God
Scripture
Faith
In my previous post I wrote about the three-stage process via which the desert ascetics claim we can grow closer to God. The timing of these teachings coming into my life are extraordinary.
As regular readers know, I have been suffering from fairly extreme sleep deprivation due to insomnia, for about the past fifteen years. I have tried just about everything in both the physical and spiritual realms to solve it, including pleading with Jesus heal me of this affliction. Yet, still it persists.
Over the course of the past two-odd years, every night for about an hour I get into a tenable physical position, put on my weighted blanket, and sit in front of either the crucifix or a miniature print of the original Divine Mercy painting, both of which I have on my wall. I don't say or do anything: I am still, in the silence, in the presence of the Lord.
On some nights I can hear either the Father, or the Son, speaking to me directly. I wrote about these experiences in detail earlier this year. These moments are special consolations to me, and when I experience them I greatly rejoice and give thanks to God!
But more recently, rather than those moments, I have been facing such intense temptations and intrusive thoughts that I can scarcely be able to describe them-- and I will spare you the sordid details. Evagrius recognizes eight demons: gluttony, lust, avarice, sadness, anger, sloth, vainglory, and pride. Needless to say, I am intimately familiar with all eight; some more than others, naturally.
For a long time my spiritual director and I have been attempting to ascertain whether it is a lack of constitution or discipline on my part; or maybe they are simply bad habits; or... could it be direct spiritual warfare? Three or four nights ago, I received the answer.
I was suffering and fighting against the worst thoughts and temptations imaginable. But instead of remaining motionless and attempting to combat them in my head, when they could occur I would stand up, do the sign of the cross, and proclaim some truth such as "Jesus is our risen savior", or "Immaculate Mary is the Mother of God". Or, I would say the "St. Michael prayer". And the thoughts would cease!
I would return to my usual position, and after another few minutes the cycle would repeat. And each time, I was able to fend off the temptation to sin-- to indulge in these thoughts. I was able to ward them off for longer and longer. But after feeling like I had made progress, I laid down in preparation to try to fall asleep.
At that exact moment, a mouse started scuttling in the wall, and I was put into distress. Eventually it wandered off. I laid my head down again-- and right at that instance, my father-in-law started making all manner of noise upstairs, right over my ceiling. He causes me great distress generally-- but the timing of this was suspicious.
The instant he quieted down, I laid down once again-- and at once, all traces of sleepiness evaporated from my mind! It was one thing after another after another, trying to entice me to sin, and trying to keep me from sleep. In total exasperation, I left my room-- and the instant I did so, waves of intense sleepiness overtook me. When I stepped back into my room I became fully awake.
I started to play a game: enter the hallway? One set of conditions. Cross the door jam into my room? Another set of conditions. And it was then that I knew with one hundred percent certainty: the demons had overplayed their hands and so revealed themselves! It was so over-the-top that I started laughing!
An atheist would tell me I have simply have a negative association with my bedroom, due to past events. See? It's merely science! But, it was the constant actions of my assailants which created these negative associations! They did not emerge spontaneously.
When I compare my nearness to the Lord, and my internal fortitude, to before these afflictions began so strongly, to where I am now, the progress is palpable. I have been greatly reinforced through this warfare. And now that my class has connected me with desert wisdom, I have new weapons in my locker!
Like a politician facing a foolish enemy-- "just let him talk"-- so too will the demons' plans totally backfire, as they have been already. I will continue to battle away, like a faithful soldier of God, and will continue to make my heart amenable to dispensations of God's grace. For those facing similar issues to me, pray Psalm 4, and receive God's love.
As regular readers know, I have been suffering from fairly extreme sleep deprivation due to insomnia, for about the past fifteen years. I have tried just about everything in both the physical and spiritual realms to solve it, including pleading with Jesus heal me of this affliction. Yet, still it persists.
Over the course of the past two-odd years, every night for about an hour I get into a tenable physical position, put on my weighted blanket, and sit in front of either the crucifix or a miniature print of the original Divine Mercy painting, both of which I have on my wall. I don't say or do anything: I am still, in the silence, in the presence of the Lord.
On some nights I can hear either the Father, or the Son, speaking to me directly. I wrote about these experiences in detail earlier this year. These moments are special consolations to me, and when I experience them I greatly rejoice and give thanks to God!
But more recently, rather than those moments, I have been facing such intense temptations and intrusive thoughts that I can scarcely be able to describe them-- and I will spare you the sordid details. Evagrius recognizes eight demons: gluttony, lust, avarice, sadness, anger, sloth, vainglory, and pride. Needless to say, I am intimately familiar with all eight; some more than others, naturally.
For a long time my spiritual director and I have been attempting to ascertain whether it is a lack of constitution or discipline on my part; or maybe they are simply bad habits; or... could it be direct spiritual warfare? Three or four nights ago, I received the answer.
I was suffering and fighting against the worst thoughts and temptations imaginable. But instead of remaining motionless and attempting to combat them in my head, when they could occur I would stand up, do the sign of the cross, and proclaim some truth such as "Jesus is our risen savior", or "Immaculate Mary is the Mother of God". Or, I would say the "St. Michael prayer". And the thoughts would cease!
I would return to my usual position, and after another few minutes the cycle would repeat. And each time, I was able to fend off the temptation to sin-- to indulge in these thoughts. I was able to ward them off for longer and longer. But after feeling like I had made progress, I laid down in preparation to try to fall asleep.
At that exact moment, a mouse started scuttling in the wall, and I was put into distress. Eventually it wandered off. I laid my head down again-- and right at that instance, my father-in-law started making all manner of noise upstairs, right over my ceiling. He causes me great distress generally-- but the timing of this was suspicious.
The instant he quieted down, I laid down once again-- and at once, all traces of sleepiness evaporated from my mind! It was one thing after another after another, trying to entice me to sin, and trying to keep me from sleep. In total exasperation, I left my room-- and the instant I did so, waves of intense sleepiness overtook me. When I stepped back into my room I became fully awake.
I started to play a game: enter the hallway? One set of conditions. Cross the door jam into my room? Another set of conditions. And it was then that I knew with one hundred percent certainty: the demons had overplayed their hands and so revealed themselves! It was so over-the-top that I started laughing!
An atheist would tell me I have simply have a negative association with my bedroom, due to past events. See? It's merely science! But, it was the constant actions of my assailants which created these negative associations! They did not emerge spontaneously.
When I compare my nearness to the Lord, and my internal fortitude, to before these afflictions began so strongly, to where I am now, the progress is palpable. I have been greatly reinforced through this warfare. And now that my class has connected me with desert wisdom, I have new weapons in my locker!
Like a politician facing a foolish enemy-- "just let him talk"-- so too will the demons' plans totally backfire, as they have been already. I will continue to battle away, like a faithful soldier of God, and will continue to make my heart amenable to dispensations of God's grace. For those facing similar issues to me, pray Psalm 4, and receive God's love.