electrical short. I did some basic troubleshooting this morning but quickly got in over my head in terms of testing the electronics involved to isolate the issue, and had to call in a pro.

I now have a new bookshelf in the hallway just outside of my bedroom, to which I transferred my Saturn, 3DO, PC Engine, PSX, and PS2 collections. Click for larger versions of the pictures!





Of course, the Commodore 64 Ultimate is looking rather handsome on top. As soon as I get the s-video cable in the mail, it'll be moving to the alternate CRT setup, and off of the bookshelf.

Also, the eagle-eyed among you may have picked out my newest repro purchase, once again click for larger versions:





I've been wanting to have "Powerslave" in my Saturn collection for over a decade, so this is pretty cool! Going to dive into it imminently, in fact.

Liturgy of the Hours was awesome this morning! First there was this, from Acts 6:



It's the Deacon verses! Not only that, but they came right before the moment of silence, where we're to "unite our personal prayer more closely with the word of God". I love when God bestows on me these little blessings and reminders.

It also made me think of that section in Luke 10, with Martha:



And then came the Canticle of Zechariah, which is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read:



All-in-all, a good morning.

I survived! Or at least I think I did. The diaconate psych eval is complete!

As is the pattern for everything I've been worrying about my entire life, this event was absolutely no big deal. I had a brief interview with the psychologist, a super nice lady named Emily, then spent the next two-and-a-half hours answering almost eight hundred true and false questions, on bubble forms with a Ticonderoga number two pencil.

The test questions were a weird mix of Myers-Briggs, Big Five, psychiatric, moral outlook, and physical ailment-related inquiries-- ranging anywhere from "I often have ringing in my ears" to "I frequently feel shame from abuse I suffered as a child" to "most people will steal and lie if given the chance." Such a hodge-podge!

I answered everything honestly, but made special effort to answer in the affirmative to the small handful of sleep and anxiety-related ones. I actively want to get flagged for those issues, to prompt an open dialogue between them, and me-- I want us to work as one big team to discern whether I can "do this" or not. I'm using the tests to facilitate that conversation.

Unlike perhaps most men who start to discern down this path, my concerns aren't so much about being a deacon itself-- of that, I know I'm being called, and I have very little doubt that I'd make a good deacon in pretty much every sense of the word, after the many years of their superb formation program. My worry, rather, is how the heck am I going to get through school with my insomnia issues?

I also was up front about my autism spectrum stuff with the psychologist, and she didn't seem concerned about that at all considering I'm high functioning, have been married for a gazillion years with two wonderful kids, in a successful career for decades, and so forth.

One other thing of note was just how affirmational these tests were. Ten years ago I would have answered things way differently than I did today. I have such a happy outlook on life, on others, on... pretty much everything compared to even my thirties, much less during my twenties.

Now tonight I can get a super nice night's sleep! I haven't had a good night's sleep since last week.

Got word a few hours ago that I'm moving on to the next stage of the diaconate application process! They really liked what I had to say on paper-- but that wasn't a given! I was truly one hundred percent honest-- just letting the Holy Spirit guide me, knowing that maybe I'm not meant for the diaconate, and that I should just speak from the heart and let God play things out in whatever way He intends.

The next step is a psych eval. Both Ellyn and I will be driving there next Friday at noon-- apparently we do part of it together, and then they separate us for the individual portions.

I've had people say to me "You'll be fine, they're just checking to make sure you're not crazy." But this is actually not a given for me in the sense that I am autistic, and I live my life with a lot of burn-out related anxiety. Just like during the paper application part, I am going to just be one hundred percent honest, and God will direct things as He always does, one way or the other.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you know how during a job interview process you practice, and learn how to say just the right things? I am not treating this process that way-- not even remotely. I'm not trying to direct things towards a specific outcome. Being a deacon isn't a job-- it's so much more than that. You can't boil being a deacon down to a list of functions: ordination literally changes you. And not everyone is intended to be altered in that manner.

So God will work through me, Ellyn, and all of the diocese people together, as a team, to discern whether I'm intended to go down this path, or some other.

It feels really weird: I have an evening off! My anxiety levels are sky-high in spite of that, but that's just because I haven't had a chance to sit and relax yet.

As soon as I got home from work, I shoveled the WRX out of its snowbank on the property, cleaned the foot of snow off of it, started it, and pulled it forward a car length in preparation for it to be flatbedded into town tomorrow. It had some kind of catastrophic failure when I was driving it home from work a couple of weeks ago-- "cylinder 3 misfire"-- along with a flashing "check engine" light.

In any event, I crawled beneath it tonight and very quickly discovered that the exhaust pipe literally came one hundred percent disconnected from the driver's side muffler! Not only do I think this caused backpressure, which then resulted in the cylinder 3 issue, but I suspect this long-developing exhaust leak has been responsible for the poor engine performance and "bank 1 too lean" intermittent codes me and my mechanic have been fighting for over a year now!

Hopefully it won't involve a brand new cat-back exhaust system or something, because that would be super expensive and, well, I'm broke. But if it's a simple weld or something, that would be a great outcome.

Now I'm making dinner: two frozen chimichangas and some tater tots, in the air frier. After that, I think I can just chill in bed and continue Isaiah-- I got like two chapters in maybe a week ago, and have been so busy and stressed out that I've basically just been collapsing in bed whenever I have had a spare hour or two: no reading, no scripture, no video games, nothing.

At first I worried it was depression. But then I found this YouTube channel, and realized that I'm just deep in "autistic burnout". This makes so much sense, because it fits my symptoms exactly! I've actually been in a really good mood-- enjoying the cool stuff I'm doing at work, had a lot of fun serving my church community at all of the liturgies over the weekend, and so forth.

So I didn't feel like I was laying in bed out of a lack of interest in doing other things-- it was more that I just felt overstimulated, and frankly just wanted to stare at the paint on the wall. I mean, video games? That's music, and flashing lights-- yuck! And as it turns out, that was exactly what was going on! So I've actually been feeding into that these past few nights, just doing sort of "sensory deprivation-lite" with the free time I have had, and it has been helping me at work the following days.

Tonight and this weekend, I'm just going to focus on taking it easy from a sensory perspective. I am sacristan at Mass on Sunday morning, but otherwise have the weekend thankfully free.

In other news, my Commodore 64 Ultimate should be here in a matter of days! Everyone also chipped in on an RX 9070 XT for Duncan for Christmas-- yes, he already knows-- so we're getting in before any major video card price hikes probably inevitably hit.

I should find out about whether I'm progressing in the diaconate formation next week. The panel met yesterday I believe, so I think they are in deliberation mode over the paper packets everyone-- including me-- submitted. I was wondering why I'm feeling so nervous despite the fact that I totally trust God with this process, and I realized it wasn't because of the outcome per se, but more about dealing with the uncertainty-- which is another autism thing! I won't be upset if I get in, don't get in, or whatever happens-- but it's more like I just want to know one way or the other.

If they do like me on paper, I'm curious to see how the psych eval will go, because my anxiety and autism stuff will show up and undoubtedly be a huge point of conversation for them.

Anyway, my food is done, I'm going to go eat.