General
Faith
I've been feeling especially off balance recently, as I'm grappling with several things all at once.
Let's say you see a homeless person: starving, and with sores all over their body. You perform great acts of charity for them. You arrive at the pearly gates upon death, and Peter says "You spent your whole life performing selfless acts of love in Jesus's name; nice job! You also loved God with all of your heart, and loved your neighbor as yourself. High five! But, you can't go in: Christ's nature is actually a tertium quid; you had it wrong, sorry about that!"
I mentioned this to my friend Grant at work, and he said that this is what all of the myriad Christian churches struggle with: what is essential. The more I learn about early Church history and how one person became a Saint while the other guy became a heretic and got excommunicated, when they both had very sensible positions and both agreed on what appear to be the essentials... well, it has upended a lot of mental structures for me, and I'm trying to assemble a new understanding.
That line of thinking is what motivated my previous post: As Christians-at-large, what governing principles could we use to satisfy the various theological understandings in a non-breaking way? Related to this notion is: as a future Catholic deacon, no matter how tiny, what role will I play in an ecumenical sense especially in helping others become saints? The theology behind "charity" seems straightforward: but what about "word" and "sacrament"?
How will I be able to promote the sensus fidei and draw people into communion, but without accidentally compromising essentials?
The Role of Intellect
I once read, "God gave us an intellect, which we can use to understand Him-- and it is through knowledge of Him, that we can grow to love Him more." But then I have also read, "The biggest thing between us and God is our own minds, which interfere with the stirrings of our heart."
I had to be reminded, "Mike, those can both be true." The "Paradoxology" book, and indeed my theology professors, have told us that the richness of the Faith lies in the sweet spot between apparent contradictions. The key is to flow with them along the river, not get stuck on either shore.
Active and Inactive
Another thing I have been struggling with is this spectrum between what I need to do, what I ought to do, and what I shouldn't do. I grew up in a "people pleasing" family, so often-- throughout my career, for example-- I have said "yes" to everything, only to then blow up like a steam kettle later once the pressure grew too much.
Lots of my fellow students say, "I do lectio divina every morning". God bless all of you for doing so-- that is truly wonderful, and I would like to do that too!
Along with say the Rosary, Morning Prayer, and probably ten other things which I know would be good for me, and which people have recommended. The reality? I wake up at 5:30, which as a natural night owl is far too early for me already, and by the time I'm done showering and packing my bag for work, I am out the door to commute there in time.
Is it more important to get to work on time, or to pray? They both seem necessary. Maybe I need to start waking up at 5:00. But is not sleep necessary too? These are difficult questions to weigh. In the evenings, if I don't jam pack every minute, I won't complete my school or work commitments-- or, I will miss the window where I can in fact fall asleep, which will cause major problems the following day.
The solution to all of this is I think, is that I need to start saying "no" to more things, to give myself that breathing space to not just sit with God and improve my prayer life, but also to engage at least a little in my special interests. I heard it recently said that the Benedictines "can only have so many guests, so that they can continue to have guests." This is where I am at in life.
But some of the things I am saying "no" to would undoubtedly be fruitful! So it all goes back to discernment, and placing things on the aforementioned spectrum. I also am working to get over my "feeling guilty if I have idle time to relax my nervous system" conditioning: "If I'm not hypervigilant at all times, I'm actually moving backwards; falling behind the unrelenting movement of time."
In September, I have had so much school work that I have been acting more as a Mad Scribe, taking down reams of notes but without fully digesting what I'm learning-- digestion which requires, you guessed it, downtime. In October I will be down to a single class, which should increase the efficacy of my studies. But, problems will undoubtedly still remain.
Permanence
Hopefully in sharing some of these things, some of you can relate and we can discern together, as community. In that spirit, I will share one more paradox: that of a sense of lack of permanence on the one hand, and the need to "not anticipate, just participate" in life. That our "steering wheel" is just one of those toy plastic Fisher-Price ones parents give to their children.
I only just returned to the Faith four or five years ago-- so, a transition from moral frameworks such as Anarcho-Capitalism to Catholicism. I think I have fully processed that one, but only fairly recently in the scope of my life. How about moving from my childhood city to a completely "foreign" place? I'm still not sure the "new place" feels one hundred percent like "home", and perhaps it never will given all of my formative memories are from elsewhere.
How about the transition from a member of the laity to the possibility of being an ordained cleric, in just a few years? How about the transition from a major introvert, to a quasi-socialite? What about the transition from being a parent to young children, to have a daughter in college?
I've had varying degrees of success in wrapping my arms around all of these changes, plus others beside, and how they have and will radically transform my identity as a person. But, should I not just abandon myself to His Providence? Abandonment and processing appear somewhat juxtaposed to me right now. As before, I sense that I need more "quiet" in my life.
I will continue to pray for all of you. God bless!
Let's say you see a homeless person: starving, and with sores all over their body. You perform great acts of charity for them. You arrive at the pearly gates upon death, and Peter says "You spent your whole life performing selfless acts of love in Jesus's name; nice job! You also loved God with all of your heart, and loved your neighbor as yourself. High five! But, you can't go in: Christ's nature is actually a tertium quid; you had it wrong, sorry about that!"
I mentioned this to my friend Grant at work, and he said that this is what all of the myriad Christian churches struggle with: what is essential. The more I learn about early Church history and how one person became a Saint while the other guy became a heretic and got excommunicated, when they both had very sensible positions and both agreed on what appear to be the essentials... well, it has upended a lot of mental structures for me, and I'm trying to assemble a new understanding.
That line of thinking is what motivated my previous post: As Christians-at-large, what governing principles could we use to satisfy the various theological understandings in a non-breaking way? Related to this notion is: as a future Catholic deacon, no matter how tiny, what role will I play in an ecumenical sense especially in helping others become saints? The theology behind "charity" seems straightforward: but what about "word" and "sacrament"?
How will I be able to promote the sensus fidei and draw people into communion, but without accidentally compromising essentials?
The Role of Intellect
I once read, "God gave us an intellect, which we can use to understand Him-- and it is through knowledge of Him, that we can grow to love Him more." But then I have also read, "The biggest thing between us and God is our own minds, which interfere with the stirrings of our heart."
I had to be reminded, "Mike, those can both be true." The "Paradoxology" book, and indeed my theology professors, have told us that the richness of the Faith lies in the sweet spot between apparent contradictions. The key is to flow with them along the river, not get stuck on either shore.
Active and Inactive
Another thing I have been struggling with is this spectrum between what I need to do, what I ought to do, and what I shouldn't do. I grew up in a "people pleasing" family, so often-- throughout my career, for example-- I have said "yes" to everything, only to then blow up like a steam kettle later once the pressure grew too much.
Lots of my fellow students say, "I do lectio divina every morning". God bless all of you for doing so-- that is truly wonderful, and I would like to do that too!
Along with say the Rosary, Morning Prayer, and probably ten other things which I know would be good for me, and which people have recommended. The reality? I wake up at 5:30, which as a natural night owl is far too early for me already, and by the time I'm done showering and packing my bag for work, I am out the door to commute there in time.
Is it more important to get to work on time, or to pray? They both seem necessary. Maybe I need to start waking up at 5:00. But is not sleep necessary too? These are difficult questions to weigh. In the evenings, if I don't jam pack every minute, I won't complete my school or work commitments-- or, I will miss the window where I can in fact fall asleep, which will cause major problems the following day.
The solution to all of this is I think, is that I need to start saying "no" to more things, to give myself that breathing space to not just sit with God and improve my prayer life, but also to engage at least a little in my special interests. I heard it recently said that the Benedictines "can only have so many guests, so that they can continue to have guests." This is where I am at in life.
But some of the things I am saying "no" to would undoubtedly be fruitful! So it all goes back to discernment, and placing things on the aforementioned spectrum. I also am working to get over my "feeling guilty if I have idle time to relax my nervous system" conditioning: "If I'm not hypervigilant at all times, I'm actually moving backwards; falling behind the unrelenting movement of time."
In September, I have had so much school work that I have been acting more as a Mad Scribe, taking down reams of notes but without fully digesting what I'm learning-- digestion which requires, you guessed it, downtime. In October I will be down to a single class, which should increase the efficacy of my studies. But, problems will undoubtedly still remain.
Permanence
Hopefully in sharing some of these things, some of you can relate and we can discern together, as community. In that spirit, I will share one more paradox: that of a sense of lack of permanence on the one hand, and the need to "not anticipate, just participate" in life. That our "steering wheel" is just one of those toy plastic Fisher-Price ones parents give to their children.
I only just returned to the Faith four or five years ago-- so, a transition from moral frameworks such as Anarcho-Capitalism to Catholicism. I think I have fully processed that one, but only fairly recently in the scope of my life. How about moving from my childhood city to a completely "foreign" place? I'm still not sure the "new place" feels one hundred percent like "home", and perhaps it never will given all of my formative memories are from elsewhere.
How about the transition from a member of the laity to the possibility of being an ordained cleric, in just a few years? How about the transition from a major introvert, to a quasi-socialite? What about the transition from being a parent to young children, to have a daughter in college?
I've had varying degrees of success in wrapping my arms around all of these changes, plus others beside, and how they have and will radically transform my identity as a person. But, should I not just abandon myself to His Providence? Abandonment and processing appear somewhat juxtaposed to me right now. As before, I sense that I need more "quiet" in my life.
I will continue to pray for all of you. God bless!