Excellent article here about why RAM prices have exploded. Both of my kids could use video card upgrades, but I can't really afford them with the new job-- so looks like I'll have to ride this out.

This weekend is kind of crazy on the church front:

• This morning, was sacristan and altar server at our First Saturday Mass.
• Then there was a one hour gap, and I was sacristan and altar server for a funeral.
• I'm sacristan for the usual Sunday Mass tomorrow morning.
• Then I'm sacristan again tomorrow night for the Immaculate Conception Mass.

I got a call from the head deacon of our diocese the middle of last week-- he just wanted to say "hi" and check in with me, which was a really nice gesture. He said that they are reviewing the applicants on paper next week, and that I should hear something back one way or the other the following week. I'll keep everyone here posted.

Tonight I'm going with some friends to see a live theater version of "The Christmas Story", really looking forward to that. I might also play some video games this afternoon-- haven't so much as touched a video game in several days.

I've been finally catching up on all of my piled-up issues of "Compute!'s Gazette". Duncan and I read an article together in the October issue about the "Dodleston Source Code"-- what a fascinating thing, neither of us had ever heard of it. Also on the "classic computers" note, my Commodore 64 Ultimate is apparently en route to one of Commodore's distribution centers-- can't wait!

In this post, in the "Confession and God's Forgiveness" section, I wrote about something which was revealed to me during Adoration at NCYC. I took that to Reconciliation today with my Spiritual Director, and I feel like a cancer has been removed from inside of me. Now there's just this sort of dull throb where the cancer used to be, and tremendous fatigue-- because I feel like now maybe I can rest, after decades.

I think I can finally heal now, thanks to God's grace.

I've noticed that God's healing works in this way for me: it's not usually-- with one exception I can think of-- like a bright light shines down on me, and I experience this instantaneous, singular, transformational, euphoric moment. Rather, it's more like I notice, over a period of weeks or even months, that my outlook has changed: that on reflection, I'm able to do things or feel a certain way or help people in some new manner, in which I wasn't able to before.

I think the removal of this cancer within me will unblock a lot of spiritual growth, so that I can better serve others.

In totally unrelated news, I watched part of "Roma-Napoli" earlier this afternoon. Announcer 1: "Napoli are now bringing on six-seven striker, Lorenzo Lucca." Announcer 2: "How tall is he?" Announcer 1, totally not getting it: "Six-seven." Announcer 2: "Ahhh."

Had a super productive day today, felt good! Cleaned the entire basement, including the bathroom; got all caught up with church liturgical and pastoral council-related tasks; got all caught up on email and other correspondence; and after eight months, finally nuked Henrietta's gaming PC's ancient Windows 10 installation for Windows 11.

Tomorrow will be a day to catch up on reading and video games!

Our family was asked to potentially host a fourteen year-old foreign exchange girl from Spain, for ten months. We are currently discerning: we're definitely feeling that tug in our hearts, and we even have a practical way to re-arrange the sleeping so that she would get her own bedroom. She loves playing piano so I'd give her my MIDI keyboard for her room; she loves pets-- we have five cats, and myriad chickens; she loves to read-- so do all of us. And she is a super devout Catholic-- so she could get involved with us in our church, and would literally never miss a single Sunday obligation.

I think I'm going to ask for the application, and we'll see where God leads us.

I also wanted to share the following model-- the four characteristics of sin: It is subtle; It distorts our judgement; It will escalate to something bigger; It cascades through generations. The four characteristics of virtue: It is subtle; It affirms our judgement; It wil escalate to something bigger; It cascades through generations.

Tonight before I go to bed, I am going to do some in-depth examination of conscience in preparation for confession on Sunday. I think I'll look at the virtues, and perhaps the beatitudes.

My daughter, Henrietta, and I got back from the National Catholic Youth Conference on Sunday-- and we both agreed it was one of the most mind blowing experiences of either of our lives. I've been chipping away at this blog post since, and I've finally managed to wrap it up!


Fear, Uncertainty, Doubt: The Trip There

Neither of us had ever been on one of these trips before, and we both had a lot of fears going into it. For starters, we had a grueling day-long bus trip to get there; we had to share hotel rooms with others-- and speaking for myself, I snore and am very self conscious about keeping others awake; not to mention, we would have non-stop socialization for several days in a row-- and we're both introverts. Not only that, but I was going as a chaperone-- a responsibility I didn't take lightly, and which added pressure on me.

So we went into this trip with trepidation. But nevertheless, Henrietta and I packed thoroughly beforehand, printed schedules in tow, and Ellyn dropped us off at the church in town at 4:00am for the bus to pick us and the rest of the group up. Before long, very cold and feeling more than a bit timid, our entire group loaded our luggage into the bottom of the bus when it arrived, and we boarded. Henrietta went towards the back with the rest of the kids, while I took the second seat from the front-- with our youth minister in front of me, and our pastor right behind. The other chaperones took the seats across the aisle from me.

Us chaperones got to talking-- and this was the start of a super strong bond that formed between us over the course of the trip.

Eventually our trip took us to a church in Wisconsin, where a Sacristan had graciously prepared Mass for us, on a pseudo-random Wednesday. Our Pastor, plus another Priest who was traveling with us, concelebrated the Mass in a very unusual round church, which had a hallway going all the way around it.

After Mass, we ate pizza, boarded the bus, and were back on our way!


The City, The Hotel, The Stadium

We took a bathroom break at this truly bizarre rest stop in Indiana, which clearly hadn't been redecorated since the 1970s-- and that's no exaggeration. It looked exactly like the "liminal spaces" you'd see in things like The Backrooms: the bathroom had sinks from perhaps the 1960s; the tile was this ancient pale green and white checkerboard pattern; and the restroom reaked like mold. Outside of the restroom, the place had 1970's style wood paneled walls, and several metal payphone benches, with the payphones ripped out. My photo truly does not do the place justice, but it gives you some idea.



Once we arrived in the city itself though, it was a different story! The place was a nice mix of new skyscrapers, beautiful old buildings, and lots of monuments.



The hotel itself was pretty dated, with peeling wallpaper and worn carpet. My roommate, Adam, is the Parish Administrator for the other "Area Catholic Community" with whom we were traveling. In the first night, he told me his life story-- made himself very vulnerable. On a later night I shared my story with him. By the end of the trip we were fast friends.



Once we were checked in, we ate at a restaurant called "Buca di Beppo". The walls were filled with extraordinary artwork, pictures of famous actors and actresses, plus crests of famed Italian football teams like Inter and Napoli. I didn't see a Lazio crest, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was one there. The place operates with huge family portions for each table, where they deliver several dishes in succession, and the table shares. It ended with these absurdly huge chocolate chip cookies.





And this leads me to the first of NCYC's many cultural elements: the clothespins.

At NCYC, kids draw or color on clothespins-- often writing Bible verses and other such messages on them. They then go around discretely clipping the pins to unsuspecting victim's hoods, backpacks, sleeves, or wherever else they can put them. I had my first exposure to this at Buca's: our Bishop was there, and he had on a suit coat-- which of course hanged down in the back. At one point, one of our girls walked by and had the audacity to clip the bottom of the Bishop's coat.

All of the kids went, "Oooooooh, we see what you did!" The Bishop looked confused, and just kept talking. Soon, another kid went by-- and followed the first girl's lead. Then another kid. And another. Of course the Bishop caught on at some point, but is one of the nicest people you'll ever meeting, so I'm certain he just played along. After maybe ten minutes, he had no fewer than fifteen clips hanging from his suit coat! Our pastor was sitting right next to me-- he leaned over to me and, pointing at the Bishop, quietly said "I hope he doesn't try to sit down."

After hanging out at the restaurant, we went into this awesome church which was just across the street from the convention center.





More NCYC Culture

We got back out into the brisk air of the streets, and it was then that I encountered more NCYC culture.

The tradition is that kids from each group-- and there were seventeen thousand youth there, incidentally-- wore matching hoodies, so that they could stick together as teams. Further, many groups carry what I can best describe as standards-- the big flags you see in the movies, in front of armies from medieval times. So picture groups of twenty-or-more kids, color-coordinated, marching behind a huge pole, eight feet in the air, with a pig in a cowboy hat at the top, or a giant unicorn head, or an oversized cheeseburger-- the standard bearer proudly leading the way. It was a sight to behold, all of these armies marching everywhere downtown!

To further my astonishment, the armies were all taking turns shouting at each other at the top of their lungs: "NC!!!" one group would say-- across the street, other groups would shout back: "YC!!!" And so the armies marched: "NC!", "YC!", "NC!", "YC!" People native to the city would stop, amazed-- probably wondering who the heck we were, and why we'd invaded the city!

At one point a Eucharistic Procession went past, with the incense and the big tent. All of the armies stopped, and knelt as Jesus passed by. I wouldn't be surprised if we converted bystanders to Catholicism right then and there, or at least made them Catholic-curious: just by the sheer spectacle of it!

As we marched toward the venue-- the gargantuan NFL "Lucas Oil Stadium", where the Indianapolis Colts play-- I got exposure to another NCYC tradition: the hats.

You see, the kids at NCYC all wear hats. And we're not talking ordinary hats: we're talking about race car hats; construction hard hats; fuzzy rainbow hats with blinking lights; massive construction cone hats; even Bishop and Papal hats! But it's even more than that: kids constantly trade hats! One time a guy walked up to a girl in front of me, and said matter-of-factly: "Would you be interested in trading your giraffe for a cherry?", to which she calmly replied, "Yes-- yes I would." So she handed him her giraffe hat, and she took the cherry hat-- which fit over her head like a misshapen football helmet, with the stem sticking out on top!


Praise Worship

This was the first time of several where I cried during NCYC 25. We entered the inner sanctum of the stadium, and watched in awe as it filled to the brim with all 17,000 young people, in their color-coordinated hoodies, with their crazy hats, with their standards. A rock band started playing worship music-- the production values absolutely off the charts.

As the band started playing, probably 3,000-- and I'm not exaggerating-- kids stormed up to the stage. And the lights danced. And the music played at a zillion decibel levels. What made me so emotional was, as Catholics, we often have the stereotype of being stodgy, and boring, and old-fashioned-- and maybe even a little sad, or forlorn. But this was a whole side to the Catholic Church I had never seen before: one of energy, of youthfulness, of joy! Modern and rocking!

The kids all held up their phones, in flashlight mode. The stadium looked like it was filled with thousands of fireflies!

It was soon that I encountered the song-- what wound up being the theme of the whole event for me-- "Praise". You can hear it here. Except imagine a crowd a zillion times larger-- with literally thousands of kids jumping up and down as high as they could, thousands and thousands of voices singing the unforgettable chorus, all in perfect sync! It was so emotionally overwhelming, the sheer sight and sound of it, that I'm getting emotional again just writing this paragraph, reflecting back on it.

There was another song, which I've been trying to find on YouTube, which wove the "Glory Be" into its lyrics-- that one was also sensational. But in any event, we then segued in to one speaker after another-- each one more amazing than the one before. Sensational!


The Convention Center

From there, the tens of thousands poured back out onto the streets, walking the very short trip to the convention center. There isn't as much to say about that-- lots of clothespinning, lots of hat trading, priests and religious brothers and sisters everywhere, bishops walking around talking to everyone. Like most conferences, there were time-blocked breakout sessions, where you pick between one of several options for each slot.

Here are just a couple of the sessions I went to, just to paint the flavor: one was about the keys to discernment; the speaker gave us three questions to ask:

1. What will it help? What will it hurt?
2. Will it glorify God, or glorify me?
3. What will be the fruit of this?

Another example: "God, is that you?"

• Our own thoughts are the more neutral ones.
• Fear, doubt, and insecurity come from the evil one.
• Peace, joy, and conviction come from God.

And that set the pattern for NCYC! It was a virtuous cycle of:

1. Stadium: Insanely good praise music from major Christian artists, followed by speakers.
2. Convention Center: Sessions, daily Mass, Confessions.
3. Stadium: More praise music, speakers, just crazy atmosphere.
4. Hotel: Bonding with the people you traveled with; room checks and bed time at midnight.
5. Repeat: Up and at 'em at 6:00 for the next morning.

There was also a massive exhibit hall with booths.



At one point a woman was walking toward me: "Wow, she looks a lot like Makayla", I was thinking to myself. Makayla is the incredible young woman who I "dotted line managed" as our church's Evangelization Coordinator over this past summer. As she got closer, I realized: "It is Makayla!" She has given her entire life over the Lord, doing NET ministries, pouring herself out for youth, running retreats-- living on a bus, and sleeping on church floors. She was the last person I expected to see in Indianapolis, yet there she was! It turned out that NET had a booth there, and so she went!

We had such a nice conversation, it was so good to see her! She is one of the holiest people I know, and I always learn a lot when I talk to her.


Confession and God's Forgiveness

During one of the evening stadium sessions, they had this sister speak-- Sister Miriam. Apparently she's a major Catholic celebrity, but it was the first time I'd seen her.

Where the convention MCs and speakers tended towards volume and expression, Sister Miriam was different: she was quiet; peaceful; smiled a lot. She spoke softly to the 17,000 people there. She talked for maybe a half hour, maybe forty-five minutes-- I lost track. But in that time, she gave me the single greatest spiritual revelation I've ever received from another human being.

Soft music started playing. Sister Miriam had us close our eyes. She was so gentle... so soft... so kind. She spoke to us: told us to put out hands over our hearts. She told us to ask the Holy Spirit to visit us-- to come inside of us. She told us to then find the place within us, where there is no sin: the inner-most sanctum of our hearts. The place where we are at more most pure. The place where we can invite Jesus in, and just be with Him.

She told us to feel God's warmth. His love. His mercy. Then, to identify-- in the deepest of the depths of our hearts: what is our very greatest sin? What truly pains us? What causes us shame? What makes us feel unlovable? She asked us: what were we feeling? What was it like? Then: Take that pain-- that shame, that blackness. And give it to Jesus. Just... hand it over to Him. All the weight. All the pain.

And that was it. The key. In that moment, God revealed to me what it is inside me that makes me shy. What makes me anxious. What keeps me separate from others-- always the barriers. Always the masks. Always the facades. Always the masquerading. The feeling of needing to escape from others.

Inside of me, there was this little locked metal chest I had never seen before. And when I tried to touch it-- tried to let Jesus inside, to open it for me-- I felt searing heat and pain. It was scalding hot. But He opened it anyway. And I finally, after all of these decades, got to see what was hidden within. And I cried. And cried. And cried. I looked up at the lights, listening to Sister Miriam's voice. And I felt God reach out and touch my heart. He told me He loved me.

Sister Miriam: "Now I want you to all go to Confession. Many of you have some dark, dark secrets inside of you. It's time to let those go, and be healed."

Many of our youth went to Confession at that time-- and came back sobbing. Tears pouring down their faces. Tears of joy. Of relief. Of happiness. The girls all hugged each other, and raised their hands in unison. Together. Towards God. Towards our Lord and Saviour. And they believed.

They were finally free.


The Pope Speaks!

During one of the stadium sessions, they live-streamed Pope Leo onto a massive screen on the stage-- again, production values off the chart! I won't repeat what he said, because you can quite literally watch the whole thing on YouTube. But my personal take was that it only reinforced everything I've already thought about him-- he has absolutely zero pretenses or ego!

At a couple of points he was uncertain about different things, such as when the stream was going to cut off at the end-- and he made not even a single attempt to mask, or disguise his uncertainty. He's so relatable! The moderator took a very familiar tone with him: at first I was squirming uncomfortably in my seat, but soon realized that it was intentional: Pope Leo prefers it that way! He seemed more comfortable conversing that way, and less comfortable during the formalities.

While his prepared statements were filled with wisdom, I actually thought it was his off-the-cuff moments which were more interesting. The moderator snuck in a question at one point which was not pre-delivered to him, and he was so thoughtful in his on-the-spot answer!

At the end of the session, they had us execute a White Sox-themed rally activity, which they'd had all of us practice before the livestream started. The moderator asked him: "We have a surprise gift for you! Are you ready?" His answer cracked me up: he chuckled, smiled, shifted in his chair a little uncomfortably, and said, "Well, I'll try to be!"

After all was done, the Pope himself gave us the final blessing-- the one and the same you hear at the end of the Mass: "May almighty God bless you, the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit." It was unbelievably profound being blessed in that familiar way, but by the spiritual direct-line successor to Peter.





Adoration, Mass, and Closing

One of the nights all 17,000 of us prayed during adoration-- which was some spectacle:




And on the final night, the entire stadium participated in the Holy Mass-- a two and a half hour Mass! But that's not the crazy part-- the crazy part was: during the opening procession, a zillion men in albs entered. At first I thought those were the priests-- but then I noticed that they were wearing stoles: those were the deacons!

Sure enough, there then followed an almost endless line of priests. Wow were there a lot of them-- sixty? More? But then the mind-blowing part: after them followed the bishops, and there were probably two dozen of them! In fact, there were so many bishops, that they were the ones who concelebrated the Mass-- and the altar servers were priests!

Following the entire opening procession then, at the very tail, was the Archbishop. If you don't believe me, Henrietta snapped a picture to prove it! All of the men in white in the sanctuary are bishops-- the priests are way off to the right, and all of the men in front, where the chairs sit, are the deacons:




After Mass, right on the heels of the Archbishop processing out-- for the final time in the entire conference-- the band struck up "Praise!". Thousands of kids stormed the stage once again. One group has a giant inflatable palm tree, and as they were hopping up and down, they lost control of it-- it flipped over and wound up bouncing all over the place! Here it was much earlier, just so you can envision how goofy it looked. Henrietta and I cried, but this time out of laughter-- we hadn't laughed that hard in years!




The Aftermath: Tears and Total Transformation



I've cried so many times since returning home-- out of total joy. I feel like a completely different person coming out of NCYC 2025 than I did going in. And this has carried over into my workplace: instead of being shy or avoiding eye contact, or making non-commital, quick "heys" or nods towards people, I've been smiling and asking everyone how they are. And people are responding to it! They can feel my joy, and several people have gone on to share details about their lives with me-- they've made themselves vulnerable.

I also want to call out that I established a super great comeraderie with the three boys who I was assigned to chaperone: I learned so much from them! During one of our nightly summaries, one of the boys shared that the highlight of his entire day was talking to me about the various ways to pray. The boys also thanked me afterwards for being such a chill, understanding chaperone-- I told them that they made it so easy for me, they are such great guys and they brought such joy into my life!

One of the highlights of the entire trip for me involved an afternoon Henrietta and I spent with an especially troubled youth. She was feeling misunderstood by everyone: the other kids, and even the adults. On the walk to the stadium on that final night, she poured out her heart to me as we lagged behind the group where no one could overhear her, telling me all her struggles with her family, in school, with her friends, and so forth. God bless her-- she just wanted someone to listen without condemning or judging-- and God's grace put us both in that situation, so that I could be there for her when she needed it.

Henrietta and I are all ready to not just book our trip for 2027, but to bring Duncan and Ellyn with us!

I've been catching up on the paper issues of "Compute!'s Gazette" which have been piling up in my closet as I've been putting almost everything on hold over the past month to get acclimated to my new job-- and in one of them I found out about FujiNet. I could barely get to sleep, I was so excited.

Many years ago, I researched what it would take to get my Atari 1040ST online-- turns out it would take hours for its Motorola 68000 just to do a single SSL handshake. The first part of FujiNet is a wireless adapter which has the hardware to do all of the cryptography stuff, leaving the computer itself clear to simply send and retrieve data. Problem solved!

The second part of FujiNet is an online "service"-- I use that term loosely, because it's all one hundred percent open and Free, both on the hardware and software sides-- which lets people host and execute software directly from the web site! So you can plug one of these FujiNet devices into a, let's say, 8-bit Atari computer from the 1970s, use the device to mount disk images from the web, and then execute that software.

If you want to print something out, the device will "intercept" the printer call, generate a PDF, and upload it to the web. So far, this is already the coolest thing I've ever heard of. But here's the craziest part: it supports real-time, online gaming. For example, they wrote a "Yahtzee" game for it, and you are literally playing online, in real-time, with other human beings, on computers from 1977.

Regular readers know I have one of these coming, maybe even as early as this month. The FujiNet contributors are currently working on a Commodore 64 version of the adapter-- needless to say I am going to try to get one of those as soon as they come out. I might even be tempted to try to write a C64 multiplayer game for it in Basic, if such a thing winds up being possible-- and I very much think it will.

A week later, and here we find ourselves at another Saturday! I really ought to try writing more during the weeks again.

Things are finally starting to settle into a routine with my new job, which feels great. A huge breakthrough came in the fact that "another me" started this past week-- it feels a bit like I have a "comrade-in-arms" now, where we're both new and trying to find our feet at the same time. That's helped me feel much more comfortable.

He's not only from Mexico, but from the same city as one of my very closest friends ("hi", if you're reading this!). I don't know what it is about Mexican culture, but they are the nicest darn people I've ever met. It's also the new fellow's first-ever time in the United States, so I've been helping him find a church, answering questions about English, the culture, and so on-- just trying to help him and his wife feel settled.

I took him to a conference room the entire day on Tuesday, and taught him a ton of stuff I wish I'd known in those first days-- but "didn't know what I didn't know", so had no way to ask. Our brand new department is now three people, and I'm excited to see how we organically start to fill roles. Already I could see it shaking out like the following, as one potential timeline:

• Our Boss: He's unbelievably good at listening to the engineers, rapidly understanding super complex flow streams, then translating those into technical solutions. I could see him overseeing the requirements and architecture.


• Me: I'm very strong on the coding side. I could see myself being the primary one to take the requirements and architecture, then implement those. I also have very good planning abilities, so I could see myself taking on de facto project management-lite stuff too.


• New Fellow: His background is that he spent years on the QA side for automotive screens and their underlying circuitry. I can easily see him being the guy who literally keeps our department functioning: doing all of the documentation, the QA testing, the deployments, managing the acceptance testing sign-offs, and so forth.

Also at work, here is the book our IT Director borrowed me, I'm about a quarter of the way through it. It's very interesting, although I'm also finding it stressful and sort of anxiety-inducing, just given the incredibly high pressure the main character is under. It strikes a little too close to home! On the right is a game my new friend at work borrowed me-- he knows how much I love 2D titles. Notice it's not a just a physical edition, but that he keeps everything in sleeves: he's very miticulous!



Today I'm going to jump into that game a bit, read some more of the book, exercise, and so forth. But my daughter and I are also leaving for NCYC overnight on Tuesday! So I need to really get my ducks in a row for that trip, being only a couple of days out. I also lector tomorrow at Mass, so I'll probably practice the readings a bit.

Today was just what the doctor ordered! For the first time in literally a month, I have an entire day to catch up on stuff. So far today I've:

• Cleaned the bathroom.
• Emptied out the vacuum cleaner.
• Vacuumed the entire basement.
• Updated my MacBook, iPhone, and Apple Watch.
• Got in my thirty minutes of cardio.
• Clipped my finger nails, shaved for the week, showered.
• Got all caught up with Pastoral Council duties.
• Got all caught up with Liturgy Committee duties.

I even got to have coffee today, for the first time since October 11-- that tasted good. For lunch, my wife Ellyn picked up a couple of stuffed crust pizzas from Papa Murphy's. Then at 15:00, Minnesota United play in what should be a thriller-- a "win or go home" playoff decider against Seattle.

Also on my list are to resume reading Paul's letters in scripture, plus read a book the IT director at my new company loaned me. I'd also like to play more of the "Gex Trilogy" on Switch 2, plus "EA Sports FC 26" on PlayStation 5.

The good news is that it won't just be today where I have time: I do train in a few new Sacristans tomorrow at church, and I am serving at the altar with Duncan-- but after Mass, I have the afternoon to continue catching up on all of the things I've been neglecting. Plus, Lazio play Inter at 13:45, which should be fun.

Next week, my evenings are looking super open as well, which is a relief after how insanely busy I've been.


Work

My new job has been a bit of a mixed bag so far. I know the Lord wants me there, at least for now, because He opened like ten doors simultaneously to set me and Ellyn up with the situation we're currently in. As I wrote in a previous post, life overall has been very satisfying, if not a little too busy due to a lack of respite.

The good parts of the job:

• The company is super Christian. People openly talk about Scripture right in our IT cube area, and everyone is pretty much just as involved with their churches as I am with mine. The people are A+ individuals, person-by-person. Even the less actively religious people, I can see the face of Christ in them and the way they treat others.


• The "floor" where they assemble these huge packaging machines is right outside of our IT door. On several days I've gotten to work large parts of the day out there, deploying and testing code right on the "HMI" devices built right into the machines. Those have been the funnest days.


• It's really nice being in an office, and building personal connections with people. I've already made at least one actual friend so far, to the point where I'm going to invite him over to play video games one of these upcoming weekends. Some days he and I go outside to puncture holes in old batteries and set them on fire, so they can be recycled-- moments like that are real highlights.

The not-so-good parts of the job:

• The commute kind of sucks. I spend about an hour driving each day. I haven't had that kind of commute to a job since 2001. So when you factor in eight-and-a-half hours of being clocked in to an hour of driving, plus chiropractor or whatever-might-be afterwards, I'm out of the house for at least ten hours a day. Then by the time I get home, get my stuff put away, and exercise, it's just about time for bed again. I'm already getting a little burned out, just one month in. Just not enough "engage in special interests" time.


• My boss is the greatest guy ever-- A+ human being, could literally not be a nicer person. But he's built a lot like me: likes to put the headphones on and crank away on fun technical problems by himself. So one month in, it's uncertain how we will be dividing up work.


• I took a huge paycut to work there, with the promise I'd get to travel quite a bit to make up for that huge pay differential-- they pay double time during travel. But in fishing details out of people in my month there, it doesn't sound like travel actually happens very often. Just to make our budget balance, Ellyn and I are having to scrimp literal dollars out of our grocery budget. I haven't had to count pennies like this since I was in my twenties-- I'm forty-four now!-- and it sucks. I feel like I'm a junior IT person again in terms of income, and beyond practical concerns some pride issues are coloring my attitude as a result. I need to pray, and get over that aspect.

Just to reiterate, I know God wants me in this job right now because of the crazy "coincidences" He lined up to make things converge-- so I'm working hard to just put my trust in Him. When He wants me to take some other step in life, He'll let me know.


Entertainment

I really enjoyed this video, showing super concrete examples of how the technical level of the video game industry has plummeted just over the past ten or fifteen years. It's pretty shocking.

A few days ago my friend at work sent me this. I immediately fell absolutely in love with it, to the point where I started my first-ever play of their initial album from 2014. In that album I've heard: reggae, lofi, traditional Japanese, dubstep, hip-hop, and "Ape Escape"-reminiscent drum n bass themes-- so there is a ton of creativity and variety going on. Plus the chunky guitar riffs mixed with their playful voices creates one of those "chocolate and peanut butter"-style lessons in contrast. It's wonderful.

Here is another example of them performing live. It's positively surreal to watch. It reminds me of the visual kei bands my sister-in-law used to listen to, where the presentation itself is a huge part of the experience. Here is another one-- amazing stuff. I asked my daughter if she has ever heard of them, and here they've been in her rotation for years! Pretty cool.


The Catholic Church

I'd like to end this post with why I'm a part of the Catholic Church. As a nominally Catholic blog, it's incredible to me that I haven't explained this before! Before I continue, let me say that some of my greatest spiritual mentors are Protestant, and I love you all. We are brothers and sisters in Christ! I absolutely believe that all of you can achieve salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ.

But why be Catholic specifically? Let me explain!

My view-- and I wouldn't have returned to the Catholic Church if I hadn't come to these conclusions, incidentally-- is that the Catholic Church is the church. It's not a "denomination"-- it's the real deal. It's the same church as one reads about in "Acts". It's the one and same church which Jesus created, and then handed over to Peter.

Someone once said to me, "God wouldn't have given us all of these churches if they weren't all viable paths." I personally disagree with that; in my view, non-Catholic churches, depending on the teachings, are committing varying degrees of apostasy. That might sound harsh at first blush-- but if one has concluded as I have that the Catholic Church pronounces the correct teachings, teachings which deviate from that by definition are apostasy. It's not so much a judgement as a simple definition of terms-- it's basic logic.

We can certainly agree to disagree-- but that is my personal view.

More on that: authority doesn't come out of thin air-- it arises naturally. Further, you can only delegate authority you have. These are elementary principles of natural law, which nominally govern our nation state, our legal system, property plus contract rights, and just about everything else.

So too natural law governs the Church. As God, Jesus delegated aspects of His divine authority to Peter, as we read in Sacred Scripture. Peter was the first Pope. When the tongues of fire came down on the Apostles at Pentecost, the Apostles then passed on the Holy Spirit to others, who then spread the church-- the Catholic Church-- all around. This is put into text in great detail in "Acts", as I mentioned before.

I've talked to many Protestants who say that believing in Jesus is literally all we need to do. That doesn't stand up for me: Satan believed in God. Ergo, belief is not enough by itself. I also have to ask, believe what about Jesus specifically? I've talked to Protestants who don't believe in baptism. I've talked to other Protestants who think baptism is literally the only path to salvation. I could name a whole bunch of concepts where Protestants are literally diametrically opposed.

Which views are correct? How do we achieve salvation if we're getting ten totally contradictory views told to us at once, all depending on which church we happen to walk into on a given weekend?

Tomorrow, I could sit down in my kitchen on my laptop and form the "Church of Mike", and declare that Jesus does not want us to believe in God-- or any other teaching I so desire. Simultaneously, I could merely turn around, and with the whoosh of my hands declare that people are married, or that sins are forgiven, or any manner of other things.

But by what authority could I make those claims? It doesn't arise naturally in me, and it wasn't delegated to me either. I'm just a dude in my kitchen. With all due respect, so was Martin Luther: he was just a dude in a kitchen. He didn't have any more authority than I have. And I mean that with all due respect: Martin Luther was a very devout Catholic, with a tremendous devotion to the Virgin Mary-- and the Church was abusing its natural authority in various ways.

But my point remains.

Every time a disagreement arises we can't just go out and create a new "Church of Mike", teaching oftentimes radically different views. That's not the solution.

Thankfully as Catholics, we don't have this problem: Christ's and the Apostles' direct successors-- those directly delegated the authority of Christ Himself-- have created two thousand years of painstaking analysis of Sacred Scripture, combined with Sacred Tradition. We Catholics call this the Deposit of Faith. It is through this Deposit that the Magesterium guides us in our understanding of Sacred Scripture, and in this way the sensus fidei-- the consensus-- is formed among the faithful.

That's not to say the Church has never erred: Priests, Bishops, Cardinals, and Popes alike are all human and thus fallible. Even the original Apostles sinned. But taken over centuries, this notion of sensus fidei and a slow-but-steady analysis, deep prayer, Tradition (Papal encylicals, revelations made directly to Saints, and so on), and consensus gives us One Source of the Truth, which is laid out in tremendous detail in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, which anyone can read online here.

Once one opens the door to this view of Faith, suddenly all of the Catholic Traditions-- saying Grace before meals, praying the Rosary, the structure of the Mass, and all of the other things Protestants sometimes roll their eyes at or find totally irrelevant, take on a whole new light accompanied by a rich world and life of spiritual orientation, reverence, and prayer becoming open for exploration and participation.

In any event and with all due respect, as I know many very holy Orthodox and Protestants, who have helped me out immensely over the years-- this is my personal perspective. And as I said earlier I axiomatically wouldn't be a Catholic if I hadn't come to these conclusions. This is my two cents!

God bless and may the peace of Christ be with you all!

Today I was Sacristan and Server for All Saints Day Mass. I even got to do incense, which I really enjoy because it adds so much reverence. After that we had Eucharistic Exposition, a beautiful Divine Mercy-inspired prayer service (regular readers know that Saint Faustina is very close to my heart), followed by Benediction, all of which I helped with too.

Tomorrow morning will be similar: I am Sacristan and Server again for All Souls Day, and we will use incense once again. After that the wife and I are headed for another "Stephen Dinner" diaconate-related meal with a bunch of other potential deacons-to-be and their wives. Then it'll be home, bed, and up bright and early for work on Monday!

On Wednesday I am training in new Sacristans and Altar Servers, which will be a great joy. Thanks to the spiritual guidance from my friend Jim, and new friend I made at work, my priest friend, and many others, I am so much more at peace. God bless all of you, you know who you are!

Hello everyone! I haven't had a single chance to write here in several days, but figured I'd drop a note to say that life is going great in general. Thank you all for the prayers over the many weeks and months-- I've turned a corner. For me, it's been work all day, then church stuff in the evenings. Even during the weekends I've been booked solid, and all of the things I am doing are very fulfilling!

This past Saturday my daughter and I got some nice bonding time, frying and packaging donuts for the youth in our Area Catholic Community to sell. On Sunday I was on Sacristan duties, so that took up a big part of the day. During the week it was work, work, and more work-- I'm absolutely loving my job, such a cool environment basically being on a factory floor, so-to-speak; forklifts driving around, working with electrical and mechanical engineers on the machines themselves... super cool job.

Yesterday I went to a men's conference for our ACC-- it started with the Bishop presiding over a morning Mass, he gave a great homily, then followed up with some wonderful speakers. After that I went home for maybe an hour, then drove right back to Confession and Mass Saturday evening.

Today I woke up at the crack of dawn and coordinated the serving of coffee and donuts after both the 8:00 and 10:00 Masses on behalf of the Pastoral Council-- so I was gone from 5:30 to about 13:30. Then I came home and watched Lazio suffer and win against Juventus of all teams, a side we basically never beat-- so that was cool.

Now tonight I am going to get my exercise in, make my lunch for tomorrow, and reply to some correspondence. I owe several people replies to things, so I apologize to those people, I've just had almost zero time in front of the MacBook of late!

This next week should be fun as well. I run the Pastoral Council meeting on Tuesday night, then run the Liturgy Committee on Wednesday night. We will be discussing All Saints and All Souls day liturgies, among myriad other topics. I am both Altar Server and Sacristan on both Saturday and Sunday then this upcoming weekend, so lots of liturgical involvement for me-- it's something I really relish.

Right after the Sunday Mass, I will be heading over to another friend's house for the Vikings game, with a bunch of other men either in or interested in the diaconate.

On to some not-so-good news: one of my very best friends at church-- and one of other other Sacristans-- fell out of his deer stand. He's 75 years old and suffered a brain bleed, so please hold him in your prayers. Simultaneously, our other Sacristan is stepping down from weekend duties-- so it's down to just me now in weekends! I'm going to ask around and see if we can get someone else to help me out.

As for wifey, she has been just as busy, and also loving it. We just looked at each other a couple of nights ago, and talked over each other saying the same sentence: "I've never been more busy, and have never felt more fulfilled." All of these activities, being in service to others, gives such meaning to life in a way sitting home playing video games simply can't.

God bless everyone!

Here are just a handful of things from Jesus's teachings which have been super influential on me:

Matthew 7:1-3 - This is the famous "plank in your own eye" teaching. I used to expend so much energy on constantly judging other people for perceived shortcomings-- so this teaching feels tailor-made for me. Absorbing it has completely changed how I see others. We are all God's beloved children; we are all fallen creatures with original sin; we're all trying to survive through suffering in this fallen world. We should love and support one another, and focus on ourselves with regards to becoming more holy.

Matthew 18:23-35 - This teaching drilled into me the critical importance of mercy and forgiveness. How many times in my life was I shown mercy by others, and failed to repay it in turn? How many times did the Lord show me mercy, and I turned around and sinned against Him? I decided to start changing all of that. It's been difficult, but I've made progress.

Mark 11:20-24 - The power of prayer. "So I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." It's so poignant I was moved to tears when I read this teaching, and I still get emotional thinking about it. It reminds me of Peter walking on the water-- but then he experiences doubt and a lack of faith, and he begins to sink. We must have faith!

Luke 6:32-35 - Even sinners love those who love them! Love even those who do not love you, even those who revile you. This lesson of selflessness has been hugely influential on my thinking. I think it resonated with me in part because it's so logical! A corrollary teaching is, even Satan believes in God, so belief alone doesn't warrant you any credit! It was one of those "oh, duh!" moments when I read this teaching for the first time.

Luke 12:22-31 - Don't worry! The Lord will provide. He provides for the birds, right? And how much more value are you than a bird? Again, so logical-- it makes so much sense! "And can any of you by worrying add a single hour to your span of life?" That one has gone a long way in helping me gradually shed my anxiety issues.

John 8:28-30 - The Father will be with us if we do what is pleasing to Him. Also, we do nothing on our own! This also helped relieve me of my anxiety: as long as we're acting according to His will, he will take care of the outcomes-- after all, it's not us doing these things, it's the Father doing them! That takes so much pressure off.

I started my new job on Monday, and it has been a whirlwind since then! I've been really trying to put my best foot forward, not just to make a good impression at work, but also as thanks to God for providing me with this opportunity-- all work aligned with His will is sanctified. As a result though, I've been putting in long days-- add to that the commute, and it's been a "leave in the morning in the pitch black, come home at sunset" kind of deal.

Then last night I helped with an unusual "Founding Feast" Mass for my church-- I just sort of jumped in, got everything prepped for the Mass and for Father, put on the alb and served, plus did all of the lectoring. But I didn't get home from that until well after 21:00 last night-- so I was "going" straight from 5:30 to 21:30, straight from work to church to bed.

Tonight though I'm hoping to play some "EA Sports FC 26", then watch an episode or two of "BFDI" with my daughter after she gets home from work. The wife is also picking up my birthday cake tonight-- I turn forty-four tomorrow-- so we'll probably watch the episodes while eating said cake.

As for work, I'll write more when I have more mental energy, feeling very tired right now-- haven't been sleeping well, but I think that will improve as I get into the new groove. It's a super cool company though, I'm extremely happy with how their systems integrate, the people there, the culture, and so forth. A+ company. I get along super well with my boss, which is a huge positive as well. I've spent the past three days teaching myself the underlying technologies, I think I have it mostly down now.

I do feel like actual work is a little light however. But it's literally a brand new team we're forming, and I'm member two-- which will give me a ton of influence over how our processes get formed. We have a third member starting in a month or two. I'm very excited to be on the ground floor of this new team, tomorrow I'm going to work with our IT Director on getting a project set up in their Azure DevOps instance, and work with my boss to start defining user stories. I might take on the hat of being pseudo-project manager, since I have a passion for that.

More to come in future days!

I haven't tried to write a homily in over a month, I've been so busy! I'm putting that right today: here is something I wrote up for this Sunday's readings.


Rebirth

Give me a show of hands-- who here has ever gone through a big change in their life? It could be a big career change, some kind of positive personal growth, or maybe something negative like sickness... who has gone through any of these sorts of alterations in their lives?

So we all know, change is hard! Oftentimes, it hurts!

But by its very definition, it's also transformational! I mean, isn't that what change is? Dictionary.com tells me that change means "to transform or convert". For example, it says, "The witch changed the prince into a toad." Now, I think if I ask for another show of hands about who has ever been turned into a toad, I'm not going to get many takers-- well, I hope not at least!

But we've all gone through change, or transformations in our lives, no doubt-- and the earlier show of hands proves it.

The one constant thing with change is that we feel different after it-- it's that "transformational" aspect of change I mentioned before. I don't know how many of you know this, but I was away from the Faith for about twenty years. I was baptized Catholic, was Confirmed, but I strayed from our ever-loving God in my twenties and thirties.

Maybe some day I could discuss my whole personal testimony-- but that can be for another time. Suffice it to say for now, one day I decided to return. I went to Confession, went to Mass, then within a matter of months I was a Lector, Sacristan, Alter Server, and helping on a bunch of different committees.

This may come as a surprise to a lot of you, but I am a hugely shy person, naturally. As a small child I was one of those kids who would barely stick his face out from behind mom's pant leg when confronted with strangers. Even in high school, I barely said a peep to anyone!

So when the Holy Spirit started directing me to put myself out there in all of these myriad ways, it was super scary! To the point where I felt like my old self-- the shy guy who used to just sit in his bedroom playing video games-- had died, and a new me in Christ was born. Like I was a new person! I even had people tell me that-- "You know Mike, I barely even recognize your personality, you've changed so much."

Selfishness was replaced with putting myself in service to others.

And it hurt-- at first! At heart I was still that super shy person. It's hard to let go of old habits, old ways of being. But eventually the graces and blessings, both to me personally but also to those whom I was serving, became very evident. Now I can't even imagine being my old self-- that "me" is gone, and in its place is a "me" that has grown deeply in Faith and love.

And similarly, think of change in your own life-- sometimes it can result in what feels like loss, but other times it can be super positive! A happy marriage, the birth of a child, the switch into an exciting new job or career, and so forth.

In our first reading today, we are told that a leper named Naaman plunged into the Jordan seven times and "his flesh became again like the flesh of a little child and he was clean of his leprosy." Ok, can anyone tell me which of the sacraments "plunging into the Jordan"-- into water-- reminds you of?

Yes, Baptism!

Even though Naaman was nominally going into the water at the beckoning of Elisha to be cured of leprosy, there is an obvious analogy to Baptism here as well! The old Naaman-- the leper version-- died, and a new Naaman, a cured one, was born! So there is that change we've been talking about-- and a super positive one for Naaman at that! Not only was he cured of his physical ailments, but he declared that he would no longer offer sacrifices to other gods-- only to the Lord!

So just like in my personal testimony earlier, Naaman-- through a baptism of sorts-- was transformed not just physically, spiritually as well! But it's even more pronounced than that.

Being a leper sucks. Not only for the physical ailment, but also because as a leper, you are unclean. Think back to The Old Testament Law-- it talks about being unclean, about not interacting with someone who is unclean, about not eating unclean foods, and so on. So as a leper, you are excluded from the community.

So what do we as Catholics believe Baptism does? Our Catechism tells us that "through Baptism we are freed from sin and reborn as sons of God; we become members of Christ; are incorporated into the Church".

In other words, in Baptism our old self-- the original sin version of us, the "unclean" version, dies. And in its stead, a new version of us in Jesus is born! But not only that, we are then incorporated into the Church-- into communion! Into the family! Into the community!

This scripture reading is pretty awesome, because it gives us this great, easy-to-remember, multi-layered allegory to help us understand the power of not just Baptism, but the continual spiritual growth we should all be constantly undertaking, even after Baptism! Paul tells us in the second reading that "If we have died with him we shall also live with him", and who here doesn't want to live with our glorious Father, eternally, in heaven, our hearts united with His?

The Gospel reading for today also has this same message. In it we hear of ten-- once again-- lepers who were cured. Only one of them actually returns to Jesus to give thanks. To the one who returned, Jesus says "Stand up and go; your faith has saved you." So we can see that our transformations into better people-- our rebirths-- must also result in us giving praise to God. We must have faith to grow!

So just like when I returned to the Church and the "old" me died, so too I-- and all of you!-- continue to be "reborn" into new and better selves, more united with our heavenly Father's will than ever. And if you ever need to remind yourself or reflect further about the nature of spiritual transformation, just think of the leper Namaan plunging himself into the river Jordan, and hopping out praising God!

Let me leave you with a Saint Vincent Ferrer quote: "Every baptized person should consider that it is in the womb of the Church where he is transformed from a child of Adam to a child of God." So I exhort you using the same words as Peter: repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins; and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.

Gex is one of the best platformers I have ever played. It's up there with "Sonic 3 & Knuckles", or "Super Mario Bros. 3"-- it's in that absolute top-drawer of all-time classics thanks to its beautiful artwork, amazing soundtrack, cool core mechanics, and phenomenal level design.

My "Limited Run" physical edition of the new "Gex Trilogy" collection came in yesterday, for Switch. I was hoping it would become the definitive way to play Gex, similar to what the "Sonic Origins" collection is to those original Genesis games. But unfortunately the experience is a bit of a Gexdown.

There are two primary issues: first, their re-implementation in their "Carbon Engine" uses the assets, and emulates the lousy special effects, from the inferior PlayStation port of the game, not the 3DO original! Second, there is no way to remap the buttons, and they swapped "jump" and "tail whip" from how the 3DO controls were laid out, causing me to fight against thirty years of muscle memory.

Regarding the first problem: both the 3DO and PSX had one meg of VRAM. The 3DO could do arbitrary color-depth assets-- so developers could squeeze every last bit of that VRAM by using, let's say, 7-bit assets, or 6-bit, or so forth. But the PSX could only do powers of two! So basically every single 3DO-to-PSX port looks super dithered and color-bandey on Sony's platform, because they had to drop all the way down to 4-bit color depth assets: "BattleSport", "Road Rash", "PO'ed", and "Star Fighter" are just a few examples.

Gex is another. These aren't the best screenshots, but look at the super obvious color banding in the PSX version-- pay attention to the sky aligned with the moon-- then take a peek at the 3DO original. I wish these were "apples to apples"-- the PSX one is all blurry for some reason-- but you get the idea.

As well, the 3DO version had fancier special effects which were not as easily possible on the PSX and had to be dumbed down-- for example, the 3DO version scales the whole screen when going through doorways, which is pretty neat. Not to mention, the 3DO original also has that amazing 480i output, which always makes 3DO titles look super glossy and high quality-- something the collection can't capture.

All-in-all, I enjoy playing the original game on the 3DO much, much more than the remade one in this collection, despite the collection's rendition running at 60 fps. At least the collection has a decent CRT filter. I was never a fan of the 3D ones back in the day, but I'll give those a go in this collection too.


Bible Book Summaries

Similar to what I published via this post, I made another set of "cheat sheets" for myself, but this time to summarize all of the Bible books in a quick glance:








New Job Soon

I start my new job on Monday, really looking forward to it-- getting a little stir-crazy sitting around home for the past few months. I hope a new routine fixes my sleep-- I haven't had a good night's sleep in almost three weeks now, cumulative fatigue setting in. Kids and I are doing the "Pizza Ranch" buffet today-- should be delicious!

My dad signed up for a Spotify account and was asking for album suggestions. So I figured, why not dust off my list and re-post it?

1. Rising Force - Yngwie Malmsteen (1984)
2. Resurrection - Galneryus (2010)
3. Invictus - Virgin Steele (1998)
4. Angel of Salvation - Galneryus (2012)
5. Rust in Peace - Megadeth (1990)
6. Dust to Dust - Heavenly (2004)
7. V: The New Mythology Suite - Symphony X (2000)
8. Phoenix Rising - Galneryus (2011)
9. Trilogy - Yngwie Malmsteen (1988)
10. Images and Words - Dream Theater (1991)
11. Epica - Kamelot (2003)
12. Hall of the Mountain King - Savatage (1987)
13. Power Plant - Gamma Ray (1998)
14. Land of the Free - Gamma Ray (1995)
15. Crystal Logic - Manilla Road (1983)
16. No Smoke Without Fire - Anthem (1990)
17. Destiny - Stratovarius (1998)
18. Ecliptica - Sonata Arctica (1999)
19. Sign of the Winner - Heavenly (2001)
20. Dawn of Victory - Rhapsody (2000)
21. Defying the Rules - Hibria (2004)
22. The Black Halo - Kamelot (2005)
23. Chapters from a Vale Forlorn - Falconer (2002)
24. Domestic Booty - Anthem (1992)
25. Temple of Shadows - Angra (2004)

As an added bonus, here are some metal-related YouTube videos I return to over and over again, in no particular order:

• Yngwie Malmsteen - Far Beyond the Sun live.
• Galneryus - Tear Off Your Chain live.
• Galneryus - Departure Cover, (the "Hunter x Hunter" opening song) live.
• Heavenly - Virus live.
• Rainbow - Kill the King live.
• Gamma Ray - Razorblade Sigh live.

I've been playing some PSVR2 off-and-on over the past few weeks, and recorded a short montage video of some funny things from both the "Arizona Sunshine Remake" and "Arken Age". I also found myself snapping a lot of screenshots, click on any of them for the full-sized versions.

While I was praying a couple of nights ago, the Holy Spirit told me to study the virtues. So I hopped over to my laptop, did some research, and wrote up the below reference sheet:



This has already helped me a ton! I was frustrated by something very recently, and a church friend told me the same thing my friend Jim has been saying, just in different words: her way of putting it was to let the Holy Spirit guide me, and if I'm allowing that to happen then I needn't worry beyond that.

As I was putting the above sheet together, I realized that I was lacking in all of these to varying degrees, but in some far more than others. And it's those shortfalls which are causing me to, for instance, exhibit anger after a frustrating experience rather than meekness. That's just one example, there are others.

Also as I was praying that night, words rapidly formed in my head. I reached for the pencil as quickly as I could and jotted them down, unsure if they meant anything meaningful or not.

1. Condemn those who lie.
2. Pursue truth and light.
3. Exhort others to sin no more.
4. Wield God as sword and shield.
5. Pursue virtue as the path to righteousness.
6. Be a parent to all but with the humility of a child.
7. Love the sinner.
8. Strive for reconciliation.
9. Woe to those who seek death.
10. Experience rebirth into new light.
11. The foolhardy value tradition over prophecy.

Most of these seem self-explanatory, but I was confused by a couple of them. Number 6, be a parent to all? I suppose that's some variance of helping shepherd people towards God? Number 9, the seeking death one is interesting, I took that metaphorically-- replace "death" with "sin".

But the last one, number 11, totally stumped me-- I might ask my priest friend if it means anything to him. I may have also written it down backwards: maybe it was "prophecy over tradition"? That one came very fleetingly, not sure if I "heard" it properly. It may just be gibberish too.

My friend Jim sent me some more faith-related advice, which I thought I'd share with the rest of you!

He relayed to me that the Bible isn't something which is meant to be read like a book, cover-to-cover-- rather, it's something where you pick out pieces and prayerfully meditate on them. The good news is that I've already been keeping that in mind! I fell into that mistake with the Old Testament a couple of years ago and got burnt out, because contextually I had no idea what I was even reading half the time.

But the reminder was still timely, in the sense that I've been viewing scripture in two ways: the first is as a source of study, which is what I've been writing about here. I read the Gospels, then Acts since it follows those, and now I'm on a Paul kick. But I'll go wherever I feel inspired next, taking lots of notes as I go. I really want to treat this as a "first pass" on scripture, then I can spend the rest of my life doing deep dives. For now I feel like I just need to read it!

The second-- and this is where the reminder is especially helpful-- is to incorporate scripture more into my prayer life using techniques like Lectio Divina. And this is what my friend is getting at: pausing, praying, and reflecting. I haven't quite figured out the best way. My priest friend suggested the Magnificat, which has the daily Mass in it along with reflections for the readings-- he uses it to help himself with writing homilies for the week day Masses, for instance.

Another thing my friend said to me is to focus on God, who He is, and what He says about me. My friend thinks I'm trying to control outcomes-- and he's absolutely, one hundred percent correct.

His suggestion is to discern, in all aspects but in particular related to my church involvement, what am I being called by the Lord to do, versus what do I feel obligated to do to "help out". For those things in the former category, God will direct me and handle the outcomes! For the things in the latter category, He has no obligation to see them succeed, which makes sense.

Interestingly, I'd been talking to my wife about this just a few days ago, and it's a work-in-progress. Things I am completely and absolutely sure I'm being called to do: apply to the diaconate; and my liturgical ministry involvement. He's given me zillions of totally obvious signs and signals regarding those-- I'm stubborn and wasn't listening, so He continually amped them up until I did listen.

But some of the other things, I'm not so certain about. They fall in various places on the spectrum of "I'm not sure if I'm called", to "I kind of got myself roped into this one, and it's not necessarily a great fit." If I do get accepted into the diaconate formation, I am perfectly comfortable with setting some boundaries and rolling off of certain things-- because I'll have to; borne out of necessity!

The final thing my friend is helping me with are my sleep issues. He sent me the following: Proverbs 3:24; 2 Tim 1:7; Psalm 4:8; Isaiah 26:3. All of those are absolutely fantastic-- I will sit with and absorb them. My current sleep issues seem to be Circadian Rhythm based; I think I did a number on myself during those super stressful weeks recently. I've been feeling really good from an anxiety standpoint lately, yet the sleep has still been very poor.

I feel very blessed to have people like Jim and my priest friend, helping me through my fledgling spiritual journey!

Been a few days since I've posted, not a whole heck of a lot going on! The wife and I have our insurance situations all-but-finalized now, basically just ready to put pen to paper-- so that's a relief! Helped our ninety year-old priest last Monday, then led a Pastoral Council meeting on Tuesday.

I start my new job on October 13-- just two weeks away, I'm super excited to finally be back into a job I think I'll love-- which being totally frank, hasn't been the case since 2004 when I worked at that non-profit place.

Other than that, have finally been able to get back to some video games! I started playing "Donkey Kong Bananza" again. It's a good game, but there's no aspect of it which is making me love it; actually, it's kind of overstaying its welcome a bit, and from the looks of a walkthrough I'm not even half-way through the game, which isn't a good sign.

I also started up "Astro Bot", another game I never finished. I'm on what looks like the last level, and am seven bots away from one hundred percent according to the in-game counter. This last level says it contains five of those, not certain where the last two will be. I also on a whim started up "Gran Turismo 7", at some point they added "weekly challenges", and I was actually having a lot of fun with those yesterday, earning some big cash!

Also at some point, they added my wife's car, the GR Corolla! It's the version of the car with no back seats in the game, but cosmetically and from the outside it looks identical to our real life example: carbon fiber roof, black accent pieces like the rear spoiler, and so forth. They even had it in white in the game! So now if I could ever rope the wife into it, we could race our real-life cars against each other right in the game: GR86 versus GR Corolla!

I also appreciate the PS5 Pro enhancements in the game: you can get ray-traced reflections in race, with the 120 Hz mode and VRR enabled! I don't know what framerate it's hitting exactly, but it's definitely higher than sixty as it looks insanely smooth, and at a reconstructed 4K resolution to boot.

Outside of video games, we have a big overnight campout at our church tonight. As part of that my friend Gary and I are going to cobble together a makeshift outdoor A/V setup so people can watch movies outdoors via a projector we have. Should be a great time, pot-luck dinner as well. Anyone who lives in my area is more than welcome to stop by!

I talked to my priest friend last night about this post, and as always he explained everything to me in a way even I can understand!

Regarding the Saint Faustina bit, he cautioned me to remember that she was being asked to do extraordinary things-- and that the diary was a private writing: she was most likely telling herself what she needed, in that moment, to feel closer to God. His suggestion was that I not generalize too much from it beyond that.

About St. Paul, he said that Paul uses "works" in three different ways through his writings-- so each time you encounter that word, you need to very carefully deduce which "works" he's referring to. Generally speaking, he talks a lot about how blind adherence to the law does not obtain for you salvation-- that you need to believe in and love God for salvation. So in the passage I quoted, this is most likely what Paul was talking about.

As for the James portion, it's kind of "what you see is what you get"-- his point is very clear, and there isn't anything present which Paul would necessarily disagree with.


Mega Drive Appreciation

My dad bought a Sega Genesis for us in early spring, 1990-- so we were early adopters for sure! Only a handful of games were out. As you can see, a huge chunk of my favorite games of all time list is from that platform. I loved it as a kid, and still love the Genesis today! After the 3DO, it's my second favorite game system of all time.

• The VDP: Sega's engineers from that era were incredible at making VDPs. Compare the graphics capabilities of the Master System to the NES, for example-- not even close. In the case of the Mega Drive, that sucker can do parallax scrolling like nobody's business, and the output is so unbelievably smooth compared to the PC Engine or Super NES that even when comparing 60 fps titles across them, somehow the Genesis games move like butter in comparison. It's hard to even describe.


• The CPU: I don't know how Sega managed to fit this into the bill of materials for a $200 video game system, but they crammed a freaking Motorola 68000 into the design. Just a few years prior the 68k was reserved only for very expensive (by comparison) computers, like the Atari ST or Amiga. Or for military use. Having one of these monsters in a cheap games console continues to blow my mind to this day.


• The Audio: With all due respect to people who prefer DSP music, for my money absolutely nothing is better than FM synthesis. The flexibility of being able to bend, merge, and deform waveforms is unparalleled, as it can produce any sound the programmer can dream of, in a warping, flexing, analog kind of way. The Yamaha YM2612 in the Genesis is the little brother to sound chips in almost every arcade machine from the 80s-- a match made in heaven for the VDP and CPU in terms of bringing the arcade experience home!

I like a lot of NES and Super NES games too, but for me from a subjective standpoint the Genesis library is the best of all time. Every single genre is amply accounted for with some of the best games in those genres ever made. And any time Sega went out to "clone" a genre leader, they wound up producing some of the most atmospheric, dark, moody video games material ever made.

Just to name one genre example, I will absolutely take the Genesis RPG library over any other platform. When I'm exploring a dungeon in "Sword of Vermilion", or watching the opening to "Phantasy Star II", or entering the maze in "Shining in the Darkness", everything from the way the artwork is drawn to the insane music gives me goosebumps, in a way that the "Final Fantasy" games or something simply don't.


In the Clear

I've finally got the insurance questions all answered, and are ready to hop right into my new job on October 13! It has felt like a full-time job trying to get all of this figured out, but I'm finally there! This will free up a lot of time for me over the next couple of weeks, thank the Lord! Now I can get back to scripture again.

The wife and I met with my new employer's health insurance broker, and it turns out that the health co-op is going to save us an astronomical amount of money. How it works is that instead of paying for health insurance for the employees all of the time, it's actually cheaper for them to cover catastrophic events if and when they happen! Then if one does occur, they open up a policy for that individual and use what's called and ICHRA to pay the deductible.

The only use case where it results in potentially net-negative for the company is when people have pre-existing conditions. So in my wife's case, we are going to get a policy just for her, to cover the prescriptions and procedures she needs to routinely have done. And then, my employer picks up part of the monthly premium for that policy-- while the kids and I will use the co-op for catastrophic scenarios instead.

On the car insurance side, we're shifting to State Farm-- they gave us a super low rate, and my wife's friend who worked there for many years, said that they are wonderful to deal with both from price and service standpoints. So I think we'll be in good shape!

Oof has my sleep been poor the past four-odd nights. I've been sleeping from maybe 21:30 to 1:30 or 2:00, then I'll wake up to use the bathroom and basically not fall back to sleep. Brutal! I think once I get past this week things will get a little better for me-- just a lot on my mind with the insurance situations and the like.

There is a super well known and highly respected priest in my area who is ninety years old, and still says the Mass as a substitute, among many other things. A bunch of us Knights are getting together this afternoon to help him with a huge list of things he needs done on his property: removing bushes, laying down some soil, edging his driveway, and so forth. Then we're having a big grill out.

Tomorrow I run the next Pastoral Council meeting. Wednesday, Space's sister has her next Confirmation class. I'm largely off the hook on Thursday, but then I run a Liturgy Committee meeting on Friday. Saturday we're having an all-day event at our church: grilling, a bonfire, hayrides, an outdoor movie, followed by a campout where people can bring their campers and sleep on the grounds overnight if they want. Should be a great time! Then on Sunday morning I'm sacristan for the 8:30 Mass.


NCYC

One of the things I'm most excited for is this event called NCYC-- the National Catholic Youth Conference. Space's sister is going, as am I as a chaperone. I've heard from everyone who has gone to these in the past that they are absolutely unforgettable from a catechetical and inspirational standpoint. We're going to load up a huge bus of kids and travel out there that way.

As part of this though, she is working to raise a fairly decent amount of money to fund her trip. If everyone who reads this site could take a peek at the things she's selling, it would be enormously appreciated! And if you can't support her by buying anything, that's ok-- say a prayer for the safety of our travels, or for the event to bring about conversions!

• Butter Braid pastry dough: You can buy this from her online via this link. I've heard that it's super good!


• Ole & Lena's pizza: View the catalog here. This one is limited to people who have a way to directly contact me via email, Discord, Signal, and so forth. This company has a ton of specialty pizzas-- I've had a couple of them in the past and they were excellent!


• Rada Cutlery: View the catalog here. Similar to the previous one, just reach out to me if you're interested!


• Tiny Saints: You can see the selection here, but don't buy through the website-- contact me if you're interested. I'm going to order a Saint Faustina one for myself.

Again, any support you can provide is greatly appreciated! And please pass these links to others if you know of someone else who might be interested.

I haven't been reading Saint Faustina's diary lately, so I decided to jump back into it last night. I came across this part:



This reminded me a lot of Paul's letter to the Romans, 4:1-8:



Both of them seem to say, faith and love are the most important things and the works are secondary-- or at least that works can not stand without faith. But then you have James, 2:14-24:



He places a huge priority on works, going so far as to say faith alone will not save you-- that works are required to demonstrate that faith. What's particularly fascinating is that both Paul and James quote the exact same passage regarding Abraham, but then use it to make slightly different points.

I need to reflect on these teachings some more. I certainly don't think they are contradictory-- but the arguments are nuanced.

Had a really nice conversation with my dad yesterday, where we worked through some of the stress and anxiety we're both feeling. In his case, he has thousands of dollars of hospital bills, is trying to get short-term disability renewed, has no clue if he'll ever be able to return to his old job, and so forth-- so much uncertainty. He's not used to being bombarded with so many things at once.

In my case I've been feeling really overwhelmed with intense feelings of nostalgia, trying to get my health and car insurance situations settled, worries about my new job, concerns about the next steps in the diaconate application process, a lot of stress and lack of confidence about a couple of church committee meetings I need to run next week, and so forth. It just feels like so much at once, and my brain has never dealt with "the unknown" very well.

But after talking to him, we worked out together that the solution is to replace the negative thinking with positive thinking: the overwhelming evidence suggests that everything will work out fine, so it's a matter of reconditioning our brains to view future events as opportunities rather than moments of dread or worry.

Other than all of that, I've just been working through the Bible some more. I finished Acts, and was disappointed that it ended-- I turned the page, and it was over! Now I'm parsing through Paul's letter to the Romans: it's so densely packed that I need to stop after every sentence to make sure I'm tracking with him-- because if you miss even one sentence, you start to lose his train of thought, since he systematically builds the ideas up. His preaching must have been astonishing to listen to. I'm taking a boat load of notes, and learning a lot.

I also started playing this on my Switch 2 via the GBA emulator yesterday, it's a lot of fun so far! I really like the art style, the music is good, the story is interesting, and so on. It was the first time the series ever came out in North America, so it's just straight-up called "Fire Emblem" here in the States. The main battle song reminds me of the overworld tune from "Phantasy Star III".

What a ridiculous post I made earlier today! I was tempted to clobber it out of the database, but decided to leave it as a reminder of what happens when I get all of the perspective wrong. Silly me!

I'm right in the middle of reading "Acts", and the disciples of the burgeoning early church traveled all over the place, from Antioch to Cypress to Athens-- Did they have 401ks? Did they have health insurance? What did the Israelites eat for forty years in the desert? The Lord provides, wherever we go! As long as we keep the will of our hearts aligned with the will of the Father, He will give us what we need!

What does Jesus say to Martha? When has worrying added even a day to your lifespan. Instead, we should turn to praise God continually for all of the blessings He has showered on us. Like Mary in the Magnificat! I think I need to just recite that when I'm experiencing a lack of gratitude.


Scriptural Questions

Both of the priests for my church cluster are so helpful when it comes to answering theological questions! In particular I often ask scriptural questions from our parochial vicar-- he's literally about the nicest guy you'll ever meet, and he's very patient with even my most elementary musings. Just in the past day I asked him a few questions, and he got back to me with super helpful answers. I figured I'd share them here, but re-written in my own words to help me process and understand the teachings.

The first question I asked him was, I was struggling to reconcile free will with prophesy. For example, did Judas have free will? When Jesus told him that Judas would betray him, could Judas have then "changed his mind" and "proved Jesus wrong", so-to-speak?

Father's reply was along the lines of this: God is omniscient, and so knows everything we will do. Nothing happens apart from God allowing it-- even our existence itself. But at the same time, it's helpful to think of the references from Jesus's life as being more prophetic than causal; God is the cause of everything, but not in a way which prevents the exercise of free will. Put another way, God knows everything we are going to do, and plans accordingly-- or rather, planned since the beginning of time.

The second question I asked was, when Jesus says he "did not come to bring peace, but a sword", how should I take that with regards to my own evangelization efforts? Is it better to meet people where they are and build relationships that way-- or is that too indirect?

His reply was to the effect of, there will be times when we will be in ultimatum situations, where we have to choose between unity, or truth. In those situations, we need to choose Jesus. But that doesn't mean we are in ultimatum situations all of the time! All of that said, if we find ourselves never in conflict, we are probably not being witnesses to our Faith in the way Jesus calls us to be. In the end, each situation requires discernment; sometimes it will result in division, other times in relationship building.

The third question I asked Father was, do we all have the power to perform miracles-- particularly of a healing nature? For example, could any of us command demons out of people, like the apostles and other disciples did?

His reply was to direct me towards 1 Corinthians, 12-- which I immediately went and read, and which instantly cleared up a lot of my confusion on this matter. He went on to say, we don't perform miracles-- God performs the miracles. The Holy Spirit bestows on us each unique gifts and charisms. Faith is required for miracles, but the Faith itself must also be a gift! This got me thinking, what is the best way to discern each of our own charisms? I need to ask him more on this subject.

I've been under a lot of stress recently, which is making it difficult to relax. Almost feels like a full-time job, just trying to figure all of this out! I think if I can write it all out, it will help me offer the discomfort up to the Lord:

• I start at my new job on October 13. It's job I think I'll love, which is great, and which is why I took it.


• The job's pay is highly variable depending on how much travel is involved. With no travel, it's a substantial pay cut from what I make now. With thirty percent travel, which is the likely estimate for this role which they gave me, it's a significant pay raise from what I make currently. We're talking a swing of over $60k per year from zero travel, to thirty percent travel.


• Common sense tells me that there will be a period of time, perhaps even many months, where I won't be traveling at all, as I get onboarded. This is speculation on my part, but it stands to reason.


• My wife also lost her job very recently. She is done at the end of the month. That's between $500 and $1500 worth of lost income per month.


• The previous two bullets mean I will probably have a period of time where I will need to pay the bills on a fraction of the income I'm used to.


• The good news is that I get paid full-time severance from my old employer, through the end of June 2026. If the travel for my new job can ramp up before that ends, I should be fine. But if it doesn't, I could be in real trouble cash flow-wise.


• Compounding the uncertainty is that my new employer does not offer a conventional health insurance plan. Actually, what they offer is much better for most people: it's a paid-for-by-the-company "pay as you go" sort of deal, for preventative care and for large unexpected expenses. For most of their employees, this saves them an unfathomable amount of money, not having to pay for health insurance.


• The problem is, my wife has lots of health issues, and depends on these thousands of dollars per month-- if paid out-of-pocket-- infusions of a particular drug. This means we will need to buy our own health insurance. I should get some kind of estimate for what this will cost next week; I'm working with a local company to help me figure it out. It could be $2000 per month, or more, of which my employer will pay $250 per month.


• Simultaneously, I was hit with a $4400 car insurance bill, for six months. My insurance agent accidentally added my daughter to the policy as a licensed driver, even though she presently only has her permit. The bill goes from $4400 down to $2700, with her removed. $2700 is still a "family bankrupting" level of expense, just to insure motor vehicles for six months.


• I kicked off conversations with a broker yesterday, who is going to price shop car insurance and home owner's insurance bundles for me. I should also find out about that next week. The good news is that I've run my information through a few different car insurance aggregation sites, such as "The Zebra", and got estimates as low as $1271 for six months. So I'm hoping this broker can come through for me.


• But if they can't, there is an alarming aspect: are my kids going to be able to drive at all? Imagine once I try to add both of my kids to the car insurance in a few years. What's that going to cost-- $15,000 per year? It'll be so expensive, it's probably cheaper for them to take a cab to and from work every day, versus having driver's licenses. Or to rent a car or something.


• In conclusion, there is a lot of uncertainty regarding my short-term financial situation. I'm not used to having to stress about money-- welcome to the club, I guess.


• From here you start to get into the non-financial concerns: will I get accepted to the diaconate program? If so, will my travel schedule permit me to study enough? Will I still have enough time to spend with my family?

Here's to hoping I can relax a little this afternoon and tonight.

Horrible, unthinkable violence being committed in the country right now: first we had Catholic school children shot dead literally through stained glass windows while celebrating the Holy Mass; then we had a beautiful young Ukrainian refugee brutally and senselessly murdered from behind in a subway car; and now Charlie Kirk has been assassinated.

That's a lot to process, all in a very short time.

Please pray for Charlie's soul and that the perpetrator can be brought to justice. Please pray for the families of the victims. And pray that these events don't lead to a wider conflagration within the country. Also pray for the conversions of the souls who would perpetrate, excuse, or condone the aforementioned acts of violence, that they make walk in the peace of Christ.

Finally feeling better! Was able to unpause the "rings" on my phone for the first time in five days-- by far the longest period I've gone in two years without being able to exercise.

My chiropractors are super excited that I'm hardcore into studying scripture-- I was in today and one of them asked me how the studying was going. I've finished the Gospels-- took a ton of notes-- and have moved on to Acts, which I'm really enjoying so far. In just a little bit dinner will be done, wife's dad is making ham, with brussels sprouts from the garden. Looking forward to that.

Hoping Space's sister can get caught up to us in "Twin Peaks" so the three of us can watch the third episode. I just need to get her through the first two-- which is a bit of a struggle with her work schedule, she's been putting in a ton of hours at Culver's, and loving it I might add. And that first pilot episode is a doozie, it's like a full-length movie.

They are looking for an altar server for a wedding this time, not this Saturday but the one after. I'm going to pray about it tonight-- Lord, is this more deacon prep? But on the flip side, I'd imagine for the big day, wouldn't someone want a kid to be the server, and not a grown adult? I'm sort of waiting to see if anyone else steps up, just for that reason.

Jesus had many incredible parables, but one of my favorites is this one-- this particular account of it is from Matthew 21:33-44:



Of course, this gave the Pharisees and the scribes major pause-- followed by anger: "Wait a minute... he's talking about us, isn't he..." But it's a cautionary tale to not just them, but all of us! If we are not going to be good stewards of God's graces, then He will find someone who will be.

I noticed that very early in Acts when I was reading it yesterday, Peter reminded everyone who was listening that Jesus is the rejected stone, which became the cornerstone.

It's been a few days since writing, and there is a good reason: Space, myself, and Space's mom were all basically stuck in bed with illness! The three of us felt like we could barely stand up on Wednesday and Thursday. It was only yesterday that we started to feel better. This morning I was recovered enough to help out at the First Saturday Mass and Adoration, although in that recovery I still felt felt pretty weak and zoned out.

I did talk to Father today and he has been in touch with the diaconate office, sounds like multiple times all told-- so things are moving forward on that front!

I really enjoyed this article, about the differences between proselytizing and evangelizing. The first point strikes a huge chord with me: I've been working so hard on this, just meeting everyone where they are, trying to understand each person as an individual beloved child of God, and establishing a relationship with them on that ground. I have a relative who used to tell everyone they were going to hell-- I'm doubtful he's converted many by doing that, among other issues with that attitude.

The article ends with a story about a man formerly with an addiction-- it's well worth reading, and drives home the point that I've experience in my own heart, and seen with my own eyes in regards to others: the Lord has each of us on our own path, and no human can see what those paths will be.

I built out a little search page, which you can reference from the menu above. I think it turned out pretty sweet!

I don't understand why PHP garners so much criticism. Truly bizarre. It's a Free Software language, which runs on every platform under the sun; it has a very simple syntax, can be learned in minutes, yet is full-on object oriented as well if you want to go that route; it has a thriving community with great documentation, and with tons of posts on places like Stack Overflow; it's fast, as evidenced by the myriad huge websites running on WordPress; and best of all, it doesn't needlessly change all the time like vendor-controlled languages-- the same PHP code I wrote in 2003 still runs today.

In the case of this site, I have a nice data access class, which has all of the methods to do CRUD operations against the backend. With two lines of code I can load in my site configuration plus instantiate that class-- and from there, it's just a matter of building a little bit of logic into the page PHP files to get the behavior I want. Finally, I just map the relevant data to the corresponding Smarty template for that page, then simply wire up the template. It's all fast, simple, secure, and has a great separation of concerns.


To Lapsed Catholics

I think a lot of lapsed Catholics stay away due to shame; they have this feeling that they've dug themselves into this huge pit with their sins-- and the ideas of trying to dig out, or to ask for the Lord's mercy, or to surmount thoughts of "I can only return if I'm going to be perfect, and I'm not ready to change my life that way", are perceived as such huge hurdles-- subconsciously or otherwise-- that people wind up severing their connection with the Church altogether, without even attempting to run the race.

But to those people I say, God's mercy is literally infinite! There is no hole too deep, God can drop down as big of a ladder as you need-- all you need to do is grab the rungs and start climbing.

What does that climb look like? First, write down whatever it is that you feel is preventing you from having that relationship with the Lord. Second, take that list of sins, go to Confession, and talk to the priest about your list, and what's weighing on your mind-- ask him for guidance and advice; you can kneel behind the screen, the priest won't even know who you are. Remember, priests have heard everything already, so you won't shock them. Third, go to the Holy Mass afterwards, and receive the Eucharist. You can sit way in the back if that makes you more comfortable. Give your hardened heart a chance to soften. Remember that God loves you more than you can literally even imagine.

After that, try your best not to sin-- try to root out and stop whatever caused you to feel the shame in the first place. But if-- or when, let's be honest, it's difficult to reverse course on what may even be a life-long habit or lifestyle or issue-- you slip up, remember that we are all sinners: God knows we're not perfect-- if we were perfect, we'd be Him! Every single person walking on the face of this Earth has their own struggles and sins that they deal with, daily.

Just because you've sinned or had a slip-up doesn't mean you can't have that personal relationship with Jesus, or be part of the Church-- in fact, it's just the opposite! When we sin is when we need God the most! God is that father who wants nothing more than to wrap His giant arms around you and give you absolute love, security, and mercy-- all you need to do is ask Him! If you sin, go to Confession and receive the Eucharist at Holy Mass again. Over time, you'll find yourself feeling better and better, in the fullness of God's light.

How do I know this? Because I walked this path! It wasn't easy, and was actually a little scary at first-- but as soon as the priest said "I absolve you of your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit", I cried because it felt like a thousand pounds had been lifted off of my shoulders. This is a personal testimony, and I hope it's helpful to others.